Festividades e Nostalgia: Natal 2023

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Escola Colegio Estadual Barao Do Rio Branco

Luis Branco Pedreiro 22/09/2024
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<p>P S Y C H O L O G I E S . C O . U K</p><p>CHRISTMAS 2023 ● £4.99</p><p>ATE LLL</p><p>OO</p><p>15-PAGE DOSSIER</p><p>M AND</p><p>CHRISTMAS ON!</p><p>Why a little festive</p><p>nostalgia is good</p><p>for your heart</p><p>and your head!</p><p>How to focus on what REALLY matters to ou</p><p>Simple wa s to help ou let go of perfectionism</p><p>Discover what makes our ideal affirmation</p><p>‘I definitely feel more</p><p>grateful now –</p><p>I don’t think we used</p><p>that word when I was</p><p>younger!’</p><p>Claudia</p><p>Winkleman</p><p>DISCOVER ONE SIMPLE WAY TO BRIGHTEN YOUR MOOD EVERY DAY</p><p>UKKK edition</p><p>https://www.psychologies.co.uk/</p><p>Perimenopause</p><p>NEW</p><p>Products</p><p>Multi-nutrient drink to</p><p>help you reach your limits</p><p>Supporting 10 different</p><p>aspects of your health</p><p>Contains Zinc to support</p><p>cognitive function</p><p>Contains Magnesium to support the</p><p>nervous system and contribute to</p><p>reduction of tiredness & fatigue</p><p>Available from health stores nationwide</p><p>and online at www.avogel.co.uk</p><p>PERIMENOPAUSE</p><p>http://www.avogel.co.uk</p><p>Sally xx</p><p>Sally Saunders,</p><p>Editor-in-Chief</p><p>Go to shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>or call 01959 543747</p><p>Wehope you lovePsychologies.</p><p>Subscribe today and save!</p><p>3u s r a o . . XMAS23PY</p><p>As the old song goes, ’It’s beginning to look a lot like</p><p>Christmas…’ and everywhere you go it probably feels</p><p>like you’re surrounded by festive franticness – which</p><p>will only increase for the next few weeks. Well, this is our</p><p>Christmas issue, and so you may not be surprised to read</p><p>that we’re going to be thinking about the C-word quite</p><p>a bit here, too – though hopefully in a more useful, helpful,</p><p>and calming way than you’re used to. So, instead of Sophie</p><p>Ellis-Bextor torching Christmas cards on the new M&S advert, and</p><p>the constant barrage of perfection you’re probably being pedalled on your socials,</p><p>we’re looking at Christmas from all angles. Our dossier this month is a lovely reflection</p><p>on how to move it away from the perfection-seeking stress-fest we’re increasingly being</p><p>pushed towards, and how to create a mindful, joyful celebration that suits your values</p><p>and what really matters to you (page 37). We’re also looking at how to inject a few</p><p>simple little Christmassy acts into your day to help you embrace calm (page 30), and</p><p>examining why the traditional rituals we enjoy at this time of year give us that warm</p><p>glow of nostalgia – and why that’s so good for both our hearts and minds (page 22).</p><p>So far, so cosy, but we also know that this time of year isn’t always snowflakes and</p><p>reindeer in real life, so we’ve worked to provide an alternate view of the festive period</p><p>for when times feel a bit tougher. It’s as inspiring and uplifting as ever, but tackles some</p><p>of the more challenging aspects we can face at this time of year, such as what Christmas</p><p>Day might look like when life has taken a turn you weren’t expecting, and how to cope</p><p>and still enjoy the period (page 62), plus how to deal with the almost unavoidable</p><p>conflicts that can occur at this time, when we can find ourselves thrust together with</p><p>people we love dearly but don’t necessarily usually spend too much time with – whether</p><p>that’s friends and family or just the kids (page 72)! We’re also celebrating the little things</p><p>we can do to inject some additional joy into this time, by recognising the mind-benefitting</p><p>wonder of winter walks (page 84) and the power of a good Christmas singalong (why don’t</p><p>you join us for a blast of Last Christmas on 15 December? Find out more on page 94!)</p><p>One final thing – in my December letter I said it would be my last for a while, as I am</p><p>due to have a baby. Well, I really adore Christmas, and I just couldn’t resist finishing off</p><p>this issue before heading off – but this time I really am checking</p><p>out for a few months! Acting editor Holly will help you get</p><p>the New Year off to a good start in next month’s issue, out</p><p>on 22 December. Until then, have a peaceful, joyful Christmas,</p><p>and a lovely start to 2024! With much love,</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>4 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>Inthis issue...</p><p>62 Embracing Christmas 2.0</p><p>What to do when loss means you’re</p><p>struggling with the celebrations</p><p>66 A new kind of Christmas</p><p>Author Veronica Henry’s joyful</p><p>approach to a quieter Christmas</p><p>70 Your dilemmas addressed</p><p>Our agony aunt, Dr Martha Deiros</p><p>Collado, offers a fresh perspective</p><p>72 Tackling Christmas conflict</p><p>Improve your communication and</p><p>enjoy a season of peace and goodwill</p><p>76 Pass the mistletoe!</p><p>Our relationship guru, Anna Williamson,</p><p>on how to craft a loving Christmas</p><p>Body</p><p>80 Mindful wellness</p><p>Conscious actions and wellbeing</p><p>buys to help you live intentionally</p><p>84 Winter walks</p><p>Discover the benefits of getting</p><p>outdoors – whatever the weather!</p><p>Regulars</p><p>7 In the mood</p><p>Enlightening, happy-making facts,</p><p>fascinating news stories and more</p><p>12 Viewpoint</p><p>What’s caught your eye in</p><p>Psychologies lately?</p><p>14 Claudia Winkleman</p><p>The presenter, on feeling grateful in</p><p>her 50s, and the superpower of sleep</p><p>18 Life as I know it</p><p>Harriet Minter’s ‘practical’ guide</p><p>to stocking-stuffing!</p><p>Mind</p><p>22 Why nostalgia gives</p><p>us comfort and joy</p><p>Discover the benefits of our</p><p>treasured Yuletide traditions</p><p>26 Coaching in action</p><p>Coach Kim Morgan helps a client</p><p>reach a place of acceptance</p><p>30 12 days of Christmas calm</p><p>Soothing seasonal rituals to help</p><p>you revive and recalibrate</p><p>36 The light in the dark</p><p>Use your journal to take a more</p><p>conscious approach this winter,</p><p>urges Jackee Holder</p><p>Heart</p><p>58 Home comfort</p><p>Caro Giles tears up the rulebook</p><p>and finds beauty in the perfect</p><p>imperfection of her family</p><p>Subscribe today and</p><p>gift awhole year of</p><p>Psychologies to a loved</p><p>one – or treat yourself!</p><p>Joinus today!</p><p>SubscribetoPsychologiesorgiveagift</p><p>subscriptionandcommittoahappier</p><p>life.You’llbenefitfromlife-changing</p><p>tools and advicetohelpyouliveyourbest</p><p>life,plusreceivefreemembershiptoour</p><p>SubscriberClub.Seepage60.</p><p>SAVEUPTO</p><p>£62</p><p>PLUSFREE</p><p>DELIVERY!</p><p>WhySanta isa</p><p>symbol of gratitude</p><p>Experience thewonder</p><p>ofawinterwalk</p><p>C</p><p>O</p><p>V</p><p>E</p><p>R</p><p>IM</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>E</p><p>:J</p><p>A</p><p>M</p><p>E</p><p>S</p><p>G</p><p>O</p><p>U</p><p>R</p><p>LE</p><p>Y/</p><p>B</p><p>A</p><p>F</p><p>TA</p><p>/S</p><p>H</p><p>U</p><p>T</p><p>T</p><p>E</p><p>R</p><p>S</p><p>T</p><p>O</p><p>C</p><p>K</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>5Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>With you</p><p>inmind</p><p>DOSSIER</p><p>psychologies</p><p>HaveameaningfulChristmas</p><p>40 Understanding what</p><p>matters to you at Christmas</p><p>Pinpoint your fundamental values,</p><p>and get to the root of what this</p><p>season truly represents to you</p><p>44 Perfectionism and</p><p>comparison culture</p><p>Resist the urge to let Christmas</p><p>become a competition, and shake</p><p>off the pressure to be perfect</p><p>47 Have a mindful Christmas</p><p>How to manage stress and</p><p>make the most of those little</p><p>magic moments</p><p>48 What gift do you most</p><p>need this Christmas?</p><p>Take our psychological test</p><p>to find out the mindset tweaks</p><p>you need to reconnect with</p><p>what really matters</p><p>Order your</p><p>subscription now</p><p>and get free delivery</p><p>directly to your door</p><p>Order online at</p><p>shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>In this issue CONTENTS</p><p>Soul</p><p>90 ’Twas the night before</p><p>Christmas</p><p>Seek out the magic and cultivate</p><p>a more positive mindset!</p><p>94 Sing for your life!</p><p>Connect with your present and past</p><p>through the power of song</p><p>96 The words</p><p>This month’s non-fiction must-reads</p><p>98 How to be happier</p><p>With psychologist Emma Hepburn</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>6 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>Kelsey Publishing Ltd, The Granary, Downs Court,</p><p>Yalding Hill, Yalding, Kent ME18 6AL</p><p>(01959 541444, email letters@psychologies.co.uk)</p><p>Psychologies Magazine is a registered trademark and is published monthly by Kelsey Media 2022© all rights reserved. Kelsey Media is a trading name of Kelsey Publishing Ltd. Reproduction in whole or in part is forbidden except with permission in writing from the publishers.</p><p>Note to contributors: Articles submitted for consideration by the editor must be the original work of the author and not previously published. Where photographs are included, which are not the property of the contributor, permission to reproduce them must have been obtained from the owner of</p><p>the copyright. The Editor cannot guarantee a personal response to all letters and emails received. The views expressed in the magazine are not necessarily those of the Editor or the Publisher.</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>judgmental or disappointed. This can</p><p>lead to self-criticism or shamewhen</p><p>you feel you haven’t reached the</p><p>standard youwanted. But having</p><p>unrealistic standards around</p><p>Christmasmeans you’re setting</p><p>yourself up for disappointment.’</p><p>There will always be something that</p><p>doesn’t go according to plan: the roast</p><p>potatoes get burnt, or someone doesn’t</p><p>respond to a gift that you’ve bought</p><p>with the enthusiasm you’d imagined.</p><p>You can’t find the playlist that has all</p><p>your favourite songs on it, or youwant</p><p>to go for a family walk, but the kids</p><p>moan about it. None of these things</p><p>are drastic, but when you’ve painted</p><p>a picture of howwonderful Christmas</p><p>should be, and you hold yourself</p><p>responsible for that, it canmake these</p><p>little things seem like they ruin the</p><p>day. ‘Perfectionism at Christmas robs</p><p>you of joy,’ emphasises Thomas.</p><p>This perfectionism links into</p><p>comparison culture.We see images</p><p>of other people’s Christmases on</p><p>social media or adverts and think</p><p>that’s what ours should look like.</p><p>It canmake it harder to appreciate</p><p>how lovely our ownChristmases</p><p>are. And, right now, as we all feel</p><p>the pinch in the cost-of-living crisis,</p><p>if we can’t afford the things we are</p><p>made to feel we need, or we push</p><p>ourselves too far and spendmore</p><p>thanwe’re comfortable with,</p><p>comparing ourselves to others can</p><p>be particularly harmful.</p><p>Thankfully, there are</p><p>steps we can take to avoid</p><p>perfectionismor comparison,</p><p>and still have a Christmas that’s</p><p>meaningful and joyful. ‘A huge</p><p>dollop of compassion for yourself</p><p>and others is a good place to start,’</p><p>reassures Thomas. ‘It might be</p><p>saying to yourself, “Well, no wonder</p><p>I’m finding this stressful, because</p><p>look at all the pressures and the</p><p>things I have to do.”’Whenwe</p><p>understand thewider context of</p><p>whywe feel this way, it’s easier to</p><p>be kind to ourselves.</p><p>‘Ask yourself, “What’s going to be</p><p>helpful rather than harmful forme</p><p>to do right now?”’ says Thomas. So,</p><p>it might be helpful to take some</p><p>4 5Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>time for yourself, or to ask your loved</p><p>ones for some help. If you are a people</p><p>pleaser, it can be hard to let people</p><p>know you need support, but this can</p><p>lead to resentment when you feel like</p><p>others haven’t pulled their weight. If</p><p>you always cook Christmas dinner by</p><p>yourself, it can be easy for others to</p><p>assume you’re happy doing so. Asking</p><p>for help with specific tasks – someone</p><p>to peel the carrots, for example, or to</p><p>clear and set the table –means you’re</p><p>communicating what you need clearly</p><p>in a way thatmeans you aren’t going to</p><p>be upset that no one has helped, while</p><p>your loved ones realis what you need.</p><p>Thomas also recommen s keeping</p><p>things in perspective. I something</p><p>isn’t going quite o plan you’</p><p>feeling overwhe me sh ugg ts</p><p>taking a 60-second pause where you</p><p>take six deep breaths. This can help you</p><p>feel calmer, and then to think about</p><p>things differently. ‘It’s asking yourself,</p><p>“Is this really what I’m going to</p><p>think about when I look back at</p><p>this Christmas?”’ says Thomas.</p><p>‘Will your children look back at this</p><p>Christmas and think, “That was</p><p>the year thatmymumdid all the</p><p>trimmings with the dinner”? Or</p><p>would it be that they remember</p><p>having fun running around together,</p><p>or that you played a gamewith them?</p><p>Just getting that perspective of what</p><p>reallymatters to you andwhat the</p><p>memories are youwant to create can</p><p>be helpful,’ says Thomas.</p><p>Thomas recommends setting an</p><p>intention each day of the festive</p><p>period. ‘It can be helpful to pick two,</p><p>maybe three values you have,’ says</p><p>homas. She suggests jou nalling as a</p><p>great way of keeping track of this and</p><p>giving yourself space to reflect – just</p><p>taking five or tenminutes each</p><p>morning is enough. You can remind</p><p>yourself what your intention is for</p><p>the day, and also write downwhat</p><p>you’re grateful for. So, if your key</p><p>value for Christmas is around</p><p>connection, this can help challenge</p><p>perfectionist ideas around needing</p><p>to be cooking and cleaning all day.</p><p>It helps shift your focus.</p><p>Intentions aside, there will still be</p><p>tasks that need to be done, of course.</p><p>In this situation, where you feel a</p><p>conflict between your values and</p><p>perfectionism, Thomas recommends</p><p>seeing where you can take a shortcut.</p><p>‘Inmy family, we sometimes buy</p><p>ready-made food,’ she says. Thismeans</p><p>they still enjoy a wonderfulmeal, but</p><p>it reduces her need to spend lots of time</p><p>in the kitchen, which clashes with her</p><p>valu around connection. Remember,</p><p>it’s y to do things tomake your</p><p>mas ea er and tomakemore</p><p>t r the t s that reallymatter.</p><p>4 6 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>With you</p><p>inmind</p><p>DOSSIER</p><p>psychologies</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>4 7Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>W orking out your values</p><p>and doing your best to</p><p>let go of perfectionism</p><p>can help you have the</p><p>joyous Christmas you really want. And</p><p>bringing inmindfulness can help us</p><p>with finding and embracing those little</p><p>moments of joy over the festive season,</p><p>as well asmanaging any stress.</p><p>‘Sometimes, when you eat and you’re</p><p>distracted, you don’t realise you’ve</p><p>cleared the plate, and then you’re</p><p>left wantingmore,’ says coach and</p><p>psychotherapist Karin Peeters. ‘We</p><p>run the same risk at Christmas: we look</p><p>forward to it, but then get distracted</p><p>whenwe’re actually there. And sowe</p><p>don’t feel nourished by it.’</p><p>If you find yourmindwandering to</p><p>your worries – fretting about finances,</p><p>or that work deadline coming up in</p><p>January –while you’re sitting with</p><p>your family or watching a festive</p><p>panto, Peeters recommends a simple</p><p>breathing exercise to ground you and</p><p>bring you back to the present. You take</p><p>a deep breath in, and then breathe</p><p>out just a little bit longer than the in</p><p>breath. You notice the silence between</p><p>your thoughts. ‘The out breath helps</p><p>us to let go of everything, and then</p><p>becoming aware of the silence brings</p><p>the presence,’ explains Peeters. You</p><p>can do this subtly whenever you feel</p><p>distracted or anxious rather than being</p><p>in themoment – see it like a reset.</p><p>Othermindfulness techniques like</p><p>drawing attention to your senses by</p><p>noticing what you can see, hear, smell,</p><p>taste and touch can help ground you.</p><p>Peeters also encourages the use of a</p><p>scheduled worry time, if you find that</p><p>anxious thoughts interfere with your</p><p>festive fun. Set aside around half an</p><p>hour each day where you can think</p><p>about and action anyworries.</p><p>Another waymany of us are guilty</p><p>of not beingmindful is by using our</p><p>phones.We’ll be opening gifts with our</p><p>loved ones or watching our favourite</p><p>festive film together, and then</p><p>absentmindedly reach for our phone</p><p>and scroll – and, suddenly, tenminutes</p><p>have past, andwe realise we’vemissed</p><p>out onwhat is going on around us.</p><p>‘Beforehand, invite the entire group</p><p>to have a dedicatedmobile phone tray</p><p>for a certain amount of time,’ suggests</p><p>Peeters. You can still check your phones</p><p>if youneed to, but by placing themout</p><p>of theway, it ismuch less tempting.</p><p>Having amindful Christmas isn’t</p><p>just about techniques to bring you into</p><p>the present; it’s also aboutmaking</p><p>space for, and recognising, themoments</p><p>that reallymatter to you. So, if you</p><p>spotted that your value is around</p><p>connection, could you catch upwith a</p><p>friend you haven’t seen for a while, over</p><p>ameal? If making time for yourself is a</p><p>priority, could you set aside some time</p><p>to do something you find nourishing?</p><p>Everyone’s balance will be different.</p><p>There is no right way to celebrate</p><p>Christmas – this seasonmeans</p><p>different things to each of us, and each</p><p>year wemay need to approach it from</p><p>a different angle.What wouldmake</p><p>your heart sing this year?What would</p><p>a good Christmas really look like?</p><p>Ask yourself these things now, and</p><p>revisit your intentions throughout</p><p>the holidays to helpmake this a truly</p><p>meaningful time for you.</p><p>MINDFUL</p><p>MOMENTS</p><p>Being mindful at Christmas</p><p>involves appreciating those</p><p>moments that it’s all too</p><p>easy to let pass us by, and</p><p>making time for the things</p><p>that spark joy. You may well</p><p>have ideas of your own, but</p><p>here’s some inspiration…</p><p>● Savour the spices in a</p><p>slice of Christmas cake, or</p><p>the smell of gingerbread</p><p>wafting through the house.</p><p>● Play games with your</p><p>loved ones. Break</p><p>out the</p><p>Monopoly, or have a go at</p><p>charades – leaping around</p><p>the living room as you try</p><p>to mime a film is sure to get</p><p>everyone laughing.</p><p>● Notice the cosiness of</p><p>early winter: the robin that</p><p>lands on the bird feeder</p><p>each morning; the frost on</p><p>fallen leaves; the smell of</p><p>the air and its cool brush</p><p>against your skin.</p><p>● Sip a gingerbread latte or</p><p>another festive drink that</p><p>you keep meaning to try.</p><p>Take the time to enjoy the</p><p>flavours and the feeling</p><p>of the warm liquid.</p><p>● Light a Christmas</p><p>scented candle, curl up</p><p>under comfy blankets, and</p><p>savour the sensory details.</p><p>● Get in touch with your</p><p>inner child and do activities</p><p>that you loved when you</p><p>were younger. How about</p><p>getting crafty and making</p><p>decorations, complete with</p><p>glitter gel?</p><p>● Try the Icelandic tradition</p><p>of Jolabokaflod. This is</p><p>where you give and receive</p><p>books on Christmas Eve,</p><p>and spend the evening</p><p>reading. It’s a great way</p><p>of making time to get lost</p><p>in a good book.</p><p>Havea</p><p>mindful</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>4 8 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>WHATGIFT DO YOU</p><p>MOST NEED THIS</p><p>CHRISTMAS?</p><p>To reconnect with what really matters this Christmas and beyond,</p><p>take our test to find the reminder you need most this festive season</p><p>1 The best thing about Christmas is</p><p>● Getting back to what matters .......■</p><p>♥ Feeling like there’s lots going on....■</p><p>◆ Being able to finally relax...............■</p><p>■ Feeling like it’s always the same ...■</p><p>2 You’d enjoy Christmas more if</p><p>you felt less</p><p>◆ Fragmented.....................................■</p><p>● Adrift................................................■</p><p>■ Anxious............................................■</p><p>♥ Unsettled .........................................■</p><p>3 Next year, you’d like to feel</p><p>♥ Clearer about what really matters...■</p><p>◆ Calmer and more focused .............■</p><p>● Connected to what you</p><p>care about ...........................................■</p><p>■ More confident about the future ... ■</p><p>4 When your mind wanders, you</p><p>tend to think about</p><p>■ What might go wrong.....................■</p><p>♥ New plans and goals.......................■</p><p>◆ What needs doing this week..........■</p><p>● What you might be missing</p><p>out on...............................................■</p><p>5 If you could, you’d dedicate next</p><p>year to</p><p>■ Achieving something......................■</p><p>♥ Finding your purpose .....................■</p><p>◆ Looking after yourself ....................■</p><p>● Finding yourself ..............................■</p><p>6 By next Christmas, you’d like to be</p><p>◆ Clearer about what matters ..........■</p><p>● Grounded in what you want...........■</p><p>■ Living life more freely.....................■</p><p>♥ More confident in who you are ......■</p><p>7 At times, you wonder if you</p><p>◆ Take on too much ...........................■</p><p>● See yourself as others do ..............■</p><p>■ Think too much...............................■</p><p>♥ Are too hard on yourself.................■</p><p>8 At Christmas, you most</p><p>appreciate</p><p>♥ Stepping out of normal routine .....■</p><p>● Being with people who matter ......■</p><p>◆ Thinking bigger picture..................■</p><p>■ Knowing what’s expected..............■</p><p>9 You’d tell your younger self</p><p>◆ Let things be ...................................■</p><p>● Be yourself .....................................■</p><p>♥ Be your own best friend .................■</p><p>■ Be brave ..........................................■</p><p>10 A meaningful Christmas is</p><p>about being</p><p>◆ Present ............................................■</p><p>● Authentic.........................................■</p><p>■ Joyful ...............................................■</p><p>♥ Kind ..................................................■</p><p>Tick the answers that most closely apply to you, then add up the symbols. Read the section, or</p><p>sections, you ticked most, to find out your personal affirmation for a meaningful Christmas</p><p>test</p><p>Turn the page to find out</p><p>what mental reminder</p><p>will benefit you most</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>4 9Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>With you</p><p>inmind</p><p>DOSSIER</p><p>psychologies</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>5 0 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>Whatdo</p><p>youneed</p><p>to remind</p><p>yourself this</p><p>Christmas?</p><p>IF YOU SCORED MAINLY ♥</p><p>Iamokay</p><p>Amid the festive hustle and bustle, is your mind</p><p>already drifting to what goals you’ll set for next</p><p>year? It’s good to strive to be your best, but when</p><p>we lack self-acceptance, we can get stuck on an</p><p>achievement treadmill, outsourcing our self-worth</p><p>to ‘doing’ rather than who we are. If this resonates,</p><p>remind yourself that while making change happen</p><p>matters, you’re also completely okay as you are, and</p><p>it’s fine just to be if that’s what you need right now.</p><p>It’s not about letting go – true self-acceptance</p><p>is a conscious and radical act that starts with a</p><p>positive intention, to stop using self-blame and</p><p>judgment as a smokescreen. And with more</p><p>clarity, you should see what is really going on, and</p><p>what you can – and can’t – change. True growth</p><p>starts from a place of self-knowledge, which is</p><p>why self-acceptance is the gift that keeps giving.</p><p>Cultivating self-acceptance is also an investment</p><p>in your relationships – until you truly accept yourself,</p><p>flaws and all, there will always be barriers to</p><p>forging deep connections with other people. All</p><p>of us flourish in the presence of others who see</p><p>the best in us, so think how different life could feel</p><p>if you saw the best in yourself. Self-acceptance</p><p>is one of life’s most powerful gifts – are you ready</p><p>to give it to yourself?</p><p>IF YOU SCORED MAINLY ◆</p><p>Icanletgo</p><p>It’s easy to feel ambivalent about this time of year</p><p>if it adds to an already unrealistic burden of caring</p><p>for others’ needs and making them happy. Being</p><p>conscientious and getting things sorted can leave</p><p>little time and headspace for your true passions,</p><p>or just taking care of yourself. At this time of year</p><p>especially you might find your energy and focus</p><p>scattering, leaving you feeling fragmented, never</p><p>finishing what you’ve started.</p><p>Slowing down and simplifying may have always</p><p>been a bit of a sticking point for you if you thrive off</p><p>the buzz of ‘new.’ Saying no to things you don’t</p><p>want to do is one thing – saying no to things that</p><p>seem potentially interesting is much harder. When</p><p>everyone tells you they’re ‘super busy’, it’s hard</p><p>to buck the trend and be the only one prioritising</p><p>space to pause and reflect. But if it’s something</p><p>you know deep down that you need to embrace,</p><p>then a reminder that you can let go is the most</p><p>valuable gift you can give yourself this year.</p><p>It’s about finding your way of being rather</p><p>than simply what you do next. And ask yourself,</p><p>when are you at your most creative, useful and</p><p>productive – when you feel calm and in control,</p><p>or stressed and exhausted?</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>5 1Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>With you</p><p>inmind</p><p>DOSSIER</p><p>psychologies</p><p>IF YOU SCORED MAINLY ●</p><p>Iamenough</p><p>Your personal Christmas affirmation is ‘I am</p><p>enough’, because deep down, you know you are.</p><p>You’re contributing to the world in a way that no</p><p>one else does, because no one else is you. But</p><p>who that ‘you’ is can be elusive at times, especially</p><p>when we’re bombarded with images of who we</p><p>could be. It’s wonderful to live in a world full of</p><p>opportunities, but the downside is that it can leave</p><p>us questioning if we’ve ever done enough, or are</p><p>enough. Your affirmation ‘I am enough’ is a mental</p><p>reminder to stop, pause and reset, especially in</p><p>unsettled times when you may be extra vulnerable</p><p>to comparing yourself to others and finding</p><p>yourself lacking.</p><p>Hiding your true self and spending too much</p><p>energy adapting your personality to what you</p><p>think people want from you are signs that you</p><p>may have lost touch with a sense of self. This year,</p><p>the reminder that you are enough, along with</p><p>a commitment to invest in the most important</p><p>relationship of your life – your relationship with</p><p>yourself – is the gift that will keep giving for you.</p><p>Taking time to tune in with what’s going on inside</p><p>and being curious about how you really feel (which</p><p>may be different from what you’re telling people)</p><p>will help you stay connected to your sense of self.</p><p>IF YOU SCORED MAINLY ■</p><p>Ihavestrength</p><p>The most important gift you can give yourself this</p><p>Christmas</p><p>is to reconnect with your inner strength;</p><p>that reserve of quiet courage that has helped you</p><p>overcome challenges. You can lose touch with your</p><p>strength when your mind is abuzz with worst-case</p><p>scenarios, or mental replays of times you’ve messed</p><p>up. You may be prone to over-thinking, and convince</p><p>yourself that catastrophising is a smart way to</p><p>prepare yourself for any eventuality – but it also</p><p>keeps you stuck in your comfort zone. And the</p><p>irony is that you know that dealing with new</p><p>challenges helps to build your confidence.</p><p>Over-thinking is designed to keep us safe, but</p><p>it can also make it harder to stay connected to</p><p>what really matters to you. It’s time to consciously</p><p>focus on your personal triumphs – however tiny</p><p>– or just every day events that have gone well.</p><p>And instead of allowing yourself to over-think</p><p>something that might never happen, focus on</p><p>regulating your nervous system with some</p><p>breathing exercises, instead. This festive season,</p><p>gift yourself some space to reflect on times you’ve</p><p>stepped out of your comfort zone. Reminding</p><p>yourself that you have strength is your best</p><p>protection from situations or even people that</p><p>would otherwise leave you feeling small.</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>5 2 psyc o ies.co.uk</p><p>i hristmas!</p><p>Ou round-up of the best gifts for mindful living</p><p>JUMBLE&CO</p><p>Discover the essence of self-expression with</p><p>these Head & Heart A5 Self-Care Journals,</p><p>from Jumble & Co’s Two Minds range.</p><p>Choose the Mindfulness, Wellness or</p><p>Gratitude journal, each one featuring weekly</p><p>affirmations and challenges on one page,</p><p>and split ruled/dotted note pages opposite.</p><p>£10.99, jumbleandco.com</p><p>Adaptogenic Apothecary</p><p>Calm is a 100 per cent organic,</p><p>high-quality ashwaganda root powder.</p><p>Used for thousands of years in</p><p>Ayurvedic medicine, in modern times</p><p>it has been scientifically proven to</p><p>reduce anxiety, stabilise mood, improve</p><p>sleep, reduce inflammation, and</p><p>support overall wellbeing. £19.80,</p><p>adaptogenicapothecary.com</p><p>ANC NT</p><p>+BRA E</p><p>Caca + Coll gen fro</p><p>Anci + rave is a</p><p>delic us y smoot</p><p>cho ol te blend f luxuryy</p><p>ra outh A can</p><p>a ao, upgr ded i</p><p>enerous amoun</p><p>of hi sorb le</p><p>coll n ptides, to</p><p>de p n i h your skin</p><p>om within. A luxury</p><p>moment of self-care. £244,</p><p>cienta dbrave.earth</p><p>https://psychologies.co.uk/</p><p>http://jumbleandco.com</p><p>http://adaptogenicapothecary.com</p><p>https://ancientandbrave.earth/</p><p>ADVERTISING FEATURE</p><p>5 3S b cribe t p . / PY</p><p>SASKIA’S</p><p>FLOWER ESSENCES</p><p>Sometimes we can get pulled</p><p>down with the negative aspects</p><p>of life – Saskia’s award-winning</p><p>Living Life Lightly flower essence</p><p>blend is designed specifically to</p><p>lift you up, so that you can shine</p><p>your light however dark things</p><p>seem. £12 (£3.90 P&P),</p><p>saskiasfloweressences.com</p><p>Bare Feet by Margaret Dabbs</p><p>Enjoy a spa experienc in t e comfort of your home</p><p>with the Bare Feet by arg ret Dabbs Foldable</p><p>Spa. 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It</p><p>comes beautifully boxed for Christmas gifting.</p><p>££557755, sseevveennkkiinnggssssttuuddiioo.ccoomm</p><p>http://saskiasfloweressences.com</p><p>http://sevenkingsstudio.com</p><p>https://www.barefeetandhands.co.uk/</p><p>https://www.gaiaskincare.com/</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>ADVERTISING FEATURE</p><p>5 4 psyc o ies.co.uk</p><p>AAA</p><p>’</p><p>Heart-Given Candles</p><p>xperience the celestial magic of Heart-Given</p><p>Ca l evate your mood with its natural</p><p>y dles. The sensuo s a oma and</p><p>calm g w are the perf to uplift</p><p>our spir cent your r u dings.</p><p>each y three for £39,</p><p>hearrrtt----ggiiivenccccaandlleesss....cccooommm</p><p>ARRAN</p><p>NATURALS</p><p>Boost your loved ones’ wellbeing this</p><p>Christmas with the new Uplift Brightening</p><p>Body Polish by ARRAN Naturals. Simply</p><p>massage onto cleansed skin and allow</p><p>the fragrance of bergamot and grapefruit</p><p>to bring about joy and</p><p>increased confidence.</p><p>£24.50, arran.com</p><p>BETTERYOU</p><p>Give he gift of a g od ni ht’s sl p i h</p><p>BetterYou Magne i m Sl ep gift b x. T se</p><p>specially selected, ure agnesiu l ri ee</p><p>goodies help the o y rel x an rec v r f om tttthhhe</p><p>stresses of the d y, uppo ting a rest ul i ht’s</p><p>sleep. £29.95, ett ryou.com</p><p>http://arran.com</p><p>http://betteryou.com</p><p>https://psychologies.co.uk/</p><p>https://heart-givencandles.com/</p><p>https://paanibottles.com/</p><p>SUBSCRIBE AND SAVE UP TO £48*!</p><p>GREAT REASONS</p><p>TO SUBSCRIBE</p><p>❤ Save up to £48*</p><p>❤ Delivery directly to your door in</p><p>100% plastic-free packaging</p><p>❤ Never miss an issue</p><p>❤ Complete control – manage</p><p>your account online</p><p>❤ Free weekly e-newsletters</p><p>VISIT SHOP.KELSEY.CO.UK/PYHA</p><p>OR CALL 01959 543747 and quote code PYHA</p><p>Scan our QR code – the easiest & quickest way!</p><p>HOTLINE OPEN: MONDAY-FRIDAY, 8.30AM-5.30PM. CALLS ARE CHARGED AT YOUR STANDARD NETWORK RATE</p><p>SCAN HERE</p><p>Terms & Conditions: UK Direct Debit o�er only. You will pay £51.90 every 12 months. *Savings based on the standard basic annual rate of £100.62 which includes the cover price of £4.99 plus Kelsey Media’s standard postage and packing price per single issue for one full year (13 issues). O�er ends 31st December 2023. Your subscription will start with the next</p><p>available issue, and you will receive 13 issues in a year. Prices correct at time of print and subject to change. For full terms and conditions visit shop.kelsey.co.uk/terms. Data protection: We take great care in handling your personal details and these will only ever be used as set out in our privacy policy which can be viewed at shop.kelsey.co.uk/privacy-policy. You</p><p>may unsubscribe at any time. If you decide to cancel your subscription we will put a stop to any further payments being taken and will send the remaining issues that you have already paid for.</p><p>Psychologies is the biggest mental</p><p>and emotional wellbeing magazine</p><p>in the UK. Our aim is to make each</p><p>day better by providing you with</p><p>inspiration and advice from experts</p><p>in the field, to lower stress and</p><p>anxiety, and boost happiness.</p><p>SUBSCRIBE</p><p>TODAY</p><p>http://SHOP.KELSEY.CO.UK/PYHA</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/terms</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/privacy-policy</p><p>56 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>IM</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>E</p><p>S</p><p>:S</p><p>H</p><p>U</p><p>T</p><p>T</p><p>E</p><p>R</p><p>S</p><p>T</p><p>O</p><p>C</p><p>K</p><p>To train to become an Ollie</p><p>coach, find a coach in your</p><p>area or book an event, visit</p><p>ollieandhissuperpowers.com,</p><p>or email info@ollieandhis</p><p>superpowers.com. The Ollie</p><p>School is waiting to hear</p><p>from you!</p><p>Everwantedtomakeadifferenceandtraintobecomeacoach?</p><p>WiththeOllieSchool,youcouldbechanginglivesbeforeyouknowit</p><p>JoinOllie’s army</p><p>espite the very best efforts of</p><p>our education system, it is</p><p>struggling to copewith fully</p><p>supporting the emotional wellbeing of our</p><p>childrenwithin the curriculum.Have you</p><p>ever felt that youwould love to help, but</p><p>were powerless to act?Well, here’s your</p><p>opportunity to do something positive.</p><p>TheOllie School plans to build an army</p><p>of coaches who canmake theworld a better</p><p>place, one child at a time.OllieCoaching</p><p>is a holistic approach that leads all our</p><p>youngsters to a place where they can thrive</p><p>in the chaos ofmodern living.</p><p>Somany schools are battling to provide</p><p>an appropriatemental health environment,</p><p>and busy parents are up against it in our</p><p>fast-paced lives ruled by socialmedia. That’s</p><p>why AlisonKnowles, whowas challenged</p><p>throughout her life with undiagnosed</p><p>dyslexia, decided to set up theOllie School.</p><p>TheOlliemethodology is all about</p><p>empoweringchildren to seek solutions</p><p>and takecontrol of their emotions, rather</p><p>thanbecontrolledby them.TheOllie</p><p>School trains coaches in a blend of</p><p>methodologies that brings together</p><p>NLP, CBT, EFT and play therapy to</p><p>make sure they cover all the bases.</p><p>TheOlliemethodology</p><p>is all about</p><p>personalisation and identifyingwhich</p><p>techniquewill workwith each individual</p><p>child – no one-size-fits-all approach here.</p><p>Licence to help</p><p>TheOllie School graduates are awarded a</p><p>certified qualification inNLP and a licence to</p><p>work as anOllie coach. If helping children</p><p>and their families to bemore emotionally</p><p>resilient appeals to you,</p><p>contact Ollie School for a</p><p>prospectus and to talk</p><p>about getting with the</p><p>programme.</p><p>D</p><p>Get in touch</p><p>Coursesarenowonlineandintheclassroom, combining</p><p>thebestofbothworldswithalimitednumberoftrainees,maximising</p><p>learningpotential.Seeollieandhissuperpowers.com</p><p>NOWONLINE!</p><p>IN PARTNERSHIP WITH OLLIE SCHOOL</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>http://ollieandhissuperpowers.com</p><p>mailto:info@ollieandhissuperpowers.com</p><p>mailto:info@ollieandhissuperpowers.com</p><p>http://ollieandhissuperpowers.com</p><p>5 7Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>IM</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>E</p><p>:S</p><p>H</p><p>U</p><p>T</p><p>T</p><p>E</p><p>R</p><p>S</p><p>T</p><p>O</p><p>C</p><p>K</p><p>How to connect more meaningfully a enjjooyy loving</p><p>relationships with our partners, childre , parreents and friends</p><p>Christmas is the perfect excuse to get in</p><p>touchwith loved ones you haven’t seen for</p><p>awhile.Who can you reach out to?</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>5 8 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>shadows oncemore. I will be especially</p><p>grateful for this, and for the safety</p><p>ofmy home, against a backdrop of</p><p>nightmarish violence across the globe</p><p>and a planet in crisis. As amother</p><p>of small children, there is a delicate</p><p>balance to be found, I am discovering,</p><p>between the pressure to put on a</p><p>fabulous Christmas and an awareness</p><p>of what reallymatters. Between</p><p>presents and presence.</p><p>Asmy daughters get older there is</p><p>a shift in howwe spend the festive</p><p>season. Usually, there will be an</p><p>alternative celebration at their father’s</p><p>house the week before Christmas.</p><p>I quietly hope that a barrage of gifts</p><p>Christmas suits</p><p>our family well,</p><p>because it’s a</p><p>repeated occasion</p><p>that is steeped</p><p>in tradition. For</p><p>those amongst</p><p>us who appreciate predictability and</p><p>a routine, Christmas is the gift that</p><p>keeps on giving. I have childrenwho</p><p>like to know exactly what to expect,</p><p>and rituals like pictures behind</p><p>windows and baubles on trees offer</p><p>a soothing familiarity.</p><p>However, there is a sadness –maybe</p><p>more of a wistfulness – that visits</p><p>me every year, because Christmas</p><p>reinforces the traditional idea of what</p><p>a family should look like. It reminds</p><p>meof anabsence rather than the fullness</p><p>of the life I live withmy children now.</p><p>But as the gap between being a family</p><p>of six and a family of five widens,</p><p>I cherish this time of year for its</p><p>ability to allow us all to take a breath.</p><p>This year, I hope I will be able to be</p><p>grateful for the relative health ofmy</p><p>children. One year, my eldest was so</p><p>poorly her legs stoppedworking and</p><p>hermind became cluttered with ghosts.</p><p>Despite another year ofmanymedical</p><p>appointments for a different child,</p><p>I hope that there is a light shining as</p><p>the year ends that will take us out of the</p><p>“I cherish this time of year for its</p><p>ability to allow us all to take a breath”</p><p>Homecomfort</p><p>Coming up for air</p><p>Ever-evolving and gloriously messy, Caro Giles</p><p>embraces the changing shape of her family Christmas</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>5 9Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>“The moment when</p><p>I count all of the heads</p><p>in the car and know we</p><p>are together again is</p><p>like a warm blanket”</p><p>IM</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>E</p><p>S</p><p>:S</p><p>H</p><p>U</p><p>T</p><p>T</p><p>E</p><p>R</p><p>S</p><p>T</p><p>O</p><p>C</p><p>K</p><p>Heart REFLECTION</p><p>from his side of the familymight act</p><p>as a sticking plaster for what they no</p><p>longer have. As I said, the absence is</p><p>sometimes still glaring – but we have</p><p>learned to shield the light from our</p><p>eyes.While they are away I will work,</p><p>maybe see a friend, do some last-minute</p><p>shopping, and avoid romantic festive</p><p>films that tell me I need a plus-one.</p><p>Themoment when I collect the girls</p><p>from their dad’s and bring themhome</p><p>for Christmas, when I count all of</p><p>the heads in the car and knowwe are</p><p>together again, is like a warm blanket.</p><p>This is when I knowwe are just enough</p><p>as we are, and that we have the freedom</p><p>to do exactly what wewant as the</p><p>shutters come down on another year.</p><p>We drive back from the city into our</p><p>littlemarket town, to our new home</p><p>with a distant view of the sea, and a</p><p>little grey cat whoweaves between our</p><p>legs as wewalk through the door. There</p><p>is lemonade for the girls and aaaa glass of</p><p>wine forme, pizzas and crispssss. I turn</p><p>on ttthhhe fififire, anddd flflflames llleap outtt attt us as</p><p>daughters sprawl across the sofas.We</p><p>put the TV version of LittleWomen on</p><p>the television, watch all of the episodes</p><p>in one night, and cry as four become</p><p>three, even thoughwe have seen it</p><p>many times before. The girls find a</p><p>carrot for the reindeer and leave a glass</p><p>ofmilk and amince pie for Father</p><p>Christmas, before venturing into beds</p><p>that are drapedwith the stockings</p><p>I sewed for themwhen they were born.</p><p>In themorning, if Father Christmas</p><p>has visited, my bed is soon filled with</p><p>girls taking it in turns to unwrap their</p><p>gifts, while the cat rolls in discarded</p><p>paper. I drink endless cups of tea, like</p><p>anyotherday, andmyphonebuzzeswith</p><p>messages frommy sister in Australia.</p><p>We often spend Christmas Day at</p><p>home on our own, but this year a dear</p><p>fffriiienddd iiis comiiinggg fffor lllunchhhwiiittthhh hhher</p><p>mother and her daughter. This has</p><p>been the very worst year ofmy friend’s</p><p>life, and I hopewe can bring her a</p><p>little sparkle. Perhaps one of the only</p><p>good things aboutmoments of great</p><p>challenge and sadness is that they</p><p>can bring people closer together.My</p><p>friend and I have formed a sort of</p><p>family amongst themess of our lives,</p><p>one that has grown out of themost</p><p>difficult times in our lives into</p><p>something valued and precious.</p><p>And, so, our family evolves once</p><p>more: not the tidy sort that you see</p><p>on the front of Christmas cards,</p><p>but one shaped by the savage beauty</p><p>and grief that life throws at all of</p><p>us along the way. 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Inpractice</p><p>fornearly two</p><p>decades, shehas</p><p>helped thousands</p><p>ofpeople seeking</p><p>treatment for trauma,</p><p>grief, aswellas</p><p>challenging life</p><p>experiencesand</p><p>transitions.Gina is</p><p>theauthorofMoving</p><p>OnDoesn’tMean</p><p>LettingGo (Ebury</p><p>Publishing,£16.99).</p><p>ginamoffa.com</p><p>For decades, we’ve been sold</p><p>theEastEnders’ version</p><p>of Christmas. A huge</p><p>table; turkey with all the</p><p>trimmings; crackers and silly hats; a</p><p>tree teemingwith presents. Butmost of</p><p>all, family –whether squabbling, serene,</p><p>raucous, ormurderous!We’re also</p><p>told inmyriad ways – fromfilms, to</p><p>adverts, to the King’s annual broadcast</p><p>– that family is the crowning jewel</p><p>of the festive season. The thing that</p><p>makes Christmas, well, Christmas.</p><p>The trouble is that, formany people,</p><p>this simply isn’t true. In fact, according</p><p>to the charity Standalone, one in five</p><p>families in the UK are affected by</p><p>family estrangement. Life changes can</p><p>mean that, this year, youmight be</p><p>facing the first Christmas after the</p><p>death of a loved one. Or the first one</p><p>away fromhome. Or the first one</p><p>following a separation or divorce.</p><p>But whether it’s the first, or the fifth,</p><p>you’ll experience grief if something, or</p><p>someone, ismissing. And this grief can</p><p>be complex and confusing, whether it’s</p><p>amuch-wanted relationship break-up,</p><p>or a sudden, unexpected loss.With so</p><p>much joy around, it can feel hard to find</p><p>your inner light. And the brighter the</p><p>fairy lights, the worse youmay feel.</p><p>Creating light from loss</p><p>Sadly, in ourmodern society, we don’t</p><p>havemany socially definedways of</p><p>dealing with loss.We don’t wear a black</p><p>armband to let others knowwe’re</p><p>feeling fragile, and for themost part,</p><p>life doesn’t stop. The Christmas</p><p>juggernaut arrives, regardless, which is</p><p>whywe need to create our own tools.</p><p>‘Grief in joy is bittersweet,’ explains</p><p>psychotherapist and author GinaMoffa.</p><p>‘It comes as a burst. It can be amemory,</p><p>a sound, a smell, thememory of a ritual</p><p>or tradition – and the very apparent</p><p>understanding that that time is now</p><p>in the past. Grief affects all the senses</p><p>and usually comes as a wave of intense</p><p>emotion that flows through you,</p><p>perhaps even giving you a quiver in</p><p>your body. This is your body’s way of</p><p>remembering,’ she says.</p><p>‘Grief can leave you exhausted,</p><p>malnourished, sleepless, and</p><p>dehydrated because, after loss, you</p><p>get distracted with the pragmatics of</p><p>planning.Make sure you drink enough</p><p>water, eat enough nutritious food, rest,</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>https://ginamoffa.com/</p><p>6 4 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>Feeling festive</p><p>yourway</p><p>Christmas doesn’t have to</p><p>involve a table and a turkey,</p><p>although if you’re keen to skip</p><p>the washing-up, and still want a</p><p>special meal, you’ll find lots of</p><p>pubs and restaurants open on</p><p>Christmas Day. It’s also a great</p><p>time to wrap up warm, and</p><p>explore the landscape where you</p><p>live, or take a trip somewhere</p><p>new. Why not make a gratitude</p><p>list, and gift yourself something</p><p>that makes your heart sing,</p><p>as a celebration of all you’ve</p><p>achieved. Alternatively, you</p><p>could volunteer at a local food</p><p>bank, or at a charity.</p><p>The festive season can be</p><p>about anything you like –</p><p>whether that’s tapas with</p><p>friends, video calls with loved</p><p>ones (at home or abroad),</p><p>mocktails and manicures, or</p><p>mince pies in the park. Whatever</p><p>is meaningful to you, is what will</p><p>make it special.</p><p>Reaching out</p><p>Whetherornotyouhaveatight-knitsupportnetwork,you’reneveralone.</p><p>‘Connectwithsomeoneyoufeelmightget it,’ saysMoffa.Thiscanbeafriend,</p><p>atherapist,orasupportgroup. ‘WhenitcomestoChristmas,youcanbe</p><p>guaranteedthatothersaroundyouarefeelingsomeofthesamethingsyouare.</p><p>Connectwiththosepeopleandleanononeanotherduringtheseason,’ shesays.</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>6 5</p><p>Heart LOSS</p><p>Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>“There’s so much power in</p><p>realising that you don’t have to</p><p>do what you’ve always done”</p><p>and get enoughmovement,’ saysMoffa.</p><p>This doesn’t mean foregoing the</p><p>Heroes, or any other treats. It can</p><p>be as simple as a few extra green</p><p>vegetables, a walk around the block,</p><p>and a stretch in your living room.</p><p>‘Prepare for the holidays by creating</p><p>a Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C. Your Plan</p><p>A is what you hope to do, but if on that</p><p>day, you realise you can’t face it, you</p><p>have permission to go with Plan B. If</p><p>that doesn’t feel good either, having</p><p>a third plan can help you hold onto</p><p>amodicum of agency in what feels</p><p>overwhelming,’ she says.</p><p>Schedule in downtime and try not</p><p>to do things solely out of obligation.</p><p>‘Allow yourself to honour your feelings</p><p>and find away to nourish yourself:</p><p>whether through creating comforting</p><p>meals, reading a book, or watching old</p><p>movies,’ saysMoffa.</p><p>Meaning andmagic</p><p>‘I was 34when I split upwithmy</p><p>husband, in September 2001,’ says</p><p>June, fromEast Yorkshire, who has</p><p>since re-married. ‘It was amassive</p><p>decision to break up a family, and I felt</p><p>somuch guilt – especially as we had</p><p>four adopted children, all under seven.</p><p>But I knew it was the right decision.</p><p>The children saw their dad on</p><p>weekends, but he didn’t offer his</p><p>services over Christmas, and as the big</p><p>day drew nearer, the reality kicked in.</p><p>Iwas feeling so low, and keptwondering,</p><p>Helpful charities</p><p>● Standalone supports adults that are estranged from family members. It runs support</p><p>groups and provides a wealth of resources. Visit standalone.org.uk</p><p>● Cruse Bereavement Care supports people no matter how long they’ve been grieving.</p><p>Call its helpline on 0808 808 1677, or visit cruse.org.uk</p><p>● Relate provides relationship counselling and support. Visit relate.org.uk</p><p>“How on earth am I going to do this?”</p><p>In the end, I invitedmymum and sister</p><p>over. It was a completely different day,</p><p>as we all pitched in to cook and play</p><p>games. But the children loved it.</p><p>I realised I could dig deep and not</p><p>only get through it, butmake it the start</p><p>of a new kind of Christmas,’ she says.</p><p>‘Looking back, I learned somuch</p><p>from that first Christmas as a single</p><p>parent, and all the ones that followed.</p><p>I’m also so thankful that I sawmyGP</p><p>and reached out for counselling. I’ve</p><p>learned to adapt. There’s somuch</p><p>power in realising that you don’t</p><p>have to dowhat you’ve always done.’</p><p>Embracing the new</p><p>Of course, it’s natural to want to</p><p>honour past traditions and rituals</p><p>that feel good, but think about how</p><p>you can honour who you are today.</p><p>‘Creating new traditions is a way you</p><p>can bring a sense of newness and</p><p>curiosity to an otherwise painful</p><p>season.What are some things you’ve</p><p>always wanted to do but haven’t had</p><p>the space for? Take some time and</p><p>plan to do them,’ saysMoffa.</p><p>‘Introduce new rituals slowly, when</p><p>you’re ready,’ cautionsMoffa. ‘You</p><p>don’t have to do it all at once. And it’s</p><p>okay for grief to come along for the</p><p>ride as a travelling companionwith</p><p>new traditions and rituals. One day,</p><p>the newwill become the comfort of</p><p>what came next.’</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>http://standalone.org.uk</p><p>http://standalone.org.uk</p><p>http://cruse.org.uk</p><p>http://cruse.org.uk</p><p>http://relate.org.uk</p><p>6 6 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>If ‘Embracing Christmas 2.0’ has struck a chord with you, discover how</p><p>author Veronica Henry created her own new-look Christmas… IM</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>E</p><p>S</p><p>:S</p><p>H</p><p>U</p><p>T</p><p>T</p><p>E</p><p>R</p><p>S</p><p>T</p><p>O</p><p>C</p><p>K</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>67Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>For years, Christmas was a high-octane</p><p>muddle of dawn rising, discarded</p><p>wrapping paper, the emergency scrabble</p><p>for AA batteries, mounds of roast</p><p>potatoes, thundering James Bond theme tunes</p><p>and findingmelted pieces of Terry’s Chocolate</p><p>Orange down the back of the sofa.With three</p><p>boys, it was a glorious rampage, only survived by</p><p>manic list-making and swigs ofmulled wine.</p><p>Butnothing stays the same.Those rambunctious</p><p>times are now amemory, and I’ve curated a new</p><p>Christmas. A quiet Christmas. For now, at any</p><p>rate. I’m single, my darling dad passed away some</p><p>years ago, andmy brother and his family live in</p><p>Australia.Myboys are all grownup,with girlfriends</p><p>and other demands upon them, so nowadays we</p><p>all meet up for a weekend inDecember to do our</p><p>own pre-celebration, which frees themup to do</p><p>as they please on Christmas Day.</p><p>Heart ACCEPTANCE</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>6 8 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>And I spend it withmymother, in the</p><p>family home I grew up in. Neither of us</p><p>is short of invitations to go elsewhere,</p><p>but it’s rather lovely to spend the day</p><p>together, just the two of us, pleasing</p><p>ourselves. It means we can pick all the</p><p>bits we like about Christmas, and turn</p><p>our backs on the traditions we’re not so</p><p>keen on. Andwe divide the prep evenly</p><p>between us, emails flying backwards</p><p>and forwards in the run-up, so there</p><p>is still a sense of expectation and</p><p>excitement. Shall we dispense with</p><p>crackers – ormight there be a couple</p><p>from last year in the decoration box?</p><p>Perhaps guinea fowl instead of turkey</p><p>– even a crown is rather too big.My</p><p>mother is the creative one, brilliant at</p><p>decorating and flower arranging and</p><p>making a wreath for the front door. I’m</p><p>the keen cook.We play to our strengths.</p><p>Andwe stint on nothing – it’s still</p><p>going to be a day of indulgence, with</p><p>all the rituals of swapping presents,</p><p>getting dressed up, and feasting. I start</p><p>in late November bymakingNigel</p><p>Slater’s Christmas pudding, deliciously</p><p>light and succulent andwith the</p><p>obligatory sixpence. There’s a trip to a</p><p>favourite farm shop to buy the smoked</p><p>salmon and vegetables and cheese.</p><p>I nip to thewinemerchants to choose</p><p>a special bottle of something.Mum</p><p>doesn’t drink, so it’s all forme.</p><p>We don’t get up early, because we</p><p>don’t have to. But we do get dressed</p><p>up, because we love it, putting on silk</p><p>and high heels and sparkly earrings.</p><p>Mid-morning the bells from the church</p><p>around the corner fill the air andwe</p><p>tussle with our conscience – should we</p><p>go? It’s a place of toomanymemories</p><p>– weddings, christenings, memorial</p><p>services – andwe decide not. Instead,</p><p>we tug on our boots and head down to</p><p>the churchyard to the visit the Irish</p><p>yewwe have planted inmemory ofmy</p><p>lovely dad. Tears glisten on our lashes</p><p>as we chat to him andwish him aMerry</p><p>Christmas. Once upon a time, he would</p><p>have been first up, boiling eggs for his</p><p>grandchildren, sharpening the carving</p><p>knife, bringing in the logs. Hemight</p><p>not be here, but his spirit is, and our</p><p>love for him, too.</p><p>It’s back home for coffee, mince</p><p>pies and FaceTimewithmy brother</p><p>in Australia, where Christmas Day</p><p>is drawing to a close. There’smuch</p><p>laughter andmerriment as the iPad is</p><p>passed around, greetings swapped and</p><p>kisses blown and thanks for presents</p><p>given. Thenwe chat to each ofmy boys</p><p>in turn, wherever they are, and plans</p><p>aremade to catch up onNewYear’sDay.</p><p>Thenwe light the fire and it’s time for</p><p>a glass of fizz (forme) and to swap gifts.</p><p>Mymother is the best present buyer</p><p>in the world and I’m always delighted.</p><p>I worrymy gifts to her are rather</p><p>prosaic, but she always seems pleased.</p><p>We have smoked salmon on homemade</p><p>soda breadmade frommy Irish</p><p>grandmother’s recipe.</p><p>Then it’s lunch, usually later than</p><p>planned, but it doesn’tmatter.We eat</p><p>in the dining room, at the big table that</p><p>used to seat anything up to 12 of us, and</p><p>for amoment it feels odd to look at the</p><p>empty chairs. I try and carve as best</p><p>I can, wishing I had askedmy father</p><p>to teachme how to do it properly. But</p><p>everything tastes delicious nonetheless,</p><p>andwe still douse the pudding in</p><p>brandy and set it alight. Just because</p><p>there’s only two of us doesn’t mean</p><p>ignoring ceremony.</p><p>The best thing about a quiet</p><p>Christmas is there’s not toomuch</p><p>washing up, so we get that out of the</p><p>way and restore order. Afterwards, we</p><p>head back into the living room to put</p><p>more logs on the fire, curling upwith</p><p>the books we’ve been given. At some</p><p>point, we’ll both fall asleep for ten</p><p>minutes or so, basking in the warmth</p><p>of the glow. Late in the evening, I feel</p><p>a pang as I remembermy dad bringing</p><p>in cold turkey sandwiches, but Imake</p><p>them instead, even thoughwe swore</p><p>earlier we couldn’t eat another thing.</p><p>It’s a far cry from theway I present</p><p>Christmas inmy bookACountry</p><p>Christmas, which is chaotic, noisy and</p><p>fuelled by sloe gin, with unexpected</p><p>guests, over-indulgence, and hidden</p><p>secrets galore, but, just like a huge</p><p>family Christmas, that’s really not</p><p>the kind of Christmas I want right</p><p>now either. The important thing</p><p>to remember is that nothing stays</p><p>the same – but the key is to go with</p><p>it. Sometimes, a quiet Christmas is</p><p>exactly what you need.</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>6 9</p><p>Heart ACCEPTANCE</p><p>Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>ACountryChristmasbyVeronica</p><p>Henryisoutnow(Orion,£9.99).</p><p>HernewbookTheSecretBeach</p><p>willbeoutnextyear</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>7 0 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>Weare delighted</p><p>towelcomeour</p><p>newagonyaunt,</p><p>DrMarthaDeiros</p><p>Collado. She is a</p><p>psychologistwith</p><p>more than20years of</p><p>clinical andacademic</p><p>experience, and is</p><p>the author</p><p>ofHow</p><p>ToBeTheGrown-Up</p><p>(Transworld, £16.99)</p><p>Gotaquestion for</p><p>DrMartha?Email</p><p>letters@psychologies.</p><p>co.uk,with ‘Martha</p><p>life’ in the subject line.</p><p>Our new agony aunt,</p><p>Dr Martha, offers a different</p><p>perspective on your problems</p><p>Howcanwealignour</p><p>hopes for the future?</p><p>Q Mypartner doesn’t want anymore children, but I would likemore.</p><p>I am fearful of resenting him if I give in to his wants and needs,</p><p>and I feel really stuck and upset. How canwemove forwards in</p><p>our relationshipwhen our vision for the future is so at odds?</p><p>This is a common challenge. Becoming</p><p>a parent is hard on relationships, and,</p><p>for some partners, the idea of doing</p><p>everything all over again is terrifying.</p><p>There is a good reason your partner</p><p>doesn’t want another child, just like</p><p>there’s a good reasonwhy you do.</p><p>Open communicationwill help you</p><p>understand each others’ perspective.</p><p>Being parents is exactly about this</p><p>– communication, understanding, and</p><p>finding a way through together. Here</p><p>are some ideas to help you get started:</p><p>● Knowwhat you want before you</p><p>start talking. Take some time to</p><p>really think through your wants for</p><p>another child. Have you thought of how</p><p>it will shift the balance of your current</p><p>family life?What workedwell last time</p><p>that youwant to do again?What would</p><p>you like to be different?How realistic</p><p>is it to have another child (physically,</p><p>financially, and practically), and how</p><p>will this impact on your relationship?</p><p>● Make it safe to talk. Avoid using</p><p>blame or judging your partner. Enter</p><p>the conversation owning what you</p><p>want with something like, ‘I have</p><p>something I want to talk about, is now</p><p>a good time?’. And avoid raising the issue</p><p>after a long and busy day at work, when</p><p>you’re both tired andwant to relax.</p><p>● Begin with gratitude.Recognise</p><p>what is working well in your current</p><p>family set-up andwhat works well as</p><p>a couple. Share what you think you</p><p>already have that is precious, and how</p><p>youwant to hold on to it. This can often</p><p>be a vital first step thatmanymiss</p><p>before talking about change, and I’d</p><p>urge you to not skip it. In fact, if this</p><p>is the only thing you talk about during</p><p>your first conversation around the issue,</p><p>that would be a very positive outcome!</p><p>● Remain curious.Own your</p><p>statements (for example, ‘I feel…’,</p><p>‘I want…’) and stay open about your</p><p>partner’s views (for example, ‘I want to</p><p>hear your thoughts and feelings about</p><p>this…’). Learning why your partner</p><p>feels the way they domight not change</p><p>yourmind, but it will give you insight</p><p>into their frame of reference.</p><p>● Keep talking and stay patient.</p><p>‘Not now’ doesn’t necessarilymean</p><p>‘never’.When you let go of putting</p><p>pressure on yourself and/or your</p><p>partner, you allow for your own feelings</p><p>and your partner’s to take upmore</p><p>space. Thismay help to shift things one</p><p>way or another, because your partner</p><p>won’t feel pressured ormanipulated</p><p>into giving in. So keep talking and</p><p>having that open space to understand</p><p>each other and, over time, some</p><p>common groundmay be found.</p><p>If you hit a point where you can no</p><p>longer discuss the topic respectfully,</p><p>professional guidancemay help;</p><p>Tavistock Relationships (tavistock</p><p>relationships.org) offers both virtual</p><p>and face-to-face couples’ therapy.</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>mailto:letters@psychologies.co.uk</p><p>mailto:letters@psychologies.co.uk</p><p>https://tavistockrelationships.org/</p><p>https://tavistockrelationships.org/</p><p>7 1Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>Is givingand receiving validation</p><p>really suchabig deal?</p><p>QI hear about validation</p><p>and its importance all</p><p>the time. I wonder, though,</p><p>is there a point you can</p><p>give a problem toomuch air?</p><p>Validation shows someone that you</p><p>understand their feelings and point</p><p>of view, evenwhen you disagree.</p><p>Validation demonstrates empathy of</p><p>someone else’s emotional experience.</p><p>It says, ‘I see you, and I understandwhy</p><p>you feel that way’. Validation can help</p><p>to overcome overwhelming emotions</p><p>and, during childhood, it builds</p><p>regulation and self-awareness. In</p><p>childhood, you can’t ‘give a problem</p><p>toomuch air’. Childrenwho grow up</p><p>with validation tend to have a strong,</p><p>self-validating voice as adults, seeking</p><p>less validation from others. The</p><p>opposite is true for those who grow</p><p>upwith little validation (for example,</p><p>instead of ‘You’re upset, I see you’ they</p><p>hear, ‘Stop crying, its not a big deal’).</p><p>Although it is normal to want</p><p>validation, when you become an adult</p><p>you have to learn that not all your</p><p>IM</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>E</p><p>S</p><p>:</p><p>S</p><p>H</p><p>U</p><p>T</p><p>T</p><p>E</p><p>R</p><p>S</p><p>T</p><p>O</p><p>C</p><p>K</p><p>Heart ADVICE</p><p>feelings need to be validated. There is a</p><p>fine line betweenwanting someone to</p><p>understand you andwanting them to</p><p>validate your feelings. Others are not</p><p>responsible forhelpingyou feel reassured</p><p>that your feelings are okay; you need to</p><p>learn to have greater self-compassion,</p><p>withoutneedingothers to reassure you</p><p>that your experience is valid. If you find</p><p>yourself seeking toomuch validation,</p><p>here are a few things you can try:</p><p>● Ask yourself, ‘Do I feel invisible,</p><p>or deprived of attention?’. Consider</p><p>how youmight give yourself positive</p><p>regard, whichmay include talking in</p><p>a compassionate voice (for example,</p><p>‘I am human, it’s okay’), and focusing</p><p>on your achievements with pride, no</p><p>matter how small these are.</p><p>● Accept your feelings as valid. Learn</p><p>that no feeling is good or bad, they are</p><p>just part of our experience as humans.</p><p>Begin by accepting how you feel in the</p><p>moment and letting the emotion ride</p><p>its course. Say to yourself, ‘To feel is</p><p>human; I am allowed to feel this way’.</p><p>● Instead of seeking validation from</p><p>others, grow self-validation. Try some</p><p>positive affirmations such as ‘I am</p><p>confident’ or ‘I am a good friend’.</p><p>Tailor this to your needs. Think of</p><p>what youwould say to a best friend</p><p>in your situation andwrite it down</p><p>tomake it easier. At first, it may not</p><p>feel true, but in time itmight.</p><p>● Practise setting boundaries.</p><p>Excessive validation can sometimes</p><p>stem from a need to feel liked by others</p><p>and to protect yourself from being</p><p>rejected in relationships. Practise</p><p>by saying ‘no’ to small requests and</p><p>getting used to disappointing people.</p><p>Next time you have a strong emotion</p><p>inside of you, or youmess up in</p><p>someway, you can let go of seeking</p><p>reassurance from someone else that</p><p>your experience is okay and, instead,</p><p>find a little self-compassion. This</p><p>workmay be hard, but it is worth</p><p>it. Validation is not a bad thing; it’s</p><p>affirming and positive. It only becomes</p><p>problematic when it becomes a big</p><p>focus in your relationships. Focus on</p><p>taking small steps to connect with</p><p>yourself, and that connection you seek</p><p>with others will soon follow.</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>7 2 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>Have you ever felt that</p><p>pressure to go along</p><p>with what others want</p><p>in order to keep the peace</p><p>over Christmas? Do you bite your lip</p><p>whenmaking plans with your nearest</p><p>and dearest, or keep all too quiet on</p><p>the familyWhatsApp group for fear</p><p>of offending someone?</p><p>It’s a situationmany of us fall into</p><p>at this time of year. But whilst there</p><p>needs to be a healthy give and take</p><p>in our relationships, this can be a</p><p>challenging balance to find alongside</p><p>societal and family expectations,</p><p>and evenmore so whenwe ‘people</p><p>please’ or take on the responsibility</p><p>ofmaking everyone happy.</p><p>People pleasing is a compulsion to</p><p>look after others at the expense of your</p><p>own needs andwants. It’s particularly</p><p>prevalent at this time, as its roots are</p><p>often found in childhood; feeling that</p><p>a parent’s love was conditional, or a</p><p>parent was emotionally inconsistent</p><p>or unavailable. So itmakes sense that</p><p>spendingmore time than usual with</p><p>your relations, as somany of us do</p><p>around the festive season,may bring</p><p>up these emotions.Whilstmaking</p><p>other people happy isn’t a bad thing,</p><p>whenpeople pleasing goes into overdrive</p><p>it can become awell-ingrained pattern</p><p>of thoughts, feelings and behaviours</p><p>driven by a fear of being rejected by</p><p>others, rather than open-hearted giving.</p><p>Persistent pleasing</p><p>‘You can easily spot the signs that</p><p>you are a people pleaser ,’ says healthy</p><p>relationships coachHelen Snape.</p><p>‘These include saying “yes” to demands</p><p>on your time; feeling responsible for</p><p>how others are feeling; over-committing</p><p>yourself; pretending that everything</p><p>is fine; ignoring how you feel; avoiding</p><p>conflict; and taking the blamewhen</p><p>it isn’t your fault.’</p><p>Most people pleasers are deeply</p><p>caring, nurturing people. ‘They often</p><p>make great team players, can read the</p><p>energy of a room, and are excellent at</p><p>putting other people at ease,’ explains</p><p>Snape. ‘They feel responsible for</p><p>creating a happy, harmonious home. W</p><p>O</p><p>R</p><p>D</p><p>S</p><p>:H</p><p>E</p><p>L</p><p>E</p><p>N</p><p>S</p><p>N</p><p>A</p><p>P</p><p>E</p><p>.I</p><p>M</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>E</p><p>S</p><p>:S</p><p>H</p><p>U</p><p>T</p><p>T</p><p>E</p><p>R</p><p>S</p><p>T</p><p>O</p><p>C</p><p>K</p><p>In the season of peace and goodwill to all, bring back the</p><p>balance and learn to look after yourself as well as others</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>Heart SELF-COMPASSION</p><p>7 3Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>Expert</p><p>advice</p><p>HelenSnape</p><p>isahealthy</p><p>relationshipscoach,</p><p>andtheauthorof</p><p>DropTheFakeSmile:</p><p>TheRecovering</p><p>People-Pleaser’s</p><p>GuideToSelf-Love,</p><p>Boundaries</p><p>AndHealthy</p><p>Relationships</p><p>(ConsciousDreams</p><p>Publishing,£12.99).</p><p>helensnape.com</p><p>MetteTheilmann isa</p><p>parentingconsultant</p><p>withabackground</p><p>inpsychology, the</p><p>founderofPredictable</p><p>Parenting,andthe</p><p>creatorof the</p><p>Parenting</p><p>Communityapp.</p><p>mettetheilmann.com</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>http://mettetheilmann.com</p><p>https://www.helensnape.com/</p><p>74 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>People pleasers are kind, loving people</p><p>at heart,’ adds life-balance coach</p><p>Mette Theilmann.</p><p>However, the shadowy side of people</p><p>pleasing is over-giving in every area of</p><p>life. This can look like unbalanced and</p><p>draining relationships, over-working,</p><p>being looked over for promotion,</p><p>and being taken advantage of. And</p><p>these stresses only getmagnified over</p><p>the festive season – butwhy?</p><p>Aswegrowup,we learnwhatour family</p><p>andwider society expect to happen over</p><p>Christmas. These can be things such as</p><p>your parents expecting you to stay at</p><p>their house, your siblings liking to get</p><p>drunkwhile you don’t want to drink,</p><p>feeling forced to spendmore time than</p><p>you are comfortable with socialising</p><p>with certain people, or the pressure to</p><p>buy expensive gifts for everyone.</p><p>In order to avoid getting sucked into</p><p>an agenda that you’ll later resent, you</p><p>must identify and communicate your</p><p>boundaries in advance, advises Snape.</p><p>‘You have to decide what your limits are</p><p>before you have the conversationwith</p><p>family or friends. And then clearly</p><p>communicate them, remembering the</p><p>acronymKISS: keep it short and simple!’</p><p>For a people pleaser, this is tough to</p><p>do, because it brings up anxiety about</p><p>ruining relationships. Snape advises you</p><p>remember that, by setting boundaries,</p><p>you aren’t beingmean; you are actually</p><p>helping the other person understand</p><p>what you need, which in the long run</p><p>will allow that relationship to continue</p><p>in a healthy way.</p><p>‘It’s going to feel uncomfortable</p><p>setting those limits, but remember</p><p>that discomfort is temporary and you</p><p>will live through it,’ Snape says. She</p><p>recommendsmanaging that emotional</p><p>discomfort by sandwiching it between</p><p>two regulating resources. ‘If you know</p><p>you have a hard conversation coming up,</p><p>both before and after that conversation</p><p>plan to do something that will help</p><p>regulate your nervous system, such as</p><p>a walk in nature, listening to soothing</p><p>music, talking with a friend, or watching</p><p>your favourite TV show.’</p><p>Team effort</p><p>As parents, all wewant is for our</p><p>children to be happy, andwewill do</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>7 5</p><p>Heart SELF-COMPASSION</p><p>Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>anything to achieve that. Thielmann</p><p>describes how this often manifests</p><p>at Christmas as one or both parents</p><p>doing everything: buying all the gifts,</p><p>wrapping them, putting up decorations,</p><p>and cooking the dinner. While this may</p><p>lead to a picture-perfect look on the</p><p>outside, it can also lead to feeling</p><p>anxious beforehand, stressed during,</p><p>and exhausted afterwards.</p><p>Thielmann offers this re-frame: whilst</p><p>you may do it with the kindest intentions,</p><p>taking on all the chores for Christmas</p><p>(or at any other time) can leave children</p><p>feeling undervalued and untrusted,</p><p>which can ultimately affect their</p><p>confidence. So no one ends up happy!</p><p>‘There is a danger,’ she adds, ‘that</p><p>when parents are unhappy or stressed</p><p>out their children</p><p>might internalise</p><p>the stress by thinking</p><p>it is their fault.</p><p>They might go into</p><p>overdrive to make</p><p>their parents happy.</p><p>Then they grow into</p><p>people pleasers, too!’</p><p>Thielmann</p><p>suggests having a</p><p>family conversation</p><p>well in advance to</p><p>embrace the idea</p><p>that the whole family</p><p>is a team and</p><p>that everyone is</p><p>responsible for</p><p>creating a magical</p><p>time, by agreeing who will do what,</p><p>writing it down, and trusting that it</p><p>will happen. ‘Simply start an open</p><p>conversation by saying, “Christmas</p><p>is coming and there are lots of things</p><p>we need to do. I need your help to</p><p>make this a special time. How can</p><p>we make this work together?”’</p><p>She says that parents are often</p><p>surprised at how willing their children</p><p>are to help, and how they actually want</p><p>to be part of the planning. ‘By getting</p><p>them involved, we are giving them</p><p>the message that they are capable</p><p>and resilient and caring of others,</p><p>without people pleasing,’ she says.</p><p>Perhaps you could get the whole</p><p>family involved with a ‘gift-wrapping</p><p>day’, where you all have fun wrapping up</p><p>presents, or get children involved in</p><p>making and writing cards. And instead</p><p>of spending all of Christmas morning in</p><p>the kitchen, make dinner a joint effort,</p><p>where each family member has a special</p><p>job, be it laying the table, peeling</p><p>potatoes, or tidying up afterwards.</p><p>Conflict control</p><p>You can avoid many people-pleasing</p><p>pitfalls by this kind of advance planning</p><p>and communication. However, there</p><p>will always be unexpected conflicts that</p><p>arise, such as your parents being upset</p><p>that you only stayed for a couple of hours,</p><p>or one child breaking another’s toy.</p><p>When this happens, remember</p><p>(again!) that it isn’t your job to make</p><p>everyone happy. And that other people</p><p>are entitled to feel</p><p>how they feel, even if</p><p>that makes you feel</p><p>uncomfortable.</p><p>Snape suggests</p><p>that, in these</p><p>moments, you take</p><p>time to breathe and</p><p>ground yourself. ‘Say</p><p>silently and slowly to</p><p>yourself, “I am okay”</p><p>several times. This</p><p>gives a chance for</p><p>any overwhelming</p><p>emotions to flow</p><p>through, and for your</p><p>prefrontal cortex to</p><p>come back online, so</p><p>you then act out of</p><p>conscious choice, rather than from</p><p>ingrained people-pleasing patterns.’</p><p>This is a really important time to</p><p>practise self-compassion: ‘Christmas</p><p>and families can be some of the biggest</p><p>triggers to set off people-pleasing</p><p>patterns,’ says Snape. ‘Give yourself</p><p>a break if you find that you have</p><p>fallen back into them. Congratulate</p><p>yourself for noticing, breathe, and</p><p>forgive yourself.’</p><p>And, finally, remember to let the</p><p>good land. When you are busy people</p><p>pleasing, it’s easy to ignore those</p><p>special, beautiful or warm moments</p><p>that do happen. Let that big heart of</p><p>yours receive the love and goodness</p><p>that exists from family, friends and the</p><p>earth, and enjoy a wonderful Christmas.</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>7 6 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>In one camp, you have those who are</p><p>spliced (hopefully, happily so), and in</p><p>the other, a pool of potential partners</p><p>ready to find their perfectmatch. Let</p><p>me reassure you now: if you fit into</p><p>either of these categories, you are in a</p><p>very well-established club of folks all</p><p>trying to figure it out and get through</p><p>the festive period in one piece!</p><p>If you are in a couple and anticipating</p><p>running the festive gauntlet without</p><p>ending in divorce (I’m joking – kind of ),</p><p>then there are plenty of things you can</p><p>do to future-proof your relationship</p><p>and enjoy the festivities in the process.</p><p>According to Relate, around 70 per</p><p>cent of couples anticipate Christmas</p><p>will put pressure on their relationship,</p><p>so it really is a thing, and you are a</p><p>perfectly normal couple if you find</p><p>this time of year particularly stressful.</p><p>There’s a lot to think about, isn’t there?</p><p>Whose house you spend the big day</p><p>at. Juggling difficult loved ones. How</p><p>muchmoney to spend on presents.</p><p>And throwing children into themix</p><p>can only add to the overwhelm.</p><p>The good news is, you are in control.</p><p>Asmuch as it might feel as though you</p><p>aren’t (the adverts, shops, and general</p><p>marketing chaos doesn’t help), it’s</p><p>really important you take a pause and</p><p>a step back, andwork out as a teamwhat</p><p>kind of Christmas youwant, how it</p><p>might look, and howyouwill execute</p><p>it. Some of themost content people</p><p>are the ones who step outside of the</p><p>general chaos and actually lean in to</p><p>writing off this time of year as ‘for</p><p>couples’, because it’s absolutely not!</p><p>Christmas brings with it a lot of</p><p>free time, so use it wisely, not on the</p><p>umpteenth boxset with only a tub of</p><p>Heroes for company! Firstly, it’s a</p><p>brilliant time to work on yourself, and</p><p>to figure out what exactly youwould</p><p>like for you and your love life. Instead</p><p>of feeling glum that all of your coupled-</p><p>upmates are snuggled in front of a fire,</p><p>shift the focus onto you, and to the</p><p>possibilities that are out there –which</p><p>are all yours for the taking! Here’s how:</p><p>● Say yes. Christmas parties can be</p><p>a really great way tomeet people and</p><p>get to know colleagues that you don’t</p><p>normally speak to. Also say yes to</p><p>friends who are putting on a festive</p><p>bash – chances are theymight have</p><p>some hot singlemates! This is such a</p><p>sociable time of year, and themore you</p><p>put yourself out there, themore chance</p><p>you have ofmeeting someone.</p><p>● Spruce up your dating apps.With</p><p>single people typically havingmore</p><p>free time at this time of year, why not</p><p>freshenupyourprofile and try a fewnew</p><p>dating apps? It’s easy to get stuck in a</p><p>routine, souse this time to tap into anew</p><p>network of fellow singles, all looking to</p><p>meet somebody special this Christmas.</p><p>● Reconnect. Christmas is typically a</p><p>time of year for visiting relatives, and</p><p>oftenwe find ourselves back in our</p><p>old stomping grounds. This is a great</p><p>opportunity to see people from your</p><p>past. Perhaps a trip down to the local</p><p>pubwill reunite youwith an old flame?</p><p>Whatever your plans this Christmas,</p><p>andwhoever youmay be spending</p><p>it with, take amoment to shine</p><p>a spotlight inwards and tomake a</p><p>mental note of what a fantastic human</p><p>being you are. And acknowledge the</p><p>fact that, whether you’re in a couple or</p><p>completely single, you really are enough.</p><p>Anna W illiamson</p><p>The smell of cinnamon, tinsel, and panic is in the air!</p><p>Every year, Christmas seems to descend upon us</p><p>with asmuch urgency and pressure as poor ol’ Santa</p><p>himself must feel every 24December. Andwhether you are</p><p>in a relationship, or you arewishing youwere, Christmas is</p><p>undoubtedly a particularly testing time for our love lives.</p><p>Passthemistletoe!</p><p>what they really want, not what they</p><p>think is expected of them. After all,</p><p>Christmas is only a few days, and</p><p>hopefully your relationship will last a</p><p>hell of a lot longer.Here are some tips to</p><p>help you navigate this stressful season:</p><p>● Make it yours. Discuss between</p><p>youwhat ismost important. Is it food,</p><p>family, entertainment, or celebrating</p><p>your faith? Instead of striving for</p><p>somebody else’s idea of perfection,</p><p>create your own ideal Christmas.</p><p>● Be realistic. If you can’t afford</p><p>luxurious gifts or expensive food, then</p><p>don’t buy them! It is widely understood</p><p>that we are in a cost-of-living crisis,</p><p>and putting financial pressure on your</p><p>family isn’t going to do anyone any</p><p>favours. Communicate with kids and</p><p>family, and let them know that you</p><p>would like to do things a certain way,</p><p>which involves keeping costs down.</p><p>Maybe you do a Secret Santa so you</p><p>buy only one gift, or create homemade</p><p>vouchers for gifts of ‘time’, such as</p><p>doing the chores or giving amassage.</p><p>● Plan. There’s nothingmore stressful</p><p>than doing things last-minute. Talk to</p><p>your partner ahead of time about what</p><p>youwould like to do for Christmas, and</p><p>in turn let them share their thoughts.</p><p>Comeupwithaplan together, andensure</p><p>it includes spending time as a couple.</p><p>If you’re single right now, and</p><p>wishing otherwise, then it’s important</p><p>to have a positivemindset aroundwhat</p><p>the Christmas holidays can offer you.</p><p>The key is being proactive and not just</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>Heart RELATIONSHIPS</p><p>7 7Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>We don’t just write about change,</p><p>we make it happen. Whether we’re</p><p>talking to the biggest stars or telling</p><p>the stories of people navigating the</p><p>broken housing market – we’re doing</p><p>it in a way that tells you why it matters.</p><p>The Big Issue started as a magazine sold by people</p><p>experiencing homelessness on the street. Our background</p><p>is fi ghting poverty, and we’ve given thousands a hand up</p><p>by providing opportunities to earn a vital income.</p><p>Right now, our work is needed more than ever.</p><p>When you subscribe to Big Issue, all profi ts are</p><p>reinvested into our frontline teams, who work with</p><p>Big Issue vendors on a daily basis to give them the</p><p>support they need to earn an income.</p><p>Take advantage of our trial subscription</p><p>off er – your fi rst month for just £4!</p><p>You’ll receive weekly copies of Big Issue</p><p>magazine direct to your door.</p><p>Bigissue.com/PSYTRIAL</p><p>One month of the</p><p>Big Issue for just £4</p><p>https://bigissue.com/PSYTRIAL</p><p>7 9Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>IM</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>E</p><p>:S</p><p>H</p><p>U</p><p>T</p><p>T</p><p>E</p><p>R</p><p>S</p><p>T</p><p>O</p><p>C</p><p>K</p><p>Improve your physical wwellbeing with gentle activity,</p><p>better sleep, optimum nutrition and natural beauty</p><p>What have</p><p>you done</p><p>for yourself</p><p>recently? Can</p><p>you aim to do</p><p>something for</p><p>yourself every</p><p>day during the</p><p>festive period?</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>MINDFULWELLNESS</p><p>Psychologies Wellness Director – mindfulness guru and yoga</p><p>teacher Ali Roff Farrar – shares expert advice and inspiring</p><p>ideas to increase your holistic wellbeing</p><p>8 0 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>*</p><p>N</p><p>IC</p><p>O</p><p>LI</p><p>EN</p><p>C</p><p>.D</p><p>E</p><p>C</p><p>LE</p><p>R</p><p>C</p><p>Q</p><p>,M</p><p>YR</p><p>T</p><p>H</p><p>E</p><p>N</p><p>.F</p><p>R</p><p>IS</p><p>S</p><p>EN</p><p>,E</p><p>V</p><p>G</p><p>EN</p><p>IL</p><p>EV</p><p>IN</p><p>,M</p><p>A</p><p>R</p><p>K</p><p>D</p><p>AV</p><p>ID</p><p>S</p><p>,J</p><p>O</p><p>R</p><p>N</p><p>H</p><p>A</p><p>R</p><p>T</p><p>M</p><p>A</p><p>N</p><p>,A</p><p>N</p><p>D</p><p>R</p><p>EI</p><p>P</p><p>R</p><p>O</p><p>D</p><p>A</p><p>N</p><p>,H</p><p>IL</p><p>D</p><p>E</p><p>H</p><p>ER</p><p>R</p><p>EM</p><p>A</p><p>,A</p><p>LB</p><p>ER</p><p>T</p><p>K</p><p>.G</p><p>R</p><p>O</p><p>EN</p><p>,J</p><p>O</p><p>H</p><p>A</p><p>N</p><p>N</p><p>ES</p><p>A</p><p>.R</p><p>O</p><p>M</p><p>IJ</p><p>N</p><p>,M</p><p>A</p><p>X</p><p>N</p><p>IE</p><p>U</p><p>W</p><p>D</p><p>O</p><p>R</p><p>P,</p><p>‘T</p><p>H</p><p>E</p><p>EF</p><p>FE</p><p>C</p><p>T</p><p>O</p><p>F</p><p>H</p><p>AV</p><p>IN</p><p>G</p><p>C</p><p>H</p><p>R</p><p>IS</p><p>T</p><p>M</p><p>A</p><p>S</p><p>D</p><p>IN</p><p>N</p><p>ER</p><p>W</p><p>IT</p><p>H</p><p>IN</p><p>-L</p><p>AW</p><p>S</p><p>O</p><p>N</p><p>G</p><p>U</p><p>T</p><p>M</p><p>IC</p><p>R</p><p>O</p><p>B</p><p>IO</p><p>TA</p><p>C</p><p>O</p><p>M</p><p>P</p><p>O</p><p>S</p><p>IT</p><p>IO</p><p>N</p><p>’,H</p><p>U</p><p>M</p><p>A</p><p>N</p><p>M</p><p>IC</p><p>R</p><p>O</p><p>B</p><p>IO</p><p>M</p><p>E</p><p>JO</p><p>U</p><p>R</p><p>N</p><p>A</p><p>L,</p><p>V</p><p>O</p><p>LU</p><p>M</p><p>E</p><p>13</p><p>,2</p><p>0</p><p>19</p><p>Make Christmas mindful</p><p>Christmas can be a joyful time but, for some of us, a</p><p>heaving to-do list can turn the festive season into the</p><p>stressful season! If you enjoyed our 12 Days of Christmasss</p><p>Calm feature on page 30, here are a few extra</p><p>mindfulness-based tools to help you survive the season………</p><p>● Be kind to yourself. Remember, you’re allowed to</p><p>relax and enjoy it all, too. If you’re someone who spenddds a</p><p>lot of time making sure everyone else is having a magical</p><p>time, now’s the time to extend the same wishes towards</p><p>yourself. Pull on a cosy jumper, light some Christmas-scented</p><p>incense, and settle down in front of your favourite festttive film</p><p>● Notice the ‘glimmers’. If you find yourself experiencccing ppaaniccc ‘tttriggeerss’ aaroouunddd</p><p>Christmas expectations, for example not having enough time or money to buy presents,</p><p>make an effort to notice the little moments of cheer or wonder; your favourite festive</p><p>song on the radio, or some beautiful Christmas lights. Embrace the positives to find balance</p><p>i the ne atives and help regulate the nervous system.</p><p>● ‘ ’</p><p>Hard to</p><p>stomach?</p><p>A 2019 study*</p><p>found that those</p><p>who ate Christmas</p><p>dinner with their</p><p>in-laws experienced</p><p>a significant</p><p>decrease in all</p><p>Ruminococcus</p><p>species of gut</p><p>bacteria, known to</p><p>be associated with</p><p>psychological</p><p>stress and</p><p>depression,</p><p>consequently</p><p>having a negative</p><p>impact on gut</p><p>health (now there’s</p><p>an excuse to stay</p><p>at home we’ve</p><p>never used</p><p>before!). You</p><p>can increase</p><p>Ruminococcus</p><p>species of gut</p><p>bacteria by eating</p><p>‘resistant starch’</p><p>(lentils, beans and</p><p>oats are great),</p><p>taking a prebiotic,</p><p>or eating more</p><p>prebiotic sources,</p><p>such as bananas,</p><p>leeks and garlic.</p><p>MuseFrankincense incense,</p><p>£12,museincense.com</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>http://museincense.com</p><p>8 1Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>od WELLNESS</p><p>Eat well</p><p>IM</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>E</p><p>S</p><p>:S</p><p>H</p><p>U</p><p>T</p><p>T</p><p>E</p><p>R</p><p>S</p><p>T</p><p>O</p><p>C</p><p>K</p><p>,E</p><p>X</p><p>T</p><p>R</p><p>A</p><p>C</p><p>T</p><p>E</p><p>D</p><p>FR</p><p>O</p><p>M</p><p>YO</p><p>U</p><p>C</p><p>A</p><p>N</p><p>C</p><p>O</p><p>O</p><p>K</p><p>T</p><p>H</p><p>IS</p><p>!B</p><p>Y</p><p>M</p><p>A</p><p>X</p><p>L</p><p>A</p><p>M</p><p>A</p><p>N</p><p>N</p><p>A</p><p>Leftover-stuffing stuffedmushrooms</p><p>Theholidays are one of themostwasteful times of the year, and so this is a greatway to use upany</p><p>delicious</p><p>leftover stuffing.These stuffedmushroomsmake the ideal appetiser orfinger food to carry on the festivities</p><p>● 20 small chestnut mushrooms</p><p>● Zest and juice of 1 lemon</p><p>● 1 tbsp butter</p><p>● 1 small shallot, finely chopped</p><p>● 3 garlic cloves, finely chopped</p><p>● ¼ tsp dried thyme</p><p>● Small bunch of fresh parsley, leaves</p><p>and stems chopped separately,</p><p>plus more leaves to garnish</p><p>● 150g leftover stuffing</p><p>● 1 tbsp extra-virgin olive oil</p><p>● Salt and black pepper</p><p>1 Wipe the mushrooms clean with</p><p>kitchen paper. Remove the stems,</p><p>leaving the mushrooms with a hollow</p><p>centre. Roughly chop the stems</p><p>and set aside.</p><p>2 Preheat the oven to 200°C/180°C</p><p>fan/gas mark 6. In a frying pan over a</p><p>medium heat, dry fry half of the</p><p>mushroom caps, gills-side up, for</p><p>2 minutes. Add 1 tablespoon of lemon</p><p>juice and a generous pinch of black</p><p>pepper, and cook for 1–2 minutes,</p><p>stirring often but gently, so you don’t</p><p>break the caps. Transfer the caps to</p><p>a plate and repeat with the second</p><p>batch of mushrooms, also adding</p><p>them to the plate.</p><p>3 Melt the butter in the frying pan and</p><p>fry the shallot, garlic, dried thyme and</p><p>2 tablespoons of chopped parsley</p><p>stems for about 4 minutes, until soft.</p><p>Add the chopped mushroom stems</p><p>and the remaining lemon juice and</p><p>cook for about 5 minutes, stirring often.</p><p>4 Put the mushroom-stem mixture</p><p>into a food processor, add the parsley</p><p>leaves, and blitz to a purée. Tip the</p><p>mixture into a bowl and combine</p><p>with the leftover stuffing. Season</p><p>to taste with salt and black pepper.</p><p>5 Stuff the mushroom caps with</p><p>the filling and smooth over the tops.</p><p>Arrange the mushroom caps closely</p><p>together in a baking dish. Drizzle</p><p>over the extra-virgin olive oil and bake</p><p>for 10–15 minutes. These are best</p><p>served hot – to serve, garnish each</p><p>mushroom with</p><p>a little lemon</p><p>zest and a</p><p>parsley leaf.</p><p>Extracted from</p><p>YouCanCookThis!</p><p>byMaxLaManna</p><p>(Ebury, £22).</p><p>Photography by</p><p>LizzyMayson</p><p>Tip</p><p>Frythemushrooms</p><p>for justafewminutes</p><p>toreducemoisture</p><p>andpreventthem</p><p>fromgoingsoggy.</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>8 2 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>36%</p><p>of people are too</p><p>embarrassed to</p><p>admit they are lonely</p><p>atChristmas, and</p><p>aquarter of people</p><p>don’t feel able to</p><p>ask for help.But the</p><p>age groupmost</p><p>reluctant to admit</p><p>they feel aloneat</p><p>Christmas</p><p>is 18 to 24year olds</p><p>(45per cent),with</p><p>people aged65and</p><p>over least likely to feel</p><p>ashamed (29per</p><p>cent).Womenare</p><p>slightlymore likely</p><p>thanmen to say they</p><p>feel isolated during</p><p>the festive period</p><p>(evenwhen</p><p>surroundedby</p><p>family). If you’re</p><p>feeling lonely,</p><p>mind.org.uk is a vital</p><p>lifeline formany</p><p>people, offering</p><p>online resources and</p><p>a chat service.</p><p>3 ways to boost your</p><p>wellbeing this Christmas</p><p>1 Try carol singing. Group singing has been</p><p>found to scientifically decrease stress and boost</p><p>immunity.</p><p>2 Give out gifts. Studies have found that giving</p><p>loved ones gifts makes us happier than if we spent</p><p>the money on ourselves, and it lowers blood</p><p>pressure, too.</p><p>3 Get together with loved ones. Christmas</p><p>celebrations often lead to increased social</p><p>interactions and strengthened relationships, and</p><p>research has demonstrated that strong social</p><p>connections are associated with better health</p><p>and a longer lifespan.</p><p>Embrace winter</p><p>Scent of</p><p>the season</p><p>‘The holiday season is</p><p>a whirlwind of frantic</p><p>family fun, as we</p><p>scramble to decorate,</p><p>bake, and shop for</p><p>Christmas,’ says Mani</p><p>Norland from The</p><p>School of Health.</p><p>‘But amidst the joy,</p><p>anxiety often creeps</p><p>in. Natural remedies to</p><p>stress offer a lifeline</p><p>during this chaotic</p><p>time. Aromatherapy</p><p>with calming scents</p><p>such as lavender</p><p>and chamomile can</p><p>soothe frayed nerves.</p><p>Homeopathic</p><p>remedies such as</p><p>Argentum nitricum</p><p>(anticipatory anxiety),</p><p>Ignatia (grief, sadness</p><p>and over-sensitivity)</p><p>and Natrum</p><p>muriaticum (holding it</p><p>all together) are really</p><p>useful. And don’t</p><p>forget the Bach</p><p>Rescue Remedy!</p><p>Armed with these, you</p><p>can transform the</p><p>holiday frenzy into a</p><p>serene celebration.’</p><p>schoolofhealth.com</p><p>Light up your life!</p><p>If you’re someone who loves putting up your Christmas</p><p>lights, you’re not alone in feeling happier just at the sight</p><p>of them. Psychologists say they scientifically make us</p><p>happier, partly putting the rise in dopamine down to the</p><p>light itself bolstering your mood, but also attributing it</p><p>to the sense of nostalgia we feel, which in turn makes us</p><p>happy, helps us find more meaning in life, and boosts</p><p>our sense of social connection. Nostalgia is also an antidote</p><p>to collective angst (no cost-of-living chats around the fire</p><p>this Christmas, then!).</p><p>“I’ve learnedthatyoucantella lot</p><p>aboutapersonbythewayheorshe</p><p>handlesthesethreethings:arainy</p><p>day, lost luggage,andtangled</p><p>Christmastree lights”</p><p>MayaAngelou</p><p>Christmas lights froma selection</p><p>atLights4Fun, lights4fun.co.uk</p><p>Immunity booster</p><p>Sandalwood is a brilliant immunity-boosting</p><p>essential oil for massage, particularly for</p><p>strengthening the body through the winter.</p><p>It has a soft, sweet, earthy fragrance, which</p><p>can be reassuring in times of stress. This pure</p><p>oil from Tisserand is ethically sourced from</p><p>Australia. Blend into a carrier oil such as almond</p><p>oil and rub into tired muscles at the end of the</p><p>day in the winter months, to support your body.</p><p>TisserandAromatherapy SandalwoodPure Essential Oil,</p><p>£30, tisserand.com</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>http://mind.org.uk</p><p>http://schoolofhealth.com</p><p>http://lights4fun.co.uk</p><p>http://tisserand.com</p><p>Body WELLNESS</p><p>Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>Bit of a stretch</p><p>EXCUSES,</p><p>EXCUSES</p><p>As we roll along the run-up to</p><p>Christmas, I find there’s nothing</p><p>more prevalent than the feeling of</p><p>what this season should be about.</p><p>I should be excited, cheerful,</p><p>generous of spirit and wallet.</p><p>These things are possible as long</p><p>as the cup fromwhich I pour is</p><p>topped-up. But then there’s life and all its requirements,</p><p>all the stressors and hurdles and never-ever-ending</p><p>laundry. A full (or at least not empty) cup helps us operate</p><p>from a place of calm.</p><p>We all know that staying active helps you to ground into</p><p>your body, de-stress, boost yourmood, and help get into the</p><p>Christmas spirit. Forme, it’s also a valuable way tomanage</p><p>my naturally anxiousmind and regulatemy (nervous)</p><p>nervous system.However, young children are gifted</p><p>saboteurs of their parents’ self-care.While super-cute and</p><p>keen to haveme on hand for hugs and snacks, my toddler</p><p>couldn’t care less aboutmywellbeing. Something to dowith</p><p>empathy notmaterialising until age four. I’ve realised it’s</p><p>madness to think I could do an at-homeworkout or even a</p><p>one-minutemeditationwithout becoming a climbing frame.</p><p>While I appreciate the tenacity behind theNoExcuses!™</p><p>gymmindset, I think it’s at best unhelpful, and at worst,</p><p>wrong. There are plenty of legitimate reasons why exercise</p><p>might not be possible for someone at any given time.</p><p>Sometimes, exercise is just not an option, and I have to</p><p>find another way to achieve that nourishingmind-body</p><p>connection.Without it, I’m prone to lettingmy emotions</p><p>get the better ofme, becoming snappy, irritable, and a</p><p>generally worse version ofmyself. So here are a few tiny</p><p>things that help when I feel the stress levels rising and</p><p>I haven’t been able to release them through exercise…</p><p>Nose: breathe in and out, slowly. Jaw: unclench. Fists:</p><p>squeeze and release. Shoulders: raise and drop, roll</p><p>back. Gentlymassage the skin aroundmy eyebrows.</p><p>Thiss ten-second routine helps</p><p>me self-soothe and keep calm in the face</p><p>of chaos. I hope itmight do the same for you.</p><p>PS For those who are hardy enough not to baulk at the</p><p>cold-water thing, research shows that the diving reflex</p><p>lowers the heart rate and stress. But the best news? You can</p><p>trigger the reflex without hurling yourself into our baltic,</p><p>effluent-infusedwaterways, but by splashing cold water</p><p>in your face. Fridge-cold eggnog probably works, too.</p><p>HollywoodchildactressRachelHurd-Wood</p><p>swappedtheredcarpet forayogamat inher</p><p>newlifeasaPilates teacherandmumof two</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>8 4 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>8 5Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>l</p><p>e</p><p>,</p><p>Bod MOVEMENT</p><p>Savour this season of solitude and stillness, and</p><p>take a mindful moment, says Yasmina Floyer</p><p>Kelsey Publishing Ltd accepts no liability for products and services offered by third parties.</p><p>PRIVACY NOTICE: Kelsey Publishing Ltd uses a multilayered privacy notice, giving you brief details about how we would like to use your personal information. For full details, visit kelsey.co.uk, or call 01959 543524. If you have any questions, please ask, as submitting your details</p><p>indicates your consent, until you choose otherwise, that we and our partners may contact you about products and services that will be of relevance to you via direct mail, phone, email or SMS. You can opt out at ANY time via email: data.controller@kelsey.co.uk or 01959 543524.</p><p>Editor-in-Chief Sally Saunders</p><p>Chief Sub-Editor and Production Editor Karen Warren</p><p>In the Mood and The Words Editor Alex Lloyd</p><p>Wellness Editor Ali Roff-Farrar</p><p>Escapism Editor Yvonne Martin</p><p>Learn and Grow Editor Larissa Chapman</p><p>Art Editor Kirsty Craner, ATG Media</p><p>Social Media and Digital Content Producer Amy Mica Marsden</p><p>ADVERTISING & PRODUCTION</p><p>Production and Design Manager Neil Hepden</p><p>01732 446755; neil@talk-media.uk</p><p>Head of Investment Bonnie Howard,</p><p>01732 447008; bonnie@talk-media.uk</p><p>Investment Manager Kim Butler</p><p>01732 445678; kim@talk-media.uk</p><p>MANAGEMENT</p><p>Managing Director (Lifestyle) Oswin Grady</p><p>Retail Director Steve Brown</p><p>Operations Director Gill Lambert</p><p>Subscription Marketing Manager Nick McIntosh</p><p>Print Production Manager Georgina Harris</p><p>Print Production Controller Hayley Brown</p><p>SUBSCRIPTIONS</p><p>13 issues of Psychologies are published per annum</p><p>● UK annual subscription price: £100.62</p><p>● Europe annual subscription price: £126.62</p><p>● USA annual subscription price: £126.62</p><p>● Rest of World annual subscription price: £139.62</p><p>● UK subscription and back issue orderline: 01959 543747</p><p>● Overseas subscription orderline: 0044 (0)1959 543747</p><p>● Toll-free USA subscription orderline: 1 888 777 0275</p><p>● UK customer service team: 01959 543747; cs@kelsey.co.uk</p><p>Find subscription offers on our website:</p><p>shop.kelsey.co.uk/psy</p><p>Manage your subscription online</p><p>shop.kelsey.co.uk/site/loginForm</p><p>DISTRIBUTION</p><p>● Distribution in Great Britain: Seymour Distribution Limited,</p><p>2 East Poultry Avenue, London, EC1A 9PT;</p><p>020 7429 4000; seymour.co.uk</p><p>Distribution in Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland:</p><p>Newspread; 353 23 886 3850</p><p>● The information in ‘Psychologies’ is provided for entertainment</p><p>and should not supersede the advice of medical experts. You must</p><p>not rely on this magazine as an alternative to advice from your doctor</p><p>or other professional healthcare provider. If you think you may be</p><p>suffering from any medical condition, seek expert attention.</p><p>O U R T E A M</p><p>Psychologies Magazine is a registered trademark. Copyright ©2002</p><p>PSYCHOLOGIES FRANCE</p><p>Editor-in-Chief: Laurence Folléa</p><p>PSYCHOLOGIES ROMANIA Ringier Magazines, 6 Dimitri Pompeiu Street,</p><p>Bucharest. Tel: +40 212 03 08 00. Managing Director: Mihnea Vasiliu</p><p>(mihnea.vasiliu@ringier.ro) Editor-in-Chief: Iuliana Alexa (iuliana.alexa@ringier.ro)</p><p>Advertising Manager: Monica Pop (monica.pop@ringier.ro)</p><p>PSYCHOLOGIES BELGIUM Edition Ventures, Chaussée de Louvain 431D,</p><p>1830 Lasne. Tel: + 32 2 379 29 90 Editorial Director: Marie-Christine De</p><p>Wasseige (mc.dewasseige@ventures.be) Chief Editor (French): Christiane Thiry</p><p>(christiane.thiry@ventures.be) Chief Editor (Flemish): Barbara Van den Abeele</p><p>(b.vandenabeele@ventures.be) Advertising Manager: Manoëlle Sepulchre (manoelle.</p><p>sepulchre@ventures.be)</p><p>G L O B A L E D I T I O N S</p><p>The advice starts</p><p>RIGHTHERE!</p><p>Groupe Psychologies, 2-8 rue Gaston-Rébuffat, 75019 Paris, France. Tel: 01 44 65 58 00</p><p>Psychologies’ mission is to provide you with inspiration and advice to</p><p>support you to improve your emotional wellbeing. We aim to help you</p><p>boost your happiness and resilience and lower your stress and anxiety.</p><p>We do this by providing simple, achievable steps to make small changes</p><p>that can add up to a real difference.</p><p>Embracing the four pillars of your life, from mind and body to heart</p><p>and soul, Psychologies engages with the world around us as well as the</p><p>world within to help you discover inspiring ways to make every day better</p><p>and create a life you love.</p><p>Ourmission</p><p>‘Christmas rituals giveusa sense of</p><p>predictability,which in turnbrings comfort</p><p>in a chaoticworld,’ says psychologist</p><p>DrAudreyTang.Butmore than that</p><p>is the element of nostalgia: ‘Nostalgia</p><p>connects uswith experienceswehave loved</p><p>in thepast, generatingabevy of positive</p><p>emotional states.’ Learnmore onpage22.</p><p>GINA MOFFA</p><p>‘Grief in joy is bittersweet,’ explains authorand</p><p>psychotherapist GinaMoffa, on experiencing</p><p>loss atChristmastime.But there’s somuchpower</p><p>in realising that youdon’t have to dowhat you’ve</p><p>alwaysdone.Findoutways tonavigate theseason</p><p>innewways, andfind light in loss, onpage62.</p><p>DR ALISON MCCLYMONT</p><p>‘Getting outdoors, particularly in the</p><p>daylight hours ofwintermonths, directly</p><p>combats seasonal depression,’ says</p><p>psychologistDrAlisonMcClymont.</p><p>Discover the benefits of awinterwalk</p><p>formindandbody, andhowyou can really</p><p>savour the season, onpage84.</p><p>DR AUDREY TANG</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>mailto:letters@psychologies.co.uk</p><p>http://kelsey.co.uk</p><p>mailto:data.controller@kelsey.co.uk</p><p>mailto:neil@talk-media.uk</p><p>mailto:bonnie@talk-media.uk</p><p>mailto:kim@talk-media.uk</p><p>mailto:cs@kelsey.co.uk</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/psy</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/site/loginForm</p><p>http://seymour.co.uk</p><p>mailto:mihnea.vasiliu@ringier.ro</p><p>mailto:iuliana.alexa@ringier.ro</p><p>mailto:monica.pop@ringier.ro</p><p>mailto:mc.dewasseige@ventures.be</p><p>mailto:christiane.thiry@ventures.be</p><p>mailto:b.vandenabeele@ventures.be</p><p>mailto:manoelle.sepulchre@ventures.be</p><p>mailto:manoelle.sepulchre@ventures.be</p><p>7</p><p>In the mood GOOD NEWS</p><p>Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>Thought-provoking culture, insightful science and inspirational snippets</p><p>to bring you up to date on all things uplifting, hopeful and happy-making</p><p>COMPILEDBYALEXLLOYD</p><p>IM</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>E</p><p>S</p><p>:S</p><p>H</p><p>U</p><p>T</p><p>T</p><p>E</p><p>R</p><p>S</p><p>T</p><p>O</p><p>C</p><p>K</p><p>Deck</p><p>thehalls!</p><p>While late decorators</p><p>may scoff at those who</p><p>put up their trees on</p><p>1 December or sooner,</p><p>this increasingly common</p><p>trend for early trimming</p><p>can make you feel happier.</p><p>Psychologists say it’s</p><p>because baubles and fairy</p><p>lights reconnect you with</p><p>your inner child, creating</p><p>anticipation, reminding</p><p>you of a simpler time, and</p><p>extending the excitement</p><p>of the season.</p><p>Don’t forget to share</p><p>the joy with others, too;</p><p>research in the Journal</p><p>Of Environmental</p><p>Psychology found that</p><p>people who decorate</p><p>the outside of their</p><p>houses are perceived</p><p>as friendlier than their</p><p>neighbours who don’t.</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>8 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>Genes for greens?</p><p>Do you prefer eating nut roast</p><p>to the traditional Christmas</p><p>turkey dinner? Being a veggie</p><p>could be in your DNA.</p><p>Scientists from Northwestern</p><p>University have identified 34</p><p>genes that could predispose</p><p>carriers to sticking to a</p><p>meat-free diet, making it more</p><p>than just a matter of willpower.</p><p>The research study, which</p><p>compared the genetic make-up</p><p>of around 330,000 people aged</p><p>40–59 from the UK Biobank,</p><p>also picked up three genes in</p><p>particular that are found more</p><p>commonly in vegetarians.</p><p>David</p><p>Attenborough is</p><p>the nation’s most</p><p>wanted Christmas</p><p>dinner guest,</p><p>followed by</p><p>Barack Obama,</p><p>Ant and Dec,</p><p>Jeremy Clarkson</p><p>and Adele,</p><p>a survey by</p><p>Chef & Brewer</p><p>Collection found.</p><p>A quarter of middle-aged British</p><p>women are ‘fit but fat’, experts say.</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>9Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>In the mood GOOD NEWS</p><p>WATCH, LOOK, LISTEN</p><p>WATCH Wonka.</p><p>Timothée Chalamet</p><p>stars in this story of</p><p>how Roald Dahl’s</p><p>fictional confectioner became</p><p>a chocolate-making magician.</p><p>In cinemas 8 December.</p><p>LOOK Japan: Myths</p><p>to Manga, at the newly</p><p>reopened Young V&A</p><p>in London, explores</p><p>how folklore and landscape have</p><p>influenced art and technology.</p><p>Until 8 September 2024.</p><p>LISTEN Tis The</p><p>Podcast keeps the</p><p>Christmas spirit alive</p><p>year round, as the</p><p>Yuletide-loving presenters</p><p>discuss their favourite festive</p><p>movies and TV shows.</p><p>“If I put my head on the pillow each night and know I haven’t done anything</p><p>massively stupid or upset anybody, and everybody has got a roof</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>8 6 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>Clare is among eight per cent of sufferers to</p><p>experience acute symptoms of winter depression.</p><p>Dr AlisonMcClymont explains: ‘Seasonal</p><p>depression, or SAD, is a form of depression that</p><p>occurs during wintermonths, or, specifically, in</p><p>periods of time inwhich the body is starved</p><p>of sunlight. Hence, it has come to be</p><p>termed as “the winter blues” as,</p><p>at this time of year, people often</p><p>find themselves waking up and</p><p>coming home in the dark. This</p><p>lack of exposure to vitamin</p><p>D can reduce serotonin levels</p><p>and leave the sufferer feeling</p><p>depleted in energy and</p><p>“happy hormones”.’</p><p>I finished Clare’s book by</p><p>candlelight late into the night,</p><p>and immediately promised</p><p>myself that I would henceforth</p><p>turn towards the winter, rather</p><p>than running away from it.Walks</p><p>are known to be a deeplymeditative</p><p>practice, and I enjoy the consistency</p><p>of quotidian commitment, so Imade the</p><p>decision to embrace the season via a daily</p><p>December walk (even though the very last place</p><p>I want to be at this time of year is outside!).</p><p>‘Getting outdoors, particularly in the daylight</p><p>hours of wintermonths, directly combats this</p><p>form of depression, as it replenishes vitaminD</p><p>through sunlight exposure, evenwhen it’s</p><p>not actually sunny,’ DrMcClymont tellsme.</p><p>‘Exposure to daylight also helps to regulate our</p><p>circadian rhythms, which in turn aids healthy</p><p>sleep-wake cycles.When our circadian rhythms</p><p>are in sync, we have increased energy, increased</p><p>cognitive capacity, improvedmetabolism, and an</p><p>overall feeling of wellbeing.’</p><p>As I walked on those December days, and</p><p>without the distraction of other voices, I found</p><p>my thoughts unfurling, expanding beforeme like</p><p>cold breath becoming cloud.Without pulsing</p><p>baselines fillingmy ears, beating flat the nuance</p><p>within the landscape, my eyes could truly take</p><p>notice of what was in front ofme.</p><p>I tried to takemywalks in themorning, inmy</p><p>local park, a stone’s throw frommy house.While</p><p>the summer sun is a hot white glare, a cacophony</p><p>“Darkness encourages introspection, and my mind</p><p>had space to meander like the river beside me”</p><p>Elevate a</p><p>winter walk to a</p><p>mindful meander…</p><p>1 Ensure your walk lasts for at least</p><p>30 minutes.</p><p>2 Try to walk every day, come rain or shine,</p><p>circumstances permitting.</p><p>3 Leave your phone at home so you’re</p><p>not tempted to make a call, lose yourself</p><p>in a podcast, or listen to music.</p><p>4 Walk alone.</p><p>5 Walk solely for walking’s sake</p><p>(striding out on the school run or</p><p>nipping to the shops</p><p>doesn’t count!).</p><p>of freneticmotion, I discovered the stillness of</p><p>wintermornings: tree branches like bone-dry</p><p>lungs standing sentry. Thewinter sun hanging</p><p>low, composed, a perfect orange disc, it’s</p><p>companion themoon, ghosting the daytime</p><p>sky, waxing andwaning in broad daylight.</p><p>With a pathway carpeted by slippery umber</p><p>mulch, I was forced to slowmy usual expeditious</p><p>pace. This, in turn, slowedmy breathing: inhaling</p><p>cool, thin air; exhaling warm, visible breath.</p><p>Herons scored the sky, legs trailing like the ribbon</p><p>of a kite. Yew trees studdedwith red berries lined</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>8 7</p><p>Body MOVEMENT</p><p>Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>The art of savouring has amultitude of benefits</p><p>that counter anxious thoughts and feelings that</p><p>can creep in during the coldermonths. Health</p><p>psychologist Dr SulaWindgassen speaks tome</p><p>about intentionally seeking out thosemoments</p><p>of pleasure and comfort that are often filtered out</p><p>by our threat-focused, problem-solving brains:</p><p>‘Evolutionarily, there was little benefit in focusing</p><p>onwhat felt good inorder toensure survival. Itmade</p><p>more sense to be aware of scarcity or predatory</p><p>threats. Inmodern day life, that canmeanwe</p><p>are overwhelmedwith all the things wemust do,</p><p>should do or could do, whilst having little time to</p><p>really enjoywhatwehave. A practice of “savouring”</p><p>can open up a treasure trove of beautiful small</p><p>moments of serenity and enjoyment that wemight</p><p>otherwisemiss, helping our brain and nervous</p><p>systemto recalibrate frombeing focusedon threat.’</p><p>The ripple effect of learning to savourmy</p><p>winter walks was how Iwas increasingly able</p><p>to suspend the stress of a difficult day when a</p><p>moment of comfort or wonder appeared. Being</p><p>a reformed perfectionist, like a drop of coffee</p><p>sullying a glass ofmilk, I would often allow one</p><p>thing going wrong to taintmy enjoyment of</p><p>an otherwise good time, so I well understand</p><p>the difficulties that comewith being present</p><p>in themoment. ‘One of the sticking points of</p><p>mindfulness practice is how hard it is to escort</p><p>your attention to the present over and again,</p><p>particularly if the present is hard,’ DrWindgassen</p><p>explains. ‘Savouring, therefore, opens up the</p><p>avenue of reaping the rewards ofmindfulness, by</p><p>placing the invitation to focus on the pleasurable,</p><p>comfortable or enjoyablemoments. It can help</p><p>us detach from ruminative thought spirals, to be</p><p>more experientially aware of other things that are</p><p>nourishing to attend to in the present. From this</p><p>place, people often find that increased savouring</p><p>lends itself to an increased intention to nourish</p><p>oneself and practice self-care.’</p><p>Now, with another December upon us, I findmy</p><p>feelings towards winter have shifted considerably,</p><p>andwhilst I still find this season challenging, I am</p><p>no longer willing it away. TheWinter Solstice,</p><p>around 21 December, marks the shortest day</p><p>in the year. The sun dips below the horizon</p><p>swallowed by the earth like a seed – not dead but</p><p>dormant – and, like a seed, it emerges three days</p><p>later, reborn. This is a time of rest and reflection,</p><p>of harnessing the power of stillness. It is a fallow</p><p>period.We eat the light where we can’t see it</p><p>– jamsmade from fruits of the summer; soups</p><p>made of seasonal vegetables. At this time of year,</p><p>my daily walks helpme to focus on letting the</p><p>dark in, embracing it rather than resisting it,</p><p>accepting that there is healing in turning inwards.</p><p>the river that carved though the park, the</p><p>water a perfectmirror of the land. Darkness</p><p>encourages introspection, and, suddenly,</p><p>mymind had space tomeander like the</p><p>river besideme. On the black spindles</p><p>of the wrought-iron rails skirting the</p><p>edge of the park, spiders’ webs were thrown</p><p>into relief by icy frost. One particular</p><p>morning, I stopped to pause and admire</p><p>one, and could not get over its fragility,</p><p>its strength. Allowingmyself to sit with</p><p>this awe felt like healing.</p><p>Wishing time away involves constantly</p><p>looking beyond the presentmoment towards</p><p>a point in the future.Whilst winter is still</p><p>difficult, and to a degree, endurance is a</p><p>quality thatmarks out the way that humans</p><p>have been able to survive this season, for</p><p>once – throughmy daily walking practice –</p><p>I foundmyself beginning to savour it.</p><p>Expert</p><p>advice</p><p>DrAlisonMcClymont</p><p>is theUK’s leading</p><p>childpsychologist.</p><p>Shehasbeenat the</p><p>forefrontof children’s</p><p>mentalhealth for</p><p>more thanadecade.</p><p>dralison</p><p>mcclymont.com</p><p>DrSulaWindgassen</p><p>isahealth</p><p>psychologistand</p><p>psychotherapist.She</p><p>specialises inworking</p><p>withpeoplewitha</p><p>rangeofhealthand</p><p>mentalhealth</p><p>conditions,usinga</p><p>biopsychosocial</p><p>approach.Her</p><p>clinicalworkand</p><p>publishedresearch</p><p>explorehow</p><p>psychological</p><p>approachescan</p><p>improvephysical</p><p>symptomexperience.</p><p>Herreflective</p><p>newsletter coversall</p><p>thingsmindandbody</p><p>andcanbe foundvia</p><p>herInstagram</p><p>@the_health_</p><p>psychologist_</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>http://mcclymont.com</p><p>https://www.instagram.com/the_health_psychologist</p><p>ADVERTISING</p><p>DOESN’T COST</p><p>IT PAYS!</p><p>CALL BONNIE</p><p>ON</p><p>01732447008</p><p>www.careersoshelp.com</p><p>• Facing a career crossroads and</p><p>want clarity?</p><p>• Overwhelmed by your workload?</p><p>• Limiting beliefs holding you back?</p><p>• Difficult people or situations</p><p>affecting your confidence?</p><p>• Want to improve your porfessional</p><p>skills?</p><p>Gift yourself the help you need and make 2024 the best ever</p><p>Zoom/Teams 1-2-1 coaching sessions</p><p>Book a “Let’s Talk” consultation and find out exactly</p><p>how I can help you:</p><p>www.careersoshelp.com/book-online</p><p>Weekday and Evening Appointments</p><p>life changing career coaching with Michelle Tranter</p><p>http://www.careersoshelp.com</p><p>http://www.careersoshelp.com/book-online</p><p>8 9Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>IM</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>E</p><p>:S</p><p>H</p><p>U</p><p>T</p><p>T</p><p>E</p><p>R</p><p>S</p><p>T</p><p>O</p><p>C</p><p>K</p><p>Discover ways to make your soul sing… wit creaattivity, nature,</p><p>finding your purpos in life and at work, tr veell and spirituality</p><p>Howdo you</p><p>want to feel at</p><p>the end of the</p><p>Christmas</p><p>period?What</p><p>can you do to</p><p>help yourself</p><p>in this way?</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>9 0 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>Expert</p><p>advice</p><p>DrAlisonMcClymont</p><p>is theUK’s leading</p><p>childpsychologist.</p><p>Shehasbeenat the</p><p>forefrontof children’s</p><p>mentalhealth</p><p>formore thana</p><p>decade.dralison</p><p>mcclymont.com</p><p>’Twasthenight</p><p>beforeChristmas…</p><p>IM</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>E</p><p>S</p><p>:S</p><p>H</p><p>U</p><p>T</p><p>T</p><p>E</p><p>R</p><p>S</p><p>T</p><p>O</p><p>C</p><p>K</p><p>t</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>http://mcclymont.com</p><p>Soul BELIEF</p><p>9 1Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>9 2 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>“Santa is the ultimate symbol of looking for the</p><p>magic within our everyday human existence”</p><p>I love this time of year, I always have. As an</p><p>adult withmy own family, I relish the day the</p><p>tree goes up, the scent of pine infusing the house</p><p>with nostalgia. I handmademy children’s</p><p>stockings, and I stay up late into the night on</p><p>Christmas Eve filling themwith treats. The</p><p>following day, I prepare a roast asWham! and</p><p>Mariah Carey keepme company in the kitchen.</p><p>But perhaps what youmight not expect is that</p><p>this is all fairly new tome. I grew up in aMuslim</p><p>household, so as a family, we didn’t celebrate</p><p>Christmas – although as I grew older, I strung</p><p>tinsel along the shelves inmy bedroom, displayed</p><p>my cards, and exchanged gifts with friends.</p><p>Yet whilst I have happily embracedmany of the</p><p>trimmings and trappings of Yuletide, Santa has</p><p>beenmore difficult forme. I had no frame of</p><p>reference frommy own childhoodwith which to</p><p>navigate the journey between believing in Santa</p><p>to realising he doesn’t exist, and I felt discomfort</p><p>towards the idea of perpetuating his existence</p><p>when it came tomy own children. I knew hewasn’t</p><p>real when I was a child, but still I felt uneasy about</p><p>messaging presented in festive books andmovies</p><p>– and relayed by some of the adults aroundme –</p><p>that being very good andwishing very hardwould</p><p>result in Santa Claus bringing you the present</p><p>that youwanted. Growing up on a council estate</p><p>openedmy eyes to the fact that perceived goodness</p><p>doesn’t equate to beingmaterially rewarded; that</p><p>the notion of being deserving and of being in receipt</p><p>of gifts are, in fact, mutually exclusive.</p><p>And, as an adult, the idea that Santa would take</p><p>the credit for buyingmy children’s gifts did not sit</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>9 3</p><p>Soul BELIEF</p><p>Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>well withme. If we couldn’t get them something</p><p>they asked for, I didn’t want them thinking it was</p><p>because they didn’t wish hard enough – that they</p><p>weren’t good enough.</p><p>Child psychologist Dr AlisonMcClymont speaks</p><p>tome about the appeal of theman in the big, red</p><p>suit: ‘Of course wewant to believe in Santa; he</p><p>holds somuch positivemessaging and energy in</p><p>his symbolism. So even if we know he isn’t real,</p><p>hismessage is: be grateful, be positive. Santa is</p><p>the ultimate symbol of looking for themagic</p><p>within our everyday human existence; he brings</p><p>presents, he spreads joy, he reminds us to celebrate</p><p>our families and find happiness and gratitude</p><p>within our life. He is a positivemessage for</p><p>children and adults alike. He also reminds adults</p><p>of the carefree fun andmagic of childhood.’</p><p>Other, no doubt well-</p><p>meaning parents have</p><p>shared beautiful anecdotes</p><p>ofmagic andwonderment</p><p>experienced by their little ones</p><p>who do believe in Santa: their</p><p>delight in finding a gift under the tree from</p><p>him, themince pie eaten, a carrot chomped.</p><p>Whenever I have beenmet with comments of</p><p>concern from those whoworry thatmy children</p><p>have been denied something of themagic of</p><p>Christmas, I assure them that this time of year</p><p>continues to holdmuchwonder andmagic for us.</p><p>My children know that their gifts have not been</p><p>brought by Santa, yet they still leave out amince</p><p>pie on Christmas Eve. They know I’ll eat the pie.</p><p>They do this because they enjoy connecting to an</p><p>act they knowwill be taking place in households</p><p>across the country, and that this act is rooted</p><p>in offering gratitude. Leaving a votive as an</p><p>expression of gratitude is so ingrained in human</p><p>history that iterations of this practice can be</p><p>traced back to the ancient times.We continue to</p><p>see offerings of food and flowers left in temples</p><p>and sacred spaces – for example, the Day of</p><p>the Dead festival celebrated inMexico on the</p><p>2November involves offering food at an altar</p><p>dedicated to deceased relatives, keeping their</p><p>memory and spirit alive.</p><p>As I think about it now, it doesn’t somuch</p><p>matter whether the figure of Father Christmas is</p><p>real or not, since we often form imaginary beliefs</p><p>based on the stories we are told, many of which</p><p>are based on archetypes. ‘These archetypes are</p><p>any narrative element that appears again and</p><p>again in stories from cultures around the world,</p><p>and symbolises something universal in the human</p><p>experience.Many of these stories carry amagical</p><p>element, as they hold the archetypal feelings of</p><p>hope, retribution, new beginnings, light, and</p><p>rebirth,’ DrMcClymont explains.</p><p>‘We don’t need Santa to be real anymore than</p><p>we need Cinderella to be real or the littlemermaid</p><p>–we just need awonderfulmetaphorical container</p><p>for the idea of Christmas and gift giving. Santa’s</p><p>magic is a symbolic reminder to take stock at the</p><p>end of the year; of all the things you are grateful</p><p>for, and all themagical blessings you have in your</p><p>life.We don’t need to believe he rides a sleigh to</p><p>think that what he represents is worthwhile.’</p><p>My two are nowwell past the stage of asking</p><p>me questions about Santa’s flight plan, how he</p><p>gets down the chimney, andwhether he lives in</p><p>theNorth Pole, Lapland or a city in England a la</p><p>Raymond Briggs. But what they do askme, with</p><p>a cheeky grin on their faces, is whichmince pies</p><p>‘he’ would like on Christmas Eve.</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>9 4 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>‘The best way to spread</p><p>Christmas cheer is to</p><p>sing loud for all to hear,’</p><p>proclaims Will Ferrell’s</p><p>character Buddy in the 2003 film</p><p>Elf. Whether it’s belting out Mariah</p><p>Carey’s All IWant For Christmas Is</p><p>You at a party, joining a pub singalong,</p><p>or singing carols in your local church,</p><p>we often seek out opportunities to</p><p>sing together at Christmas more</p><p>readily than at other times of the</p><p>year. It helps us to celebrate the</p><p>festive season, to connect with those</p><p>In this month’s column, musician James Sills explores the songs we sing</p><p>at Christmas, and how they help us to connect with our past and present</p><p>SINGFORYOURLIFE!</p><p>around us and – importantly –</p><p>to reconnect with our past, both</p><p>collllectively and individually.</p><p>As I think back to my childhood,</p><p>somme of my strongest musical</p><p>memories were made at Christmas.</p><p>I remember the warm glow of a</p><p>candlelit church for the annual</p><p>Chhristingle service, singing alongside</p><p>fammily and friends from my illage.</p><p>I recall playing my trombone in</p><p>a brass band, accompanying</p><p>carol singers, with</p><p>the strains of OLittle</p><p>Toown of Bethlehem and</p><p>OComeAll Ye Faithful</p><p>echhoing down the streets</p><p>and into the night. And then,</p><p>on Christmas Day itself, watchi</p><p>the festive edition of Top of the</p><p>Pops, with me and my sister joining</p><p>in at the top of our voices. he</p><p>feelings I associate with these</p><p>memories could be described as</p><p>hygge – the Danish term meaning</p><p>warmth and cosiness, being</p><p>surrounded by friends and family.</p><p>Christmas can also be a time for</p><p>self-reflection. It’s an oppo tunity</p><p>for us to stop for a while, observe the</p><p>passing of time, and look back on</p><p>SOMMMMEWHERRRRE</p><p>IN MY MEMORY…</p><p>the year: ‘So this is Christmas,</p><p>and what have you done?’ asks John</p><p>Lennon in Happy Xmas (War Is Over).</p><p>Many Christmas songs are tinged</p><p>with a deep sense of melancholy,</p><p>reminding us that the festive season</p><p>is not all jingle bells and fa-la-la-la-las.</p><p>Songs ch as Chris R a’s DrivingH me</p><p>Look out for the Big Christmas Singalongs from The Choir With No Name, taking place across the UK during</p><p>December. The Choir With No Name is a charity that runs choirs for</p><p>people affected by homelessness,</p><p>and its festive concerts are always full of joy. Find out more and get involved at choirwithnoname.org</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>http://choirwithnoname.org</p><p>9 5Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>IM</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>E</p><p>S</p><p>:S</p><p>H</p><p>U</p><p>T</p><p>T</p><p>E</p><p>R</p><p>S</p><p>T</p><p>O</p><p>C</p><p>K</p><p>James Sills is the author of Do Sing (The Do Book Co, £8.99), and founder</p><p>of The Sofa Singers; thesofasingers.com. Find out more about James</p><p>at james-sills.com, or follow him on social media @jsillsmusic</p><p>For Christmas and Judy Garland’s</p><p>Have Yourself aMerry Little Christmas</p><p>represent a form of nostalgic yearning</p><p>that could be best described as hiraeth.</p><p>This is a word from theWelsh language</p><p>that can’t be directly translated</p><p>into English, but represents a kind</p><p>of homesickness and longing for</p><p>days gone by.</p><p>As we know, reconnecting with</p><p>suchmemories and songs can be</p><p>incredibly powerful. In his brilliant</p><p>bookThis Is Your Brain OnMusic</p><p>(Penguin, £10.99), musician and</p><p>neurologist Daniel Levitin explains:</p><p>‘A song playing comprises a very</p><p>specific and vivid set ofmemory</p><p>cues. Themusic that you have listened</p><p>to at various times of your life is</p><p>cross-codedwith the events of those</p><p>tim s. That is, the usic is lin d to</p><p>JoinSingWith</p><p>Psychologies forFREE</p><p>onFriday 15December</p><p>at 1pm.Signupat</p><p>https://bit.ly/3sgxkd8</p><p>The BBC Radio 4 series and</p><p>podcast Soul Music is a</p><p>favourite of mine, and I’d</p><p>really recommend it if you’re</p><p>interested in exploring the</p><p>emotional impact that songs</p><p>and music can have. There</p><p>are more than 100 episodes</p><p>available to stream for free</p><p>at bbc.co.uk, or find them on</p><p>any podcast platform.</p><p>these feelings by singing a song or</p><p>two. As speaker Emory Austin once</p><p>said, ‘Some days there won’t be a</p><p>song in your heart. Sing anyway.’</p><p>We know that in terms of</p><p>harnessing the benefits of singing,</p><p>doing it on our own is good – but doing</p><p>it with others is even better.With</p><p>that inmind, you are warmly invited</p><p>to joinme for the festive edition of</p><p>SingWith Psychologies, taking place</p><p>online on Friday 15 December.We’ll</p><p>be singing Last Christmas byWham!</p><p>and Christmas jumpers are strongly</p><p>encouraged! See below for the full</p><p>booking details.</p><p>May I wish all of the readers of</p><p>my column aMerry Christmas and</p><p>a peaceful NewYear. See you in 2024.</p><p>And, remember: singing is for life,</p><p>not just for Christ as!</p><p>events of the time, and those events</p><p>are linked to themusic.’</p><p>Songs are indeed the soundtrack</p><p>to our lives. And sowhether you</p><p>are feeling celebratory, reflective,</p><p>nostalgic ormelancholy this festive</p><p>season, I encourage you t embrace</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>http://thesofasingers.com</p><p>https://bit.ly/3sgxkd8</p><p>http://bbc.co.uk</p><p>http://james-sills.com/</p><p>https://www.instagram.com/jsillsmusic</p><p>9 6 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>We’rewithCSLewis,whosaid, ‘Youcanneverget</p><p>acupof tea largeenoughorabook longenough</p><p>tosuitme.’AlexLloydprovides the inspiration…</p><p>OneWinADay</p><p>byCharlotteGreedy</p><p>(Bantam, £16.99)</p><p>Charlotte Greedy is here to help, with 365 acts</p><p>of self-care to bring you fulfilment and a sense</p><p>of achievement, and to put a sparkle into every day.</p><p>Some of the usual suspects are here – such as breathing and</p><p>stretching – but there are plenty of leftfield suggestions, too, like</p><p>making an effort with an ‘almost friend’, building a healthy treats</p><p>stash, and cleaning your plants.</p><p>This motivational workbook also has monthly projects on topics</p><p>of your choosing, and weeks with themes, such as ‘heroes’. It’s the</p><p>perfect motivation to make your new year a truly happy one. AL</p><p>Book</p><p>ofthe</p><p>month</p><p>Don’tTextYourExHappy</p><p>BirthdaybyNickViall</p><p>(Abrams, £11.99)</p><p>Nick Viall doesn’t claim to be a</p><p>relationship expert. But as a former</p><p>star of US TV show The Bachelor, and</p><p>host of award-winning podcast The</p><p>Viall Files, he understands a thing or</p><p>two about love, sex, and dating.</p><p>Now, he’s sharing his wisdom,</p><p>often learned through experience,</p><p>about how to spot players, refine</p><p>your ‘partner picker’, and be honest</p><p>about when your romance is actually</p><p>a ‘situationship’.</p><p>Viall comes across as the wise,</p><p>well-adjusted mate</p><p>who only has your</p><p>best interests at</p><p>heart. His words will</p><p>help you understand</p><p>your worth and why</p><p>you should settle for</p><p>nothing less than</p><p>you deserve. AL</p><p>MyLife IsArt</p><p>by Emmanuel Jal</p><p>(Watkins, £18.99,</p><p>out 5 December)</p><p>One of the biggest questions we’re</p><p>facing in the world today is, ‘How do</p><p>I live with more purpose?’ So how do</p><p>we make a real difference – to others,</p><p>and to ourselves? Someone with a</p><p>unique perspective on that challenge</p><p>is activist, author and artist Emmanuel</p><p>Jal. Growing up in South Sudan, he</p><p>witnessed atrocities against those he</p><p>loved, which drove him to become a</p><p>child soldier. But rather than descend</p><p>into horror, he developed a positive</p><p>outlook and</p><p>actionable</p><p>framework for life,</p><p>made up of 11 pillars</p><p>forming the acronym</p><p>My Life is Art, which</p><p>he shares in this</p><p>book. An inspiring</p><p>read. SS</p><p>WatchYourLanguage</p><p>byRobKendall</p><p>(Watkins, £12.99,</p><p>out 5 December)</p><p>Often during the festive season we</p><p>spend time with family and friends</p><p>who we love dearly but may not</p><p>always see eye to eye with – and</p><p>we all know the strain that can put</p><p>on relationships.</p><p>If you come out the other side of this</p><p>time feeling battered and bruised, this</p><p>book could be your lifeline. It charts</p><p>more than 20 difficult conversations,</p><p>and focuses on the problems that can</p><p>arise as a result,</p><p>explaining why</p><p>these issues often</p><p>appear in certain</p><p>scenarios, and</p><p>providing alternate</p><p>courses of action.</p><p>An easy-to-read,</p><p>non-sugar-coated</p><p>guide. SS</p><p>W</p><p>O</p><p>R</p><p>D</p><p>S</p><p>:A</p><p>L</p><p>E</p><p>X</p><p>L</p><p>LO</p><p>Y</p><p>D</p><p>,S</p><p>A</p><p>L</p><p>LY</p><p>S</p><p>A</p><p>U</p><p>N</p><p>D</p><p>E</p><p>R</p><p>S</p><p>IM</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>E</p><p>:S</p><p>H</p><p>U</p><p>T</p><p>T</p><p>E</p><p>R</p><p>S</p><p>T</p><p>O</p><p>C</p><p>K</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>Missed an issue?</p><p>COMPLETE YOUR COLLECTION</p><p>Call the hotline 01959 543 747 *</p><p>Visit shop.kelsey.co.uk/PYBACK</p><p>JANUARY 2023</p><p>Have your best year yet, give your</p><p>career a restart, and discover how</p><p>big changes start with small steps</p><p>FEBRUARY 2023</p><p>Why it’s okay to express your anger,</p><p>the mental-health benefits of exercise,</p><p>and how to learn to love yourself</p><p>MARCH 2023</p><p>Enrich your life and make the most of</p><p>every minute, start the day the right</p><p>way, and learn to let go of regret</p><p>APRIL 2023</p><p>Uncover meaning and renew your</p><p>motivation for life, find your voice,</p><p>and learn the joy of self-care</p><p>AUGUST 2023</p><p>Seize the day everyday, channel a</p><p>more positive inner dialogue, and</p><p>let go of past resentments</p><p>DECEMBER 2023</p><p>Break free from comparison, and</p><p>discover self-care secrets to help</p><p>you survive and thrive the season</p><p>MAY 2023</p><p>Take control of worries with our</p><p>expert anxiety-busting advice,</p><p>plus discover the joy in creativity</p><p>SEPTEMBER 2023</p><p>Discover the power of rest, rekindle</p><p>your relationship, and find the</p><p>courage to invite in change</p><p>JUNE 2023</p><p>Send your energy levels soaring,</p><p>discover the power of touch, and give</p><p>your mind a workout as you walk</p><p>OCTOBER 2023</p><p>Ditch anxiety, embrace new</p><p>beginnings, and learn what your</p><p>hunger is really telling you</p><p>JULY 2023</p><p>How to become mentally robust, the</p><p>lowdown on ultra-processed foods,</p><p>and why sensitivity is a superpower</p><p>NOVEMBER 2023</p><p>Supercharge your self-worth, achieve</p><p>your ambitions, and approach the</p><p>menopause with a calm mindset</p><p>*Hotline open Mon – Fri 8.30am to 5.30pm. Calls charged at your standard network rate</p><p>ORDER</p><p>TODAY!</p><p>or</p><p>scan</p><p>me!</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/PYBACK</p><p>9 8 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>Howtobe</p><p>Emma Hepburn, aka The Psychology Mum,</p><p>shares how to bring more bliss into your life</p><p>IM</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>E</p><p>:E</p><p>M</p><p>M</p><p>A</p><p>H</p><p>E</p><p>P</p><p>B</p><p>U</p><p>R</p><p>N</p><p>,F</p><p>R</p><p>O</p><p>M</p><p>A</p><p>TO</p><p>O</p><p>LK</p><p>IT</p><p>FO</p><p>R</p><p>YO</p><p>U</p><p>R</p><p>EM</p><p>O</p><p>T</p><p>IO</p><p>N</p><p>S</p><p>through your photos, write it down,</p><p>tell someone about it, reminisce.</p><p>Seeking confetti is about noticing</p><p>what creates joy around you.What</p><p>flowers are blooming on your walk?</p><p>What funny antics are your pets up</p><p>to today?Notice this, take photos, cast</p><p>it intomemory – all this helps create</p><p>further handfuls of joy confetti.</p><p>A n essential emotion, joy is</p><p>about feeling pleasure or</p><p>happiness. It makes you</p><p>feel good, and has a positive</p><p>impact on health andwellbeing.We</p><p>can create joy, find it in what is already</p><p>there, or expand it by giving it some</p><p>attention. Joy can be elusive – the brain</p><p>can pass quickly over things that</p><p>bring</p><p>us joy, shifting to the next thing or</p><p>becoming distracted by the negative.</p><p>If we try too hard to seek it, making joy</p><p>the end goal of whatever we do, it can</p><p>dissipate. If we force ourselves to be</p><p>joyful, it can evaporate under the</p><p>pressure. If we use joy as a form of</p><p>avoidance, ultimately it will be</p><p>engulfed by other emotions as they pop</p><p>back up. Joy wouldmuch rather you</p><p>enjoy the ride while you’re on it, rather</p><p>than trying to reach a destination of joy</p><p>at the end of the route. Joy can only</p><p>ever pop up for short periods on the</p><p>journey because all the other emotions</p><p>need some space on the ride, too. Yet,</p><p>joy doesn’t like to be put on pause, nor</p><p>does it believe you should wait for it;</p><p>it thinks it should be an important and</p><p>regular part of your journey.We tend</p><p>to push joy awaywhen times are hard,</p><p>but it can be found lurking even at the</p><p>darkest times, if you recognise it and</p><p>let it in. Joy likes to be sprinkled</p><p>through your day like confetti.</p><p>There are three types of joy confetti:</p><p>creation, appreciation and seeking.</p><p>Allowing time for each of these in</p><p>regular, even tiny, moments in your day</p><p>can impact positively on how you feel.</p><p>Creation confetti is about planning</p><p>things you enjoy. Awalk outside at</p><p>lunchtime, a tea break with colleagues.</p><p>Whatever brings you joy, plan small</p><p>pockets of it. 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contributes to normal</p><p>MUSCLE</p><p>NERVE functions</p><p>www.floradix.co.uk</p><p>Today’s lifestyles are demanding, and one of the things they</p><p>demand most is the mineral magnesium, which allows the</p><p>nervous system to function properly and the muscles to relax.</p><p>Magnesium is available in healthy foods such as wholegrains,</p><p>dried fruit, green leafy vegetables and nuts, however there are</p><p>times when your diet can lack the goodness needed and be</p><p>deficient in magnesium.</p><p>If you are feeling irritable and snappy, with knots in your</p><p>shoulders and tension stiffening your neck, bump up your</p><p>magnesium and lose those knots. Floradix Magnesium contains</p><p>highly absorbable magnesium in a delicious herbal formula which</p><p>could make the difference to your nerves - unlock the knots and</p><p>survive the stress.</p><p>Available from selected Holland & Barrett stores, Boots,</p><p>independent health food stores and selected pharmacies.</p><p>Floradix®</p><p>Magnesium Liquid</p><p>Zinio</p><p>page=C4</p><p>Height=765.3</p><p>Width=581.1</p><p>http://www.floradix.co.uk</p><p>user</p><p>Sticky Note</p><p>Unmarked set by user</p><p>over</p><p>their head and food in their tummy, then it’s all right”</p><p>TVpresenterHelen Skelton</p><p>Picture perception</p><p>Selfiesmightmakeyouappearslimmer,but theydon’tmakeyoumoreattractive.</p><p>AstudybyYorkStJohnUniversity took tenwomenofamixofbodyshapesand</p><p>BMIs,andhadthempose ingymclothes for four images.</p><p>Thesewerea traditionalportrait taken from6ftaway,aselfieatarm’s length,</p><p>anotherwithaselfiestick,andone fromthevolunteer’sownperspective, looking</p><p>downfromthechin towards thebody.</p><p>While selfiesmadeonlookersperceive thesubjectsas thinnercompared to the</p><p>otherpictures, theydidnot rate themasanymoregood looking in these shots.</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>1 0 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>Nothing to lose from snooze!</p><p>Don’t feelguiltynext timeyouhavea lie-in -hitting thesnooze</p><p>buttoncanboostyourbrain.Astudy in theJournalOfSleep</p><p>Researchhas foundthatpeoplewhospendextra time inbedoften</p><p>performbetter incognitive tests.</p><p>‘Thefindings indicate that there isnoreason tostopsnoozing in</p><p>themorning if youenjoy it, at leastnot for sleep timesofaround30</p><p>minutes,’ saysauthorTinaSundelin, ofStockholmUniversity.</p><p>The gift that</p><p>keeps on giving</p><p>If you’re struggling for an ethical and</p><p>affordable gift to buy a loved one this</p><p>Christmas, consider a gift card for their favourite</p><p>charity shop. Not only can they get more for their</p><p>money, but your purchase supports a good cause</p><p>and results in less waste going to landfill. Latest</p><p>figures show six in ten Brits have bought secondhand</p><p>in the past 12 months, with an average spend of</p><p>£661.20 per person on used goods in that period.</p><p>For maximum choice, The Charity Shop Gift</p><p>Card is accepted by multiple stores around</p><p>the country. See the full list and buy at</p><p>thecharityshopgiftcard.co.uk</p><p>ofparentsare</p><p>concernedabout the</p><p>amountofplastic toys</p><p>and ‘tat’ children</p><p>receiveatChristmas,</p><p>according toaFord</p><p>Moneyreport.</p><p>62%</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>http://thecharityshopgiftcard.co.uk</p><p>Labouring the point</p><p>Television programmes depicting births need safety</p><p>warnings, experts say. Analysis of 87 deliveries in 48</p><p>episodes of fictional and reality shows found that they largely</p><p>followed National Institute for Health and Care Excellence</p><p>guidelines. But scenes of medics clamping the umbilical cord</p><p>were often inaccurate and could misinform prospective</p><p>parents. Researchers from King’s College London found the</p><p>practice was either not portrayed or done within a minute,</p><p>rather than the recommended delay of at least five.</p><p>1Good Material by Dolly</p><p>Alderton (Penguin,</p><p>£18.99). Newly-single</p><p>stand-up</p><p>Andy has</p><p>a lot to learn,</p><p>not least</p><p>why ex-</p><p>girlfriend</p><p>Jen dumped</p><p>him. Comical</p><p>yet warming.</p><p>2Really Good, Actually</p><p>by Monica Heisey</p><p>(HarperCollins, £9.99).</p><p>Young divorcee</p><p>Maggie throws</p><p>herself into</p><p>post-married</p><p>life with</p><p>hilarity,</p><p>wisdom,</p><p>and a wry</p><p>turn of</p><p>phrase.</p><p>3The Burnout by Sophie</p><p>Kinsella (Transworld,</p><p>£22). When life gets too</p><p>much for</p><p>Saskia, she runs</p><p>to the seaside</p><p>and becomes</p><p>entangled</p><p>with another</p><p>stressed-out</p><p>escapee</p><p>from life.</p><p>3 reads…with</p><p>strong females</p><p>IIn the mood GOOD NEWS</p><p>Britsmake£25 amonth</p><p>on average fromselling</p><p>unwantedpossessions on</p><p>digitalmarketplaces or in</p><p>person, says research</p><p>byBarclaycard.</p><p>Are you ditching the</p><p>mulled wine and eggnog</p><p>this festive season?</p><p>You’re not alone – one in fivee over-40s</p><p>has gone teetotal, accordingg to a</p><p>poll on drinking habits by Eissberg</p><p>alcohol-free wine.</p><p>More than a third of generaation X also</p><p>say they are ‘sober curious’, compared</p><p>with 24 per cent of baby boommers.</p><p>They told researchers that thhey suffer</p><p>embarrassment, memory loss and</p><p>tiredness after a night of drinnking.</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>1 2 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>Studyaid</p><p>I regularly purchase your magazine and have</p><p>a particular fondness for your smaller version,</p><p>which is perfectly stowed away in my handbag.</p><p>I’ve used your excellent quizzes in my mentor</p><p>sessions to encourage discussion. In your</p><p>October issue, you asked the key question</p><p>‘What makes you flourish at work?’, covering</p><p>the important areas of collaboration, autonomy,</p><p>challenge and balance. Some of my students</p><p>struggle with group work and maintaining a</p><p>healthy work(study)/life balance, and your</p><p>tips and advice hold a special place in opening</p><p>reflectiveness and conversation. Moreover, in</p><p>your article named ‘What’s stopping you?’, the</p><p>vital areas of procrastination and perfectionism</p><p>were addressed. In an academic context,</p><p>perfectionism is on the rise in universities. In</p><p>some of my sessions, we look at how students</p><p>can gain self-esteem and confidence whilst</p><p>also setting healthier parameters with their</p><p>work, focusing on the process and the journey.</p><p>I adore the content and layout of your</p><p>magazines, and the wonderfully uplifting</p><p>images and interviews.</p><p>Thank you for adding sunshine and</p><p>sustenance to my world.</p><p>Lucy</p><p>Send your letters of gratitude and tell us what you loved</p><p>reading in the magazine to letters@psychologies.co.uk</p><p>Star</p><p>letter</p><p>Star</p><p>letter</p><p>Added extra</p><p>I very much enjoyed reading</p><p>Kim Morgan’s article ‘Time to</p><p>make a change’, and thought</p><p>that my fellow readers might</p><p>be interested in how I’ve done</p><p>just that, not once, but twice.</p><p>For decades, I taught</p><p>modern languages in the UK,</p><p>interspersed with periods of</p><p>teaching English abroad. There</p><p>were golden moments but,</p><p>as the years went by, I found</p><p>myself becoming increasingly</p><p>jaded. My Damascene moment</p><p>came one Sunday afternoon</p><p>when I realised how much I was</p><p>dreading the new school week.</p><p>What to do next? I’d always</p><p>enjoyed writing and thought</p><p>that I’d look for some work</p><p>that would pay reasonably</p><p>well and be less demanding</p><p>on my time. Signing on with</p><p>a casting agency, I became a</p><p>television and film extra, too.</p><p>The people I met and the work</p><p>itself gave me a great deal of</p><p>inspiration for my writing, and</p><p>taking along a notebook and</p><p>pen (or tablet) ensured that</p><p>I didn’t waste the long hours</p><p>spent waiting to go on set.</p><p>By the time Covid struck,</p><p>I was ready to make another</p><p>change. Although I’d enjoyed</p><p>my years as a supporting</p><p>artist, the early starts and</p><p>driving to locations in all</p><p>weathers had started to pall.</p><p>Time to give priority to writing!</p><p>While still pursuing other</p><p>projects, I went through 20</p><p>years’ worth of diaries and</p><p>had soon assembled enough</p><p>material for a book. I’m glad</p><p>to say that My ‘Extra’ Life,</p><p>available from Amazon, is</p><p>selling well and has also led</p><p>to invitations to give talks</p><p>about my experiences.</p><p>In addition, I take every</p><p>opportunity to mingle with</p><p>other writers, on courses or</p><p>at festivals. Life is good!</p><p>Maggie</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>mailto:letters@psychologies.co.uk</p><p>Tree of life</p><p>After reading Harriet Minter’s tale of hugging death</p><p>(or a yew tree!), I had to share this picture of a beautiful</p><p>sycamore I met, spoke to, and placed my hands on</p><p>this week. It certainly brought me joy and calm.</p><p>The sycamore, Google tells me, symbolises new</p><p>beginnings. A sycamore was my secret keeper in</p><p>my childhood garden, and I spotted this one just</p><p>as I have some important life decisions to make.</p><p>As your magazine reminded me, the decisions need</p><p>to be based on what I actually want. Thank you.</p><p>Mandi</p><p>Would you like to showcase your photographic talent inPsychologies?Whatmoment hasmade you feel inspired, grateful ormoved thismonth?</p><p>Capture it and tell uswhy, andwe’ll print our favourite. Share your photographwith us and explain its inspiration on Instagram@psychologiesmagazine</p><p>with the hashtag#PsychologiesPhoto, or email it to letters@psychologies.co.uk</p><p>iewwpoint LETTERS</p><p>1 3Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>PHOTO FAVOURITES</p><p>Class glass</p><p>I would like to submit this</p><p>photo from a Cotswolds’</p><p>village church. I love</p><p>nature, and this window</p><p>reminded me of the huge</p><p>impact it has made on</p><p>people throughout time.</p><p>I am grateful for the</p><p>nature around me and</p><p>felt moved to think</p><p>this was appreciated</p><p>by others in their quiet</p><p>contemplation while</p><p>at church.</p><p>Veronica</p><p>Goodgrief</p><p>As a nearly 50-year-old single woman</p><p>with two cats and no children,</p><p>surrounded by people with partners</p><p>and kids, it’s difficult to have any</p><p>conversation about my cats, let alone</p><p>when grieving over a late pet or</p><p>stressing</p><p>out when they are sick. The</p><p>subject is abruptly changed backed</p><p>to ‘the kids’. No one has said to me</p><p>directly ‘it’s just a pet’, but sometimes</p><p>I feel like an uninteresting spinster.</p><p>But the article ‘Saying goodbye</p><p>to your best friend’ made me feel</p><p>I’m not alone. Even though my cat</p><p>Chelsea passed away years ago and</p><p>I have other cats in my life, it was</p><p>hard for me to grieve in private and</p><p>act like everything was okay. It’s</p><p>good to know there is help out there</p><p>to deal with this grieving process.</p><p>I honoured Chelsea with a tattoo of</p><p>her above my ankle, as that was her</p><p>usual space, following me around.</p><p>Emma</p><p>Read an article in Psychologies</p><p>that rings true? Get in touch</p><p>and share your thoughts at</p><p>letters@psychologies.</p><p>co.uk!</p><p>We’d love to</p><p>know what you think</p><p>mailto:letters@psychologies.co.uk</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>mailto:letters@psychologies.co.uk</p><p>mailto:letters@psychologies.co.uk</p><p>https://www.instagram.com/psychologiesmagazine</p><p>1 4 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>Imposter</p><p>syndrome</p><p>is superhealthy</p><p>Television and radio presenter Claudia Winkleman talks to</p><p>Psychologies about taking wellness seriously in her 50s, the</p><p>power of a good nap, and why she’ll never wear a sports bra</p><p>WORDS: LAURENTAYLOR</p><p>Alongside her career, forWinkleman,wellness</p><p>has takenmore of a priority in her 50s than ever</p><p>before. ‘I think it has to, becausewhen I think back</p><p>– itwas 100 years ago – tomy20s, Iwas constantly</p><p>zipping around; youwere always just racing. You</p><p>were like, “I have to do this, then I’m going to do</p><p>that”. Youhad a gazillion friends.</p><p>‘Now, I can do all of that in the day if, at 8pm,</p><p>I’mpowering down– like an old laptop! That’s</p><p>how I’d like you to think of</p><p>me,’ she says, with a laugh.</p><p>‘I think as you get older, you</p><p>don’t say yes to stuff that</p><p>you don’twant to do. And</p><p>I basically don’twant to</p><p>do anything! I amapure</p><p>homebody,’ she adds.</p><p>Winkleman,whohas</p><p>three children – Jake, 20,</p><p>Matilda, 17, andArthur,</p><p>12 –with husbandKris</p><p>Thykier, has built a toolbox</p><p>of techniques for self-care, among themCBD,</p><p>which she turned to in lockdownwhen shewas</p><p>stressed and ‘very bad’ at home-schooling.</p><p>‘WithoutCBDoil, I was incapable of helpingmy</p><p>youngest learn at home. Iwouldmarch – inmy</p><p>pyjamas andmismatched socks – fromone</p><p>room to another shouting, “Darwin!”, “Focus!”,</p><p>“Lymphnodes!”. Then I foundCBDoil and felt</p><p>Now in it’s 21st series, Strictly Come</p><p>Dancing, and, with it, the show’s</p><p>co-presenter ClaudiaWinkleman,</p><p>has become asmuch a part of</p><p>Christmas as carols and crackers.With her famous</p><p>eye-sweeping fringe, orange fake tan (herwords)</p><p>and quick humour, the 51-year-old says this is the</p><p>decadewhere she’s really foundher career ‘groove’.</p><p>‘I definitely feelmore grateful inmy50s – both</p><p>me andmy family. I don’t know</p><p>whether we even used that</p><p>wordwhen I was young,’ says</p><p>Winkleman,whohas alsobeen</p><p>confirmed topresent season two</p><p>of hit BBC showThe Traitors.</p><p>‘I don’twantmy career</p><p>to end tomorrow–more</p><p>than anything, I love</p><p>the adrenaline. But</p><p>if it does, I think I’ve had</p><p>a ridiculously long run.</p><p>I can’t bear the arrogance of</p><p>assuming that it’s just going to continue – I love a</p><p>bit of imposter syndrome. I think it’s superhealthy.’</p><p>It’s an attitude the presenter hopes to pass onto</p><p>her children, too. ‘I’vemet peoplewhodon’t have</p><p>it – they’re awful. I think it’s okay to think, “How</p><p>have I got here?”, “When are they going to find</p><p>out?”, and “I’m really not that good!”. And Iwant</p><p>to instil that inmykids, too.Entitlement isnotfine.’</p><p>1 5Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>Interview ROLE MODELS</p><p>IM</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>E</p><p>S</p><p>:IA</p><p>N</p><p>W</p><p>E</p><p>S</p><p>T/</p><p>P</p><p>A</p><p>,J</p><p>E</p><p>F</p><p>F</p><p>M</p><p>O</p><p>O</p><p>R</p><p>E</p><p>/P</p><p>A</p><p>,L</p><p>O</p><p>R</p><p>E</p><p>D</p><p>A</p><p>N</p><p>A</p><p>S</p><p>A</p><p>N</p><p>G</p><p>IU</p><p>L</p><p>IA</p><p>N</p><p>O</p><p>/S</p><p>H</p><p>U</p><p>T</p><p>T</p><p>E</p><p>R</p><p>S</p><p>T</p><p>O</p><p>C</p><p>K</p><p>– ”</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>1 6 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>much calmer. I thought, “I’ll find out about Darwin</p><p>at some point, it doesn’t matter”. It transformed</p><p>the way I felt about the world – and the way I slept’</p><p>If there’s one form of self-care that Winkleman</p><p>has always adhered to, it’s the power of sleep –</p><p>and she naps at least once or twice a day. ‘On the</p><p>days I can’t nap, my husband will tell you there’s a</p><p>marked difference,’ she says. ‘I don’t know whether</p><p>you’ve met a human sloth before…</p><p>‘Sleep is very, very important to me, and CBD</p><p>oil shifted that for the better, because I’m also 51,</p><p>so I must be up the kazoo regarding hormones.’</p><p>Fans will know Winkleman’s high-energy,</p><p>dynamic demeanour – and in person she’s no</p><p>different, as we chat in a London hotel room – but</p><p>she says she seesaws between a state of active and</p><p>calm. ‘My dad says I’m either at zero or I’m at ten</p><p>– I’m not very good at seven. I’m either on or I’m off.’</p><p>The mum-of-three is a fan of lengthy baths with</p><p>candles, and hour-long chats with girlfriends in</p><p>the evenings – but a bedtime routine is essential.</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>1 7Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>Interview ROLE MODELS</p><p>‘I have very old kids, but I still have a 12-year-old,</p><p>so I like him in bed at 8pm, andwhenhe gets</p><p>into bed – be prepared – I sort of get into bed,</p><p>too!’ she says. ‘I have a soakwith a bathmelt</p><p>(from thenew range), which has coconut in it</p><p>and leaves your skin smooth and lovely. I love</p><p>a good two-hourwind-down.’</p><p>With hermentalwellness in hand,what about</p><p>caring for her body? Youmight assume TV stars</p><p>all havepersonal trainers, butWinklemanbucks the</p><p>trend and says she has never warmed to exercise.</p><p>‘I just don’t think it’s forme,’ she says. ‘Lots ofmy</p><p>friendsdo it, andonce they’ve found their activity,</p><p>they love it. But I’ve justneverhad that experience.</p><p>‘I’m allergic to sweating andmovement – and</p><p>Lycra, I think! But I amon theTube all the time,</p><p>so I domarch around. And I like going for awalk</p><p>withmy family. Ifmy family’s there, I’ll do</p><p>anything; if I canwalkwith a little hand inmy</p><p>hand then I’moff. But the idea that I’m going to put</p><p>on a sports bra and go to a room to sweat? It’s a no!’</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>psychologies.co.uk1 8</p><p>In the mood WISDOM</p><p>LIFE AS I KNOW IT</p><p>IM</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>E</p><p>:M</p><p>A</p><p>R</p><p>K</p><p>H</p><p>A</p><p>R</p><p>R</p><p>IS</p><p>O</p><p>N</p><p>.H</p><p>A</p><p>IR</p><p>A</p><p>N</p><p>D</p><p>M</p><p>A</p><p>K</p><p>E-</p><p>U</p><p>P</p><p>:C</p><p>A</p><p>R</p><p>O</p><p>LI</p><p>N</p><p>E</p><p>P</p><p>IA</p><p>S</p><p>EC</p><p>K</p><p>I.</p><p>S</p><p>T</p><p>Y</p><p>LI</p><p>S</p><p>T:</p><p>K</p><p>A</p><p>T</p><p>E</p><p>A</p><p>N</p><p>YA</p><p>B</p><p>A</p><p>R</p><p>B</p><p>O</p><p>U</p><p>R</p><p>’</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>,</p><p>,</p><p>,</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>-</p><p>t</p><p>t</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>https://harrietminter.com/</p><p>Homeopathy First Aid Courses</p><p>Homeopathy Taster Course</p><p>Homeopathy Foundation Course</p><p>Homeopathy Advanced Practitioner Course</p><p>Anatomy & Physiology Courses</p><p>Pathology & Disease Courses</p><p>01453 765 956 or 0800 0439 349</p><p>info@soh.uk</p><p>www.schoolo�omeopathy.com</p><p>www.schoolo�ealth.com</p><p>Additional School of Health courses:</p><p>Herbal Medicine Foundation Course</p><p>Yoga Foundation Course</p><p>Nutrition for Beginners</p><p>Nutritional Advisor & Therapist Course</p><p>Naturopathy Course</p><p>RECOGNISED</p><p>https://www.schoolofhomeopathy.com/</p><p>https://www.schoolofhomeopathy.com/</p><p>mailto:info@soh.uk</p><p>from the UK’s No.1* vitamin company</p><p>���������������������</p><p>������</p><p>Now’s the time to stock up on</p><p>Vitamin D, Zinc and Vitamin C, all</p><p>of which contribute to the normal</p><p>function of the immune system.</p><p>Created by the experts at Vitabiotics, the Ultra range</p><p>provides carefully formulated specific nutritional</p><p>boosts – for support when you need it most.</p><p>20</p><p>23</p><p>-1</p><p>0-</p><p>02</p><p>_A</p><p>D</p><p>U</p><p>LT</p><p>1W</p><p>W</p><p>P_</p><p>E</p><p>Stockists may vary</p><p>*Nielsen GB ScanTrack Total Coverage Value and Unit Retail Sales</p><p>52 w/e 15/7/23. 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Forget</p><p>the adverts and</p><p>socialmedia,</p><p>what ismost</p><p>important to you?</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>2 2 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>Expert</p><p>advice</p><p>DrAudreyTang</p><p>isachartered</p><p>psychologistandan</p><p>award-winning</p><p>author,witha focus</p><p>onpractical</p><p>self-improvement.</p><p>Shealsohosts the</p><p>RetrainYourBrain</p><p>ForSuccesspodcast,</p><p>andrecently</p><p>established the</p><p>CLICKArts</p><p>Foundation.</p><p>draudreyt.com</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>http://draudreyt.com</p><p>Mind MEMORIES</p><p>2 3Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>Christmas is decorating the tree as</p><p>a family, andwrapping gifts while</p><p>listening tomy favourite festive</p><p>album from 1994. It’s attending</p><p>MidnightMass after a few drinks at the pub,</p><p>and gathering around the TV towatch It’s a</p><p>Wonderful Lifewhile fillingmy face with a tub</p><p>of Quality Street.Well, it is forme, at least; we</p><p>all have our own traditions that are uniquely</p><p>special to us. But have you ever wonderedwhywe</p><p>cling to them so tightly, why they bring us such</p><p>comfort, andwhat psychological forces drive us to</p><p>engage in these activities year after year after year?</p><p>Christmas is a timewhenwe all seek comfort,</p><p>joy, and a sense of belonging. Andwhether you’ve</p><p>realised it or not, nostalgia for the past and the</p><p>repetition of long-held traditions is a crucial</p><p>part of that.We find solace in the familiar sights,</p><p>sounds, and activities that have come to define</p><p>the festive season. From the longing for familiarity</p><p>to themood-boosting benefits of ‘anticipated</p><p>nostalgia’, these customs offer farmore than</p><p>mere surface-level enjoyment. But what is it</p><p>about repeating these rituals that gives us that</p><p>warm, fuzzy feeling?</p><p>Psychology has some very interesting answers,</p><p>one of which is that humans love predictability and</p><p>stability.We love it somuch that up to 93 per cent of</p><p>our actions canbepredicted aheadof time, according</p><p>to a study byProfessorAlbert-László Barabási. Part</p><p>of the reason for this is that it makes things easier,</p><p>and Christmas is no exception. Imagine if you had</p><p>to start fromscratcheveryyear,workingoutwhat to</p><p>eat, what decorations to use, what to wear, and</p><p>who tomeet with.With somany potential choices,</p><p>it’s no surprise that we fall back on traditions to</p><p>simplify the situation andmake it easier for us –</p><p>and provide some emotional benefits, too.</p><p>‘Christmas rituals often give us a sense of</p><p>predictability, which in turn brings comfort in</p><p>a chaotic world,’ says psychologist and author of</p><p>The Leader’s Guide ToWellbeing (FT Publishing</p><p>International, £16.99), Dr Audrey Tang. The</p><p>regularity of Christmas provides an anchor in an</p><p>Bridging a connection to our past and to our people,</p><p>there’s good reason to treasure our traditions,</p><p>discovers Kellie Gillespie-Wright</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>2 4 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>uncertain world; wemay not know</p><p>what lies ahead in our distant future,</p><p>but we do know that it’s guaranteed</p><p>Christmas will roll round again – and it</p><p>will probably be prettymuch the same</p><p>as last year! This reinforces our sense</p><p>of order andmeaning in the world.</p><p>Butmore than that is the element of</p><p>nostalgia: there’s something incredibly</p><p>comforting about revisiting the things</p><p>we know and love. Year after year, we</p><p>gather with the same people to enact</p><p>the same festive rituals, eat the same</p><p>food, put up the same decorations, and</p><p>sing the same songs, and in uncertain</p><p>times when it feels like the world around</p><p>us ismoving too fast and changing too</p><p>quickly, there’s a lot to be said for the</p><p>traditions we can depend on.</p><p>There’s no doubt that part of the allure</p><p>of Christmas is its ability to trigger</p><p>nostalgicmemories by stimulating all of</p><p>our senses. Twinkling lights, colourful</p><p>decorations, rousing songs, and the smell</p><p>of pine needles are all triggers that</p><p>contribute towards themagic of</p><p>Christmas. It’s easy to see why nostalgia</p><p>is so prevalent at this time of year.</p><p>‘Nostalgia connects uswith experiences</p><p>we have loved in the past, and can trigger</p><p>e</p><p>“Part of the allure of Christmas is its</p><p>ability to trigger nostalgic memories by</p><p>stimulating all of our senses”</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>2 5</p><p>Mind MEMORIES</p><p>Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>andmore often than not, they describe</p><p>their lives as havingmoremeaning.</p><p>Nostalgia can also serve as a barometer</p><p>for personal growth, promote a sense of</p><p>self, and evenmake youmore optimistic</p><p>about the future. ‘Research in positive</p><p>psychology would suggest that, due to</p><p>the neuroplasticity of the brain (its</p><p>ability to “recalibrate” chemical</p><p>pathways of activity), nostalgia can aid</p><p>positive thinking,’ says Dr Tang. ‘And</p><p>if we choose to actively focus on happy</p><p>memories, we aremore likely to</p><p>generatemore in the future.’</p><p>It doesn’t stop there: ‘The positive</p><p>feelings generated through nostalgia</p><p>canwork as a defencemechanism to</p><p>protect us against fear or sadness,’ says</p><p>Dr Tang. ‘And connecting with the past</p><p>can also remind us that the present is</p><p>temporary, which can be a good thing</p><p>if the present isn’t pleasant!’</p><p>It’s no surprise, then, that every year,</p><p>many of us feel compelled to buy into</p><p>that connection to our idealised past.</p><p>Wewant the same pigs in blankets,</p><p>and the samemoth-eaten 30-year-old</p><p>stocking.Without these things, it just</p><p>doesn’t feel like Christmas.</p><p>‘Many beliefs that are passed through</p><p>generations have a strong link with</p><p>culture and tradition, and even though</p><p>theremay be no reason for engaging</p><p>with them, because they are part of</p><p>your personal story, you feel connected</p><p>to it,’ says Dr Tang.</p><p>Read Ritual: How Seemingly</p><p>Senseless Acts Make Life Worth</p><p>Living (Profile Books, £20)</p><p>by Dimitris Xygalatas</p><p>Listen The Christmas Past</p><p>podcast with Brian Earl</p><p>NEXT STEPS</p><p>exciting thoughts of what is to come,’</p><p>says Dr Tang. And nostalgia can result</p><p>in a bevy of positive emotional states,</p><p>including increased optimism and</p><p>inspiration, boosted self-esteem, and</p><p>feelings of purpose and youthfulness.</p><p>‘Nostalgia is not “living in the past”,’</p><p>says Dr Tang. ‘But, rather, reflecting</p><p>on it with a sense of affection. It can</p><p>generate feelings of comfort, and</p><p>that’s generally a very good thing.’</p><p>Evidence has shown that when</p><p>people engage in nostalgia they</p><p>report higher levels of feelings of</p><p>belonging, higher levels of positivity,</p><p>Many of us keep our traditions</p><p>going because letting go feels like</p><p>letting go of a part of our personality</p><p>– but not everyone has happy childhood</p><p>memories of Christmas, and not every</p><p>tradition is worth continuing. Forging</p><p>new traditions can be just as rewarding,</p><p>and there’s something very special</p><p>about creating your own unique</p><p>customs that reflect your personality,</p><p>values, and interests.</p><p>Some rituals take a while to get</p><p>established, but, thereafter, they</p><p>cling like ivy. The key is tomake them</p><p>personal. Themore personal they are,</p><p>themoremeaningful they become. And</p><p>don’t feel pressured to create elaborateor</p><p>expensive traditions right away; simple</p><p>gestures can have a big impact and be</p><p>just asmeaningful. It’s consistency that</p><p>helps traditions take root and grow.</p><p>So why not introduce a new tradition</p><p>this Christmas? It could be the start</p><p>ofmany happymemories to come.</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>2 6 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>Cho se life</p><p>Coaching in action</p><p>IM</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>E</p><p>S</p><p>:S</p><p>H</p><p>U</p><p>T</p><p>T</p><p>E</p><p>R</p><p>S</p><p>T</p><p>O</p><p>C</p><p>K</p><p>.* N</p><p>A</p><p>M</p><p>E</p><p>H</p><p>A</p><p>S</p><p>B</p><p>E</p><p>E</p><p>N</p><p>C</p><p>H</p><p>A</p><p>N</p><p>G</p><p>E</p><p>D</p><p>In their final session together,</p><p>the award-winning coach</p><p>Kim Morgan helps her client</p><p>Pat* find acceptance and</p><p>forge new ‘family’ ties</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>2 7Sub cribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMA 3PY</p><p>The final session</p><p>Does this sound likeyou?</p><p>Turnthepage forKim’s</p><p>coachingexercises</p><p>ince her adult son cut her out of his life</p><p>a year ago, my client Pat had been trying</p><p>tomanage a complexmix of feelings:</p><p>self-blame, grief, and despair. Each time</p><p>wem t, it seemed that she had taken one step</p><p>forwar and one step back.</p><p>It was stressing to witness Pat’s pain, but</p><p>I had to re ndmyself that I don’t have amagic</p><p>wand. A coach’ role is not about</p><p>fixing everythin for our clients</p><p>(some things are no fixable!); it</p><p>is about creating in ou clients a</p><p>sense ofmobility and sel efficacy.</p><p>Over the past 12months, had</p><p>helped Pat to develop some</p><p>self-care and survival strategies,</p><p>so that she could continue to</p><p>find happiness, friendship, and</p><p>purpose in her life.</p><p>We hadwritten scripts together,</p><p>so that Pat had ready responses</p><p>to the inevitable questions from</p><p>well-meaning others: ‘Do you</p><p>have children/grandchildren?’,</p><p>‘Are you seeing your family</p><p>for Christmas?’</p><p>I had listened,</p><p>questioned, and</p><p>coached Pat when she agonised</p><p>over whether to call, text, write</p><p>or send gifts to her son.</p><p>When Pat arrived for our final coaching session</p><p>together, she was still blaming herself: ‘I must</p><p>have been an awfulmother for him to do this.</p><p>I thought I didmy best.What did I dowro ’</p><p>Pat looked atme searchingly for a res nse.</p><p>I respondedwith a true story: ‘ en I run</p><p>assertiveness courses, at a ce ain point I produce</p><p>a bag of sweets. I walk aro nd offering sweets to</p><p>some people and not to thers. Then I go back</p><p>to the front of the ro and ask, ‘Is everybody</p><p>okay?’ Some brave ouls say, ‘No, I didn’t get a</p><p>sweet.’ I ask thos who didn’t get a sweet what</p><p>they thought ab ut it. Almost every single person</p><p>says, ‘I thought t was because I had upset you or</p><p>was too big/ski ny/old/young/attractive.’</p><p>Nobody has ever said they thought that it was</p><p>mewhowas bei gmean or unfair. It shocksme</p><p>ind THE LIFE LAB</p><p>ttttt</p><p>r</p><p>that when someone is unkind to us, we often turn</p><p>on ourselves and questionwhatwe did wrong.’</p><p>Pat looked tired. I wanted to give her some</p><p>feedback: ‘Dear Pat, I don’t know your son, but</p><p>I do know you! You are a kind, compassionate,</p><p>loving person. You think about other peoplemore</p><p>than you think about yourself – always. I don’t</p><p>think you did anything to cause this. And, even if</p><p>you did, you have apologised, pleaded, written to</p><p>him, and offered tomeet him – all to no avail.’</p><p>Pat nodded. ‘I know deep down that I am a good</p><p>person – in fact, I’m probably a bit of a pushover!</p><p>It is easier to blamemyself than face the fact</p><p>thatmy son doesn’t wantme</p><p>in his life… or to think that he</p><p>is not a very nice person.’</p><p>Pat took a deep breath.</p><p>‘I finally accept that I don’t have</p><p>any influence over this situation.</p><p>I am donewith crying and putting</p><p>my life on hold. I can’t give up on</p><p>life. Life is a precious gift.’</p><p>‘What are you going to do next?’</p><p>I asked.</p><p>‘You have heldme in a safe</p><p>cocoon here until I was ready to</p><p>emerge as a new version ofmyself.</p><p>Thank you. I have now joined</p><p>a support group for abandoned</p><p>parents. It was such a relief to</p><p>know that I amnot the only one</p><p>in this situation. The group has</p><p>introducedme to the concept of</p><p>building a “chosen family” – I love</p><p>hat idea. I am considering which people I would</p><p>l e inmy family of choice – people with whom</p><p>are no gene inks whatsoever.’</p><p>I anked Pat for t courage she had shown in</p><p>facin into her pain, and e trust she had put</p><p>inme. wished her every happine .</p><p>A few eeks later, I was delighted to ceive an</p><p>invitation o ‘Pat’s Chosen Family Party’. he</p><p>invitedme t be her ‘supportive, wise, a sli htly</p><p>eccentric sec d cousin’. It is one he biggest</p><p>honours I have ver received!</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMA</p><p>Work out</p><p>2 8 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>Write a letter to</p><p>your best friend</p><p>Imagine that you have</p><p>found out that your</p><p>friend has been</p><p>rejected by their</p><p>adult child, or has</p><p>been alienated or</p><p>treated unkindly</p><p>by somebody.</p><p>Write a letter to</p><p>your friend, from the</p><p>heart, to offer them words</p><p>of support and comfort.</p><p>It may be helpful to have</p><p>a photograph of your friend</p><p>in front of you as you write</p><p>the letter.</p><p>Include the following in</p><p>the letter:</p><p>■ How you feel about what</p><p>has happened to them.</p><p>■ What words of support you</p><p>would like to give them.</p><p>■ Their strengths and</p><p>positive qualities.</p><p>■ What kind of friend they have</p><p>been to you over the years.</p><p>■ The first word that comes to</p><p>mind when you think of them.</p><p>■ Any advice you would like to</p><p>give them about the difficult</p><p>situation they are in.</p><p>Read the letter back to yourself.</p><p>What do you notice? Could</p><p>you now write a similar letter</p><p>to yourself?</p><p>WORDS OF WISDOM</p><p>“Iwantedaperfect ending.Now</p><p>I’ve learned, the hardway, that some</p><p>poemsdon’t rhyme, and some stories</p><p>don’t havea clear beginning,middle, and</p><p>end.Life is about not knowing, having</p><p>to change, taking themoment, and</p><p>making the best of it,without knowing</p><p>what’s going tohappennext”</p><p>Gilda Radner</p><p>Yourbasic</p><p>humanrights</p><p>We all have basic human rightsthat protect us and help usmaintain our self-respect. Ofcourse, it is equally importantto respect the rights of others.Here are some basic humanrights to consider:</p><p>● I have the right to set limitson what behaviour I willtolerate from others.</p><p>● I have the right to walkaway from relationships thatI decide are not good for me.● I have the right to have myboundaries respected.</p><p>● I have the right to be listenedto respectfully.</p><p>● I have the right to ask forwhat I want and to expressmy opinions.</p><p>● I have the right to changemyself, my behaviours, myvalues, and my life situation.● I have the right to changemy mind.</p><p>● I have the right to makemistakes.</p><p>● I have the right not to beheld responsible for otherpeople’s feelings.</p><p>Now, reflect on how wellyou respect and upholdyour own rights:</p><p>●Which rights do you findeasy to uphold for yourself?●Which rights do you struggleto uphold for yourself. Whydo you think that is?</p><p>●What difference would itmake to your life if youstopped allowing yourrights to be violated?</p><p>●What do you need to dodifferently to consistentlyuphold your basic humanrights in your daily life?</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>https://watkinspublishing.com/</p><p>psychologies.co.uk3 0</p><p>Carve out some little pockets of peace amidst the festive fun</p><p>and frolics, with Joanne Mallon’s soothing rituals to</p><p>help you re-centre and rise above stress</p><p>IM</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>E</p><p>S</p><p>:S</p><p>H</p><p>U</p><p>T</p><p>T</p><p>E</p><p>R</p><p>S</p><p>T</p><p>O</p><p>C</p><p>K</p><p>days of</p><p>Christmascalm</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>3 1Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>Mind PEACE</p><p>ii</p><p>!</p><p>’</p><p>w</p><p>tttt piri</p><p>Listening</p><p>tobirdsonghasbeen</p><p>found to improvewellbeing</p><p>andhelpus feel less stressed.Birds</p><p>in flight canalsobe incredibly calming</p><p>towatch– thinkof thehypnoticmassofa</p><p>starlingmurmuration.Toencouragebirds</p><p>intoyourdailyspace,hangabirdfeederoutside</p><p>awindowwhereyoucansee itregularly.</p><p>MAKEITFESTIVE…Encouragerobins</p><p>into yourgardenbyprovidingaregular</p><p>food source– their favourites include</p><p>fruit, seeds, suet, crushed</p><p>peanuts, sunflowerhearts</p><p>andraisins.</p><p>Colour</p><p>psychologyhas found</p><p>thatblue is themost calming</p><p>colouron the spectrum, so incorporate</p><p>it into yourdaily life.Lighter, softerblues</p><p>tend tobe thebest for this, as they canalsohelp</p><p>us to concentratebetter.Lookaroundyou –how</p><p>muchblue canyousee?Try lookingoutat the sky</p><p>fromtime to time,wearingblue, paintingyour</p><p>nails inbluehues, orputting imagesofwater</p><p>whereyou’ll see themregularly.</p><p>MAKEITFESTIVE…Looking foranew</p><p>colour scheme for the tree?Whynotadd</p><p>a little icywhiteandblue to your</p><p>decor, tomake ita sparkling,</p><p>sensory treat.</p><p>Many</p><p>studieshave</p><p>established the calmingeffects</p><p>of beingout innature. It’s also</p><p>understood that just lookingatphotosof the</p><p>naturalworld canreduce stress. So if yourday is</p><p>spent indoors, bringnature toyourworkspace.Have</p><p>ascreensaver that shows thegreatoutdoors.Listen to</p><p>the rhythmic soundof rainorwind.Putpicturesof</p><p>naturewhereyou’ll see them.Orbringbackasouvenir,</p><p>suchasa stoneora leaf, fromyournextnaturewalk.</p><p>MAKEITFESTIVE…Theevergreenplantswe</p><p>associatewithChristmas last beautifully</p><p>indoors, so thinkabout incorporatingreal</p><p>hollyand ivy intoyourdecorations.</p><p>Simple, repetitivepuzzles</p><p>havegreat calmingpowers, since</p><p>theyput thebrain intoameditative state.</p><p>This is particularlybeneficial if youare</p><p>dealingwith long-termstress.Theaimhere is</p><p>to engage thebrain inaway that’s satisfyingbut</p><p>not toocomplex.What sort of puzzlesdoyouenjoy?</p><p>Adaily crossword, sudoku, dot-to-dot or jigsaw</p><p>will give respite fromthe stressof thedayandhelp</p><p>you faceyourchallengesmorecalmly.</p><p>MAKEITFESTIVE…This is the ideal time to</p><p>curlupwitha jigsaw-whether it’s aloneorwith</p><p>lovedones - somake sure toaddanewone</p><p>toyourChristmas list!</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>Adaptedfrom</p><p>HowToFindCalm</p><p>InFiveMinutesADay</p><p>byJoanneMallon</p><p>(Vie,£8.99)</p><p>Studies</p><p>have found that</p><p>makingart lowers levels of</p><p>cortisol, regardless ofwhether it’s</p><p>aimless scribblingor somethingmore</p><p>advanced.Doodlinghasalsobeen found tohave</p><p>mentalhealthbenefits, evenwhenconcentrating</p><p>onsomethingelse, andyoudon’t needanyart skills</p><p>atall todo it! If you’rehaving trouble staying focused</p><p>duringa longonlinemeeting, for example,</p><p>a little</p><p>absent-mindeddoodlingcouldhelpyoustayengaged.</p><p>MAKEITFESTIVE…Whynotget craftyand</p><p>let yourcreative spirit free? It couldbeas</p><p>simpleashand-decoratingChristmas</p><p>cards, oramoreambitious</p><p>craft youenjoy.</p><p>Research</p><p>has shownthat just</p><p>fiveminutesofmeditationaday</p><p>helps clear themind, improvemood,</p><p>boost brain function, reduce stress, and</p><p>supportahealthymetabolism.Another study</p><p>found thatpeoplewhomeditatedealwithnegative</p><p>feedback inamore impartialway, becauseof</p><p>the improved levels of dopamine in theirbrains.</p><p>If youpreferguidedmeditation, you’ll find lots of</p><p>podcasts tohelp, aswell as videosonYouTube.</p><p>Makeaplaylist of your favourites!</p><p>MAKEITFESTIVE…Lookspecifically for</p><p>Christmas-themedmeditationsonline,</p><p>toaddsomeextraglitter.</p><p>Counting isan incredibly simple tool you</p><p>canuseany timeyou’re finding stress tobe</p><p>overwhelming.Countinggivesawhirringmind</p><p>something to latchon toand, in theprocess, helps it</p><p>slowandrelax.Playwith it to findoutwhat suits you</p><p>best. Somepeople find itmuchmorecalming to count</p><p>backwards fromten toone than theydo fromone to</p><p>ten.Others like to focusoncounting something in</p><p>particular–perhaps thenumberof cars youcan</p><p>seeasyouwalkdownthe street, or the shades</p><p>of greengrowing inagarden.</p><p>MAKEITFESTIVE…quickrenditionof</p><p>TheTwelveDaysof Christmasanyone?</p><p>Listening toanykindof classicalmusic</p><p>hasbeen found to lowerbloodpressureand</p><p>helpus feel calmer.Manyscientific studieshave</p><p>linked listening to this typeofmusicwith reduced</p><p>stressandanxiety.Youdon’t need tohaveany</p><p>specialist knowledgeorunderstandingof the classics to</p><p>absorb thebenefits; simply tune in tohowyou feel in</p><p>response to themusic.Whynotaddasoundtrack to your</p><p>morningwithaclassical radio station?Or listen to</p><p>somethingon the commute towork. MAKEIT</p><p>FESTIVE…Carols, choirs, classics: it’s hard toget</p><p>away frommusicat this timeof year!Aswell as</p><p>blastingout theusual festivehits,whynot</p><p>createamorecalming,mindful,</p><p>classicalChristmasplaylist?</p><p>psycholog es.co.uk3 2</p><p>http://psychologes.co.uk</p><p>3 3Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>Mind PEACE</p><p>Grounding</p><p>–or ‘earthing’ as it’s</p><p>sometimesknown– isanancient,</p><p>calmingpracticewherewephysically</p><p>connect to theworld.Thisbondcouldbe</p><p>whenyouwalkongrasswithyourbare feet or</p><p>touch itwithyourhands.Research shows that</p><p>connectingwith theearthcalms thenervous system,</p><p>reduces inflammation, and improves circulation,</p><p>energyandwellbeing.Before youput your shoesand</p><p>sockson today, stepoutside foramomentandget</p><p>grounded.MAKEITFESTIVE…Takeamug</p><p>of somethinghotand festivewithyou, and</p><p>enjoy the contrasting sensations</p><p>ofhotandcold!</p><p>Howwedresshasabig impact</p><p>onour feelings– thinkabout the</p><p>differencebetweenwearingabusiness suit</p><p>and loose loungewear.The term ‘dopamine</p><p>dressing’ refers todressingwith the intentionof</p><p>boostingyourmood.What’s yourapproach togetting</p><p>dressed?Doyoupullwhatever’s cleanoutof the</p><p>wardrobe?Orwhatever’s least dirtyoff the floor?What</p><p>wouldbeacalmerway todress?According to colour</p><p>psychologists, greensand blues canbe soothing.Look</p><p>at yourwardrobeandchoose texturesandcolours</p><p>you findcalming. MAKEITFESTIVE…</p><p>Embrace the joyof knitwearandbringoutall</p><p>your favourite comfortingwoollies this</p><p>season.</p><p>There’s</p><p>a reasonwhy therapy</p><p>animalsarea thing–studies</p><p>have shownthat interactingwithapet</p><p>for justa fewminutes can lower levels of the</p><p>stresshormonecortisol.Another study found</p><p>thatpeoplewhoownpetshave lowerheart rates</p><p>andbloodpressure, andcanmanage stressful</p><p>situationsmoreeasily.Try sittingwithyourpetwhile</p><p>practisingdeepbreathing, or spendsome time</p><p>outside together. MAKEITFESTIVE…</p><p>Christmas indulgence isn’t just for the</p><p>two-leggedamongus–gift yourpetanew</p><p>toyor treat-filled stocking to really</p><p>include themin the</p><p>celebrations.</p><p>What is</p><p>it abouta flickering</p><p>candle flame that’s so calming</p><p>andrelaxing?The low lighthasbeen</p><p>found to induceameditative state, asour</p><p>brainsassociate itwith relaxation.Lighta</p><p>candle in the evening to createarelaxing</p><p>ambience, or trya formofmeditationcalled</p><p>Trataka, alsoknownas ‘candlegazing’.Thismethod</p><p>involves lookingata fixedpoint (the flame)and</p><p>using it asa focus formeditation.</p><p>MAKEITFESTIVE…Lightanadvent</p><p>calendar.With24sections, one for each</p><p>day, itwill give youanextra incentive</p><p>andreminder to repeat this</p><p>practicedaily.</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>Over 5,000 people from around the world have already</p><p>trusted Barefoot to help them build their coaching expertise</p><p>and make a change to make a di�erence; a difference</p><p>for themselves, for others or for the world at large.</p><p>Whether you want to coach friends and family, coach at</p><p>work, or in a new career as an accredited coach, when it</p><p>comes to coach training, no two journeys are the same.</p><p>Where will the Barefoot Line take you?</p><p>Take Your Career</p><p>in a New Direction</p><p>With our ICF accredited coach training</p><p>ICF Accredited and University Approved Coach Training</p><p>Delivered Online Over 28 Half-Days | 10 Months Interest-Free Finance Now Available.*</p><p>*Terms and Conditions Apply. Speak to a member of the Barefoot team for more details.</p><p>Complete</p><p>a Masters</p><p>In coaching</p><p>Become ICF</p><p>credentialled</p><p>(ACC/PCC)</p><p>Gain real-</p><p>world coaching</p><p>experience</p><p>Complete the</p><p>Barefoot Flagship</p><p>Programme</p><p>Complete a</p><p>Postgraduate</p><p>Certi�cate</p><p>Join the Psychologies</p><p>Magazine Coach</p><p>Directory</p><p>Gain ICF</p><p>accreditation</p><p>(ACTP)</p><p>Make a change to make a difference</p><p>01332 863 641</p><p>info@barefootcoaching.co.uk</p><p>barefootcoaching.co.uk</p><p>Scan here to �nd out</p><p>more and book your</p><p>Free Taster Session</p><p>FInd Out More</p><p>HOW DOES IT WORK?</p><p>Programme cost: £6,600</p><p>Secure your place with a small deposit: £900</p><p>Remaining balance of £5,700 spread over</p><p>10-months: 10 x £570</p><p>If you have been waiting for the ‘right</p><p>time’ to join our programme, then</p><p>there is no time like the present!</p><p>10 months</p><p>interest-free</p><p>finance!</p><p>Example based on somebody self funding. 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Our 2-hour sessions are</p><p>available on a regular basis with dates updated on</p><p>our website every few weeks.</p><p>M A K E A C H A N G E</p><p>T O M A K E A D I F F E R E N C E</p><p>Visit barefootcoaching.co.uk/up-and-running to �nd out more and book your place today!</p><p>A B A R E F O O T C O A C H I N G P O D C A S T</p><p>Join Adam Goodman-Smith as he chats to</p><p>inspirational people who are making a difference in</p><p>the world through coaching.</p><p>mailto:info@barefootcoaching.co.uk</p><p>http://barefootcoaching.co.uk</p><p>http://barefootcoaching.co.uk/up-and-running</p><p>3 6 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>The colder days and longer periods of</p><p>darkness associated with the winter</p><p>months is a perfect spark for the ritual</p><p>of journalling. The wintery season is an</p><p>invitation to slow down and take stock.</p><p>This is a time of the year where we can give ourselves</p><p>permission to rest and replenish our energies; to turn</p><p>inwards, with your journal or notebook by your side.</p><p>Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah or</p><p>Kwanzaa, the end of the year can be a bedlam of emotions.</p><p>Rather than finding yourself swept away by the materialism</p><p>of Christmas, here are a series of journalling prompts that</p><p>will help you craft a more conscious festive period…</p><p>To get started, grab a cup of your favourite hot drink,</p><p>your notebook, and pen. Cosy up in your chosen writing</p><p>space, whether indoors or outdoors. So much of this</p><p>festive time of the year has become a commercial hotbed</p><p>of gift buying and spending huge amounts of money</p><p>on food and drink. What if you stepped away from the</p><p>commercialism of Christmas? Is there a homemade dish</p><p>you know family and friends love that you could make</p><p>and share?</p><p>Is there a service that you’re good at, such as</p><p>cleaning, gardening, fixing things, babysitting or organising,</p><p>that you could offer up to family and friends, to redeem</p><p>within the first six months of the new year? Where could</p><p>you volunteer your time over the festive period, or donate</p><p>to a worthy cause? When we are kind to others, we receive</p><p>a hit of oxytocin, which makes us want to give even more.</p><p>But to make this work you’ll need to do some forward</p><p>planning, and your journal is the perfect place to do this.</p><p>Turn to a new page in your notebook and write out your</p><p>reflections to this prompt: ‘I would really prefer to spend</p><p>my time over the festive period doing/being…’ Allow this</p><p>prompt to travel with you into your week and think about it</p><p>as you go about your business. One of my best Christmas</p><p>memories started off with a solo run on Christmas</p><p>morning across the empty streets of South London.</p><p>I really appreciated the quiet time I spent home alone</p><p>after my run before joining my family for an early evening</p><p>Christmas dinner. This unexpected break with tradition</p><p>meant that, by the time I arrived at the family dinner, I was</p><p>much better resourced to enjoy time with family without</p><p>The light</p><p>in thedark</p><p>Follow the rhythmofnature in this fallow</p><p>period,withwritingprompts tohelp you</p><p>rest and rejuvenate, saysJackeeHolder</p><p>IM</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>E</p><p>:L</p><p>A</p><p>U</p><p>R</p><p>A</p><p>R</p><p>IC</p><p>H</p><p>A</p><p>R</p><p>D</p><p>S</p><p>O</p><p>N</p><p>Mind WRITE TO FLOURISH</p><p>getting triggered. Another cherished memory was when</p><p>a group of us headed out early on a cold and frosty Boxing</p><p>Day for a walk in London’s Richmond park. What one small</p><p>change could you make to your festive schedule?</p><p>The end of the year is a time of rituals and cultural</p><p>traditions. Which of these rituals and traditions inspire you?</p><p>I enjoy writing a bundle of thank-you and gratitude cards</p><p>at this time of the year. I create a sensual environment,</p><p>sometimes at home, sometimes in an inspiring space</p><p>externally. I view my card writing as a form of letter-writing</p><p>journalling. My favourite part to this ritual is decorating the</p><p>envelopes with fancy lettering and stickers. What are your</p><p>favourite festive rituals? How can you make some of these</p><p>rituals and traditions central to the festive season?</p><p>Many of us get to the end of the year with little memory</p><p>of what we’ve done or achieved during the year. One</p><p>way to remind yourself of the positive experiences and</p><p>milestones from the year is to curate an end-of-year</p><p>‘best-of’ list. Leaf through your journal and pinpoint these</p><p>magical, memorable moments and days from your year.</p><p>If you haven’t been keeping a regular journal, browse through</p><p>your posts on social media to help pinpoint the best</p><p>memories from your year. Here’s a selection of ‘best-of’</p><p>lists to get you going: best art exhibition, best meal out,</p><p>best gathering with friends or family, best spontaneous</p><p>action, best movie, best book, best podcast, best walk,</p><p>best vacation, best outfit, and best day of the year.</p><p>Your wintering journalling will support you in making</p><p>time to name what you want and how you wish to be. Give</p><p>yourself the gift of quality time in the lead up to the festive</p><p>season to sit with these prompts, and see what comes to</p><p>you in the silence. jackeeholder.com; @jackeeholderinspires</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>http://www.jackeeholder.com/</p><p>https://www.instagram.com/jackeeholderinspires/</p><p>3 7Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>IM</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>ES</p><p>:S</p><p>H</p><p>U</p><p>T</p><p>T</p><p>E</p><p>R</p><p>S</p><p>T</p><p>O</p><p>C</p><p>K</p><p>HAVE A MEANINGFUL</p><p>With you</p><p>inmind</p><p>DOSSIER</p><p>psychologies</p><p>Stay true to your values, embrace the perfectly imperfect,</p><p>and let go of comparison, for a festive season that will</p><p>fill up your cup with joy, writes Caroline Butterwick</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>3 8 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>rom sippingmulledwine at</p><p>festivemarkets to bringing</p><p>the family together around the</p><p>table to laugh at silly cracker</p><p>jokes, Christmas can be themost</p><p>wonderful time of the year. But it can also</p><p>bring with it a huge amount of stress,</p><p>whether that’s the pressure tomakemagical</p><p>memories while worrying about the cost,</p><p>or the intensity of hosting lots of people</p><p>and ensuring everyone has a great time.</p><p>With you</p><p>inmind</p><p>DOSSIER</p><p>psychologies</p><p>But stress aside, Christmas</p><p>remains formany a truly special</p><p>time: itmay be a rare opportunity</p><p>to be with loved ones, to take a</p><p>break fromwork and routine,</p><p>and to join in fun activities.</p><p>‘Christmas is quite a stabilising</p><p>factor formany people,’ explains</p><p>Dr Tara Quinn-Cirillo, a</p><p>chartered psychologist. ‘A lot</p><p>of people like the containment</p><p>and the safety that comes with</p><p>the festive period. You carve out</p><p>time to see family, and I think</p><p>itmakes people havemore</p><p>purposeful connection.’ If you</p><p>have a faith, Christmas can</p><p>be particularly important to</p><p>recognise, and can hold a real</p><p>significance in your life.</p><p>‘There are thememories, as</p><p>well,’ adds Dr Quinn-Cirillo. ‘It</p><p>canmake you reconnect – which</p><p>we call bridging – to positive past</p><p>events. If you’ve had previous</p><p>nice Christmases, youmay get</p><p>a sense of happiness and hope</p><p>at this time of year.’ Maybe</p><p>Christmas conjuresmemories of</p><p>crafting paper chains at primary</p><p>school – the feel of the glue on</p><p>your fingers, the fun of getting</p><p>messy and doing something</p><p>different.Orperhapsyouassociate</p><p>it as the one time of the year when</p><p>you get to see all your relatives, or</p><p>make time to catch upwith old</p><p>friends over gingerbread lattes.</p><p>Formany, however, we can</p><p>become so swept up in trying</p><p>tomake the perfect day for</p><p>ourselves and others that we</p><p>forget what reallymatters.When</p><p>we’re so used to images of what</p><p>Christmas ‘should’ be like,</p><p>it’s all too easy to forget what</p><p>Christmasmeans to us on a</p><p>personal level.What if we could</p><p>have a Christmas that’s tailored</p><p>to what we really want and need</p><p>right now? A Christmas that has</p><p>themagic, or the relaxation, or</p><p>connectionwe crave? Read on</p><p>to see how you canmake</p><p>this Christmas one that is</p><p>trulymeaningful to you…</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>3 9</p><p>Expert</p><p>advice</p><p>MichaelaThomas</p><p>isaclinicalpsychologist</p><p>andtheauthorof The</p><p>LastingConnection</p><p>(Little,Brown,</p><p>£14.99),supporting</p><p>high-strivingwomen</p><p>inlettinggoof</p><p>perfectionism.</p><p>thethomas</p><p>connection.co.uk</p><p>KarinPeeters</p><p>isacoachand</p><p>psychotherapistat</p><p>VitalisCoaching,with</p><p>herwebsite Inner</p><p>Pilgrimoffering</p><p>aspiritual</p><p>deep-dive.</p><p>vitaliscoaching.com;</p><p>innerpilgrim.com</p><p>DrTaraQuinn-Cirillo</p><p>isapsychologist</p><p>specialising in</p><p>adversity.Shehas20</p><p>years’ experience in</p><p>mentalhealth,</p><p>disability,and</p><p>behaviour.</p><p>drtara.co.uk</p><p>Subscrribe at shop.kelsey.co.ukk//XMAS23PY</p><p>IM</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>E</p><p>S</p><p>:S</p><p>H</p><p>U</p><p>T</p><p>T</p><p>E</p><p>R</p><p>S</p><p>O</p><p>C</p><p>K</p><p>,N</p><p>A</p><p>TA</p><p>LY</p><p>A</p><p>C</p><p>H</p><p>A</p><p>G</p><p>R</p><p>IN</p><p>http://connection.co.uk</p><p>http://innerpilgrim.com</p><p>http://drtara.co.uk</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>https://www.vitaliscoaching.com/</p><p>4 0 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>4 1Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>Getting to the root of what</p><p>a trulymeaningful and</p><p>joyful Christmas would</p><p>look like to youmeans</p><p>taking some time to understand your</p><p>fundamental values – and thesemight</p><p>be quite different from your goals.</p><p>It helps to realise the difference</p><p>between the two, advises Dr Quinn-</p><p>Cirillo. ‘Perhaps your goalmight be</p><p>to get everyone together,’ she says.</p><p>‘And then you think, well, wemust</p><p>have this lovely table, like I saw</p><p>on Instagram, with wonderful</p><p>decorations.’ Suddenly, you are focused</p><p>on the image you’re creating, the</p><p>decorations to buy, and the food to</p><p>Understanding</p><p>whatmatters</p><p>to youat</p><p>With you</p><p>inmind</p><p>DOSSIER</p><p>psychologies</p><p>impress your guests with, rather than</p><p>thinking about what you really value</p><p>about it. Getting in touchwith what</p><p>your values are can help reduce some</p><p>of the pressure youmay feel to keep</p><p>upwith these high expectations.</p><p>‘Sometimes, people get so caught</p><p>up in what Christmas “should” be,</p><p>and how it “should” look, that they</p><p>get overwhelmed and burnt out, and</p><p>they canmiss out on really simple</p><p>pleasures, like spending timewith</p><p>family. Thinking about your values</p><p>– for example, here, your values are</p><p>more about the connection than the</p><p>decorations – can really help you to</p><p>de-stress,’ says Dr Quinn-Cirillo.</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>4 2 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>So how canwe</p><p>get in touchwith</p><p>these values? Dr Quinn-Cirillo</p><p>recommends either doing somewriting</p><p>or going for a walk, and using this as</p><p>a time to purposefully reflect onwhat</p><p>Christmasmeans to you. See what</p><p>thoughts naturally come to youwhen</p><p>you reflect onwhat youwant this</p><p>Christmas to look like – and don’t</p><p>worry about thinking the ‘wrong’</p><p>thing. Let yourself be surprised.</p><p>Dr Quinn-Cirillo suggests separating</p><p>out the value from the goal: ‘If you</p><p>write or think something like, “Imust</p><p>have an amazing Christmas dinner</p><p>with a perfect table”, try and pinpoint</p><p>what are the practical things – such</p><p>as what the table looks like, what food</p><p>you serve – andwhat are themore</p><p>general things around connection and</p><p>meaning.Those are the things that you</p><p>want to focus on.’ You can then look to</p><p>list what those values are, thinking of</p><p>the emotions behind them, andwhat</p><p>Christmas would look like if youwere</p><p>guided by those values.</p><p>It can help, too, to talk to family</p><p>or anyone else you are celebrating</p><p>Christmas with, to help you</p><p>understandwhatmatters to them. To</p><p>get the conversation started, Dr Quinn-</p><p>Cirillo recommends asking yourself</p><p>and your loved ones some gentle,</p><p>open-ended questions. You could ask</p><p>them in person, or put them in a group</p><p>chat. Here are a few suggestions:</p><p>● What do you remember about past</p><p>Christmases?</p><p>● What’s one of the first things that</p><p>comes into yourmindwhen you think</p><p>about Christmas in our family?</p><p>● Are there any Christmases that</p><p>stand out for you?</p><p>● What is one thing you really like</p><p>about Christmas?</p><p>http://psychologies.co.uk</p><p>4 3Subscribe at shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>With you</p><p>inmind</p><p>DOSSIER</p><p>psychologies● What is one thing youwouldn’t want</p><p>tomiss out on at Christmas?</p><p>● Howhas it felt whenwe haven’t been</p><p>together around Christmas?</p><p>● Are there Christmases where you’ve</p><p>noticed you’ve been overwhelmed?</p><p>● Is there anything you’ve always</p><p>wanted to do at Christmas that you</p><p>haven’t done before?</p><p>This is a great way of starting to</p><p>home in on themoments thatmatter</p><p>to you. Do you find that a few of you say</p><p>how your favourite Christmasmoment</p><p>is a walk on Boxing Day, the family</p><p>kitted out in wellies as youwander</p><p>through frosty fields and enjoy the</p><p>fresh air together? Or is it your annual</p><p>Pictionary tournament, or the comfort</p><p>of curling on the sofa watchingThe</p><p>Muppet Christmas Carol? Chances</p><p>are, an elaborate dinner or expensive</p><p>presents are less important than those</p><p>littlemoments of joy. You can use these</p><p>reflections to help youmake plans for</p><p>this year’s celebrations, and to think</p><p>about what isn’t so important. Be</p><p>open-minded to what everyone says,</p><p>and respectful if other people offer up</p><p>different ideas to yours.</p><p>Another helpful approach for this</p><p>Christmas is to review this past year,</p><p>and use that to help youwork out what</p><p>you really need from the festive season.</p><p>‘Imagine you have a cup, and you have</p><p>liquid in that cup, and it has to nourish</p><p>you,’ says Dr Quinn-Cirillo. If you’ve had</p><p>a difficult or full-on year, youmay not</p><p>have enough to fuel you through lots</p><p>of travel, or the emotional capacity to</p><p>spend timewith a relative who you find</p><p>it hard to be with.</p><p>You can also ask yourself what things</p><p>you really valued about the past year.</p><p>Dr Quinn-Cirillo suggests looking back</p><p>through social media if you use it, and</p><p>seeing if there are any posts of yours</p><p>thatmake you smile. Perhaps there are</p><p>photos of a lovely day out with friends,</p><p>or an evening where you danced and let</p><p>your hair down in a way you rarely do</p><p>anymore.What elements from the past</p><p>year would you love to bring into your</p><p>festive celebrations? Andwhat emotions</p><p>come tomindwhen you think about how</p><p>this year has been? If it’s been stressful,</p><p>it makes sense to schedule in something</p><p>that will help you feel refreshed.</p><p>Seeing Christmas as a season, rather</p><p>than just a day, can help, too, suggests</p><p>DrQuinn-Cirillo. This can ease someof</p><p>the pressure, while alsomakingmore</p><p>time to do the things you really want</p><p>to do. Perhaps this past year you’ve</p><p>enjoyed trying new experiences, and</p><p>would love to do something different.</p><p>Have you always wanted to explore a</p><p>Christmasmarket with your friends,</p><p>but never get round to it? Be sure that</p><p>these are things you actually want to</p><p>do, however, rather than simply adding</p><p>themtoa festive to-do list of obligations.</p><p>Once you’ve thought about your</p><p>values, youmay find that there is some</p><p>conflict betweenwhat youwant from</p><p>this Christmas andwhat other people</p><p>expect from you. Youmay have</p><p>relatives who you usually see on</p><p>Christmas Day andwho follow a set</p><p>routine, whomay be hurt or confused</p><p>if youwant to do things differently.</p><p>Dr Quinn-Cirillo explains that it’s</p><p>about setting boundaries, while</p><p>being sensitive to others when you</p><p>communicate these.</p><p>‘Be really comfortable about what</p><p>youwant first, and perhaps even</p><p>rehearsewhat you’re going to say,’</p><p>says Dr Quinn-Cirillo. This can help</p><p>you clarify what youwant to say, and</p><p>how youwant to say it. ‘So, you could</p><p>perhaps try saying, “I’ve really loved</p><p>the Christmases we’ve had. But,</p><p>this year, I’d like to try something</p><p>different.” And thenmake it a bit</p><p>softer by validating and saying, “But</p><p>I’ll reallymiss your cooking!Maybewe</p><p>can come up in thenewyear instead?”’</p><p>DrQuinn-Cirillo also recommends</p><p>thinking about when you’re going</p><p>to have these conversations and</p><p>getting the timing right, so you’re</p><p>not putting someone on the spot</p><p>in a group situation.</p><p>Whatever you decide to do this</p><p>Christmas, keep hold of your values</p><p>and use these to ground you to help</p><p>you stay true to what reallymatters.</p><p>“Use these</p><p>reflections to</p><p>help you make</p><p>plans for</p><p>this year’s</p><p>celebrations”</p><p>http://shop.kelsey.co.uk/XMAS23PY</p><p>So, you’ve figured out that, this</p><p>Christmas, you’d like to bring</p><p>the family together and have a</p><p>few days that are sprinkled with</p><p>moments thatmatter to each of you.</p><p>There will be your favourite Christmas</p><p>music playing as you open presents;</p><p>warmmince pies to nibble while</p><p>watchingThe Snowman</p><p>and the Snowdog; a</p><p>board games evening</p><p>that you hope doesn’t</p><p>get too competitive;</p><p>and a Christmas dinner</p><p>that brings everyone</p><p>around the table to</p><p>enjoy a deliciousmeal.</p><p>It sounds lovely,</p><p>doesn’t it? And itmay</p><p>well be a wonderful</p><p>celebration. But,</p><p>chances are, there will</p><p>be pressure to pull off a brilliant day</p><p>– or several days – and tomake sure</p><p>everyone is having the best time. This</p><p>can be especially true if you’re hosting,</p><p>but even if you’re not, there can still be a</p><p>strong sense of responsibility formaking</p><p>sure everything is just so.</p><p>‘Perfectionism at Christmas relates</p><p>to the pressure we all have in wider</p><p>society to be perfect,’ explains clinical</p><p>psychologistMichaela Thomas. The</p><p>commercialism of Christmas is an</p><p>obvious factor, too: we’re so used to</p><p>seeing adverts for the holidays that can</p><p>make us feel lacking if our reality doesn’t</p><p>match up. ‘It’s also linked to emotion,’ says</p><p>Thomas. ‘From a psychological point of</p><p>view, people are pressurised to purchase</p><p>things they don’t need at Christmas,</p><p>because they want their kids to feel</p><p>happy, or theywant to feel happy.’ The</p><p>fact that crackers and boxes of chocolates</p><p>line the supermarket</p><p>shelves from late</p><p>summer canmeanwe</p><p>feel this pressure for</p><p>much longer now, too.</p><p>‘The pressure is also</p><p>linked to a fear of</p><p>failure,’ says Thomas.</p><p>‘It’s the fear of not</p><p>being good enough, or</p><p>having the same as</p><p>other people have.’</p><p>Thomas explains that</p><p>perfectionism can be</p><p>linked to a fear of losing control, or a need</p><p>to control everything. ‘Thatmight feel</p><p>really anxiety-provoking for someone</p><p>who has a need to control,’ she says. ‘It’s</p><p>impossible to reach a perfect standard</p><p>– something will inevitably go wrong. This</p><p>is why perfectionism can lead to a sense of</p><p>stress, anxiety, or even lowmood. So you</p><p>might feel stressed and anxious before</p><p>Christmas Day, because it has to be</p><p>just right, and itmay lead to lowmood</p><p>afterwards, when you realise it wasn’t</p><p>up to scratch.Maybe it wasn’t as good</p><p>as youwanted it to be, or someonewas</p><p>“It’s impossible</p><p>toreachaperfect</p><p>standard–</p><p>something</p><p>will inevitably</p><p>gowrong!”</p><p>4 4 psychologies.co.uk</p><p>Perfectionism</p><p>With you</p><p>inmind</p><p>DOSSIER</p><p>psychologies</p><p>and comparison culture</p>
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